Comments on Lilly's Life: Could you forgive and forget?

hi mate thanks for taking the time to discuss this...

2009-11-18T17:22:50.288+11:00

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Everyone handles this type of situation differentl...

2009-03-27T13:42:00.000+11:00

Everyone handles this type of situation differently. I like your idea of delving deeply into cheesecake while shopping for handbags. But, as I always say - how do you forgive when you can't forget?

@ Miss XU - thanks for the link, it was a really i...

2009-03-11T22:02:00.000+11:00

@ Miss XU - thanks for the link, it was a really interesting post!

I always wonder why forgiving and forgetting are a...

2009-03-11T20:33:00.000+11:00

I always wonder why forgiving and forgetting are always linked together as I've found that one can exist without the other and frequently, on very different schedules.

Our hearts + minds don't always sync. This was my case. Although I'm done, I can't say that I am over it.

I talk about it a bit more here for those who might be interested.

http://www.luckymissxu.com/ramblings/?p=68

I've never cheated on my husband but I can see the...

2008-11-20T02:25:00.000+11:00

I've never cheated on my husband but I can see the draw. In fact, it's been on my mind lately to be honest. My husband does NOT provide everything I want in a relationship and I doubt any person in the world would. So I have fantasized about it, made up little stories in my head about "What if..." I even have a number of guy friends (some who even have little crushes on me) I hang out with and they, in different ways, bring that missing piece to my life. Some of these men are previous loves/dates. Some are new friends. Have I ever considered an affair? Absolutely. But I'll never do it. I've actually mentioned to my husband during times of strife that I want to have an affair... and it always seems to be when I need more attention. His response is to laugh and then to step up the lovin' a little. I think he knows I'm sorta not kidding but that I'd never actually do it. I've gone so far as to tell him I wouldn't ever cheat on him. And I won't because I know it would crush him and I know it would crush me. In my relationship, as it stands, having sex with another person would wreck everything. And for what?

That said, in my opinion, having an affair is a decision. It doesn't just "happen." Of course, I tend to think things out long before I act. I'm going to have lunch with one of my favorite guy friends today (married) and get a guy's perspective since this is an issue near and dear to me.

Thanks for the post. Of course, I'm going to post this comment anonymously ;).

I cheated...on my cat. And bought another one. My ...

2008-11-19T17:58:00.000+11:00

I cheated...
on my cat. And bought another one. My first cat Merle, I bought home from an animal shelter when I was 21. I have had him now for 9 years. I bought home another cat about 3 months ago, Milan. Merle has not looked at me in the same way since I introduced Milan into the family.
I love your blog

Thanks everyone it's a wonderful cross - section o...

2008-11-17T22:15:00.000+11:00

Thanks everyone it's a wonderful cross - section of views and comments and observations. All truly fantastic. I like what Soul Merlin says about it being a moment to learn. Mmm I think I would opt for the Irish coffees too at this point in life.

People are assholes...but why do we expect them to...

2008-11-17T22:09:00.000+11:00

People are assholes...but why do we expect them to be anything else?

I've done it and I've had it done to me.Sometimes ...

2008-11-17T22:03:00.000+11:00

I've done it and I've had it done to me.

Sometimes it's sexual attraction, over-riding good sense. At other times it is an escape from 'reality'

Sometimes it is a moment to learn.

henry

In the circumstances, I would opt for a bottle of wine, followed by a couple of Irish Coffee's

The fact that she had to "find out" rather than hi...

2008-11-17T12:55:00.000+11:00

The fact that she had to "find out" rather than him confessing to her in total regret is a huge factor here. If she hadn't discovered the fling....? Big IF and one I could probably not get over.

But that's all theory. It all depends on the relationship, how obvious were the problems leading up to this? Judging by her quick forgiveness, I suspect they were quite obvious and she may even feel partially responsible for him straying.

As for Kinsey, that makes sense to me. I think that monogamy is a totally artificial construct that goes against our human nature, especially that of men who are designed to spread their seed (sorry for the expression but it fits).

But that's what makes us humans and not animals - we are able to make decisions like monogamy that go beyond our base instincts. But it's always important to remember we are animals deep down and we are totally fallible humans.

Philosophize all you want though...it sucks for your friend and I hope she gets whatever works best for her future happiness.

As far as Kinsey goes, I believe his statistics ar...

2008-11-17T04:13:00.000+11:00

As far as Kinsey goes, I believe his statistics are considered suspect because the subjects were self-selected.

Dunno what I'd do. Myself, I have no idea of how t...

2008-11-17T04:10:00.000+11:00

Dunno what I'd do. Myself, I have no idea of how to begin to go about having an affair, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I have this question for your friend: If you couldn't trust him to not have an affair, how can you trust him when he says it was one-time only thing? That's about the oldest dodge in the book, anyway.

This being said, I know people who have put affairs behind them and who have stronger marriages for it. Whether your friend and her husband can be among them, who knows?

Im so sorry for your friend and yes, this is a mos...

2008-11-17T02:14:00.000+11:00

Im so sorry for your friend and yes, this is a most difficult situation. I believe being a good listener is the best solution for you as she ultimately has to make the tough decision herself.

Having experienced a relationship where the man was a cheater (and later went on to cheat again and again) my conclusion is:

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!!!
I got rid of him right quick and it was one of the best decisions I made in my life.

Very thought provocing. I feel terribly for your ...

2008-11-16T12:53:00.000+11:00

Very thought provocing. I feel terribly for your friend & her marriage. Who am I to judge though. Whatever she thinks is best for her, is what she is going to do. I don't think I could trust my spouse after that.

Congrats on being a SITS feature this week.

I think that anyone that deceives another in what ...

2008-11-16T12:06:00.000+11:00

I think that anyone that deceives another in what is the most intimate relationship we can have deserves to be punished. I also believe if they do that in a personal relationship they must be the same in other parts of their life. The have to live with themselves and it cannot be that satisfying. Your friend will find out more I think. Once you take a bite of the chocolate and no-one is watching it's hard to stop.

Such a touchy topic! I think I'd need to know all ...

2008-11-16T03:47:00.000+11:00

Such a touchy topic! I think I'd need to know all of the circumstances of a situation. A one-night stand is only 1 night with THAT person. Is it a serial behavior? But a long-term affair with one person shows that something is definitely missing in the marriage.
I wonder if your friend really has forgiven, or she's going to explode one day.

I think it's all personal. Your friend has the cho...

2008-11-16T01:15:00.000+11:00

I think it's all personal. Your friend has the choice and she's picking what seems like a high road.

But, I think your friend's attitude that it will never happen again is a little naive.

Best of luck to her.

I probably would have a hard time forgiving, but I just don't know until it happens to me. (May it not!)

The thought that everyone has an affair, anyway, is a sad sad expectation. I think fidelity is very possible, it just takes a lot of commitment on both partners.

Hi! Saw your blog thru WTBAY. Interesting post.I d...

2008-11-15T22:55:00.000+11:00

Hi! Saw your blog thru WTBAY. Interesting post.

I don't think I could forgive my partner if a similar thing happened. I have thought about this in the past as I know of people who have been cheated on or who have been the cheater and I can never fathom how people are willing to stay with the partner. I mean, trust is the basis of every relationship, and if that is broken (whether it be a one night stand or a full blown affair), I don't see the point in continuing.

It's just that I don't think I could be with a person knowing what they have done. I've noticed that I can forgive but I find it hard to forget (based on other experiences). Also, I guess for my partner to have an affair would mean that something is definitely missing and I wouldn't insist on continuing the relationship either because you can't make someone love you or be with you.

Boy, sometimes it's so hard to just listen and not...

2008-11-15T17:17:00.000+11:00

Boy, sometimes it's so hard to just listen and not shell out advice. I don't know about forgiveness. Sometimes, I think it has to do with self-respect, as well as personal goals. However far you bury something like that, though, it finds it's way back up.

cheesecake makes everything better. but i don't t...

2008-11-15T16:32:00.000+11:00

cheesecake makes everything better.

but i don't think i could forgive that...and i definitely couldn't forget it. ever.

it would tear me up inside.

Wow, this is the most comments I have ever got on ...

2008-11-15T15:08:00.000+11:00

Wow, this is the most comments I have ever got on a post. I appreciate you all sharing your views and experiences. It shows that we are all different and the bottom line is that each person needs to make up their own mind depending on their situation.

I think looking at even these comments, that Kinsey's stats are pretty accurate really.

Anyway I wish everyone a truly authentic life. Thanks again for helping my friend. I learnt a lot too.

The even more wonderful reminder to me is that no matter where we are in the world we face similar life issues. It's always something to keep in mind I think.

I think it's ok for her to forgive him. I do think...

2008-11-15T14:52:00.000+11:00

I think it's ok for her to forgive him. I do think they need to get down to the bottom of why he strayed. That won't fix itself.

Thanks for submitting your post!

Forgiveness is a tough thing...and I truly believe...

2008-11-15T12:38:00.000+11:00

Forgiveness is a tough thing...and I truly believe it comes down to the person/people in the situation, the details and how they feel it is best to handle it. Forgiving is good..it keeps the hate from harbouring...but foriveness can be bad if you forgive for the same repetitive thing...you begin to despise the person then. =/

I think someone who is a cheat in one aspect of th...

2008-11-15T11:54:00.000+11:00

I think someone who is a cheat in one aspect of their life is exactly the same in other aspects of their life.

Lilly, I'm very sorry for your friend. Being a man...

2008-11-15T11:48:00.000+11:00

Lilly, I'm very sorry for your friend. Being a man myself doesn't mean I agree about such attitide of 'one night stand'; rather I find it an extremlt ridiculuos excuse.

I think words are easier than doings so I can't find anything to say except that she knows herself and her husband and in the light of this she has to think about the right decision that came with the less negative effects, whatever they are!

Hard, right? but it's her life and I'm pretty sure that no one can decide for anyother one, rather we can help in making things better!

p.s. sorry as this comment is quite long, I guess!