Tuesday 12 August 2014

Puppy School Dropout

                                  

“You have to move faster than that”, Susan screamed as she panted breathlessly behind us, barking one order after another.
“Now wear something more appropriate next time as you will be doing a lot of crawling around the floor.”
“Your puppy is going to be one confused little girl if she is made to wear a blue collar. Get her a pink one.”
“You have to bring four different types of treats with you. They are just like us you know, they like a choice. ”

Really Susan? A choice?

I stopped to catch my breath and Susan caught up with me and grabbed my arm tightly.  Her gaze held mine and her flushed cheeks seemed to wobble with delight as she ran through her list of acceptable puppy treats.
Unfortunately I stopped listening at the point she mentioned “Kangaroo meat”. 
My mouth remained closed but that voice inside my head was speaking very loudly indeed, ’ I don’t really care how delicious a gaming meat you think it is Susan, I am not feeding a puppy one of our Nations most iconic animals. Eating Skippy? Absolutely not Susan.’

Puppy school is harder work than I thought. Keeping my mouth shut is even harder.
Although I can hardly disagree with Susan when she says, "everyone deserves a good start in life and to learn some manners".

It's only four sessions after all. I can do it….I just need to be on my best behaviour for a few weeks. Perhaps it might help if I have a gin and tonic or two right before classes start (my kind of treat Susan). 

Anyway, I think I am finally understand the meaning of the phrase...it's a dog's life.
Just last week the Vet recommended that Stella should be 'groomed' so that she would get used to it before she gets older. I just didn’t realise that 'grooming' meant a shampoo, cut, blow wave, and manicure.  Stella came prancing out of the RSPCA Pooch Parlour looking like a million dollars. Her blonde hair was silky, shining and smooth. I caught sight of my own dishevelled birds nest reflected in the glass window and, without thinking, asked if I could book myself in for the full works too…if only.

Uh oh Stella.....here comes Susan again….and she is heading our way.

“Oh Stella sweetie pie, tell Grandma she needs to do better than this, she is not running fast enough with you. C’mon Granny, faster, faster.” 

I growled and tried to quicken my pace but that voice in my head was now barking loudly at Susan.

'Just between you and me Susan, Stella is a DOG she cannot tell me anything. And Stella might be the one dragging me around the room but what's with the Granny business? Really Susan? Really?
Sure, we might both be big blondes and yes, I’ve been called a bitch many times but no-one Susan, and I mean no-one, has mistaken me as a close relative of a four legged animal. Ever.

Besides, do you know how hard it is to run around the room when your freaking dog is running in the other direction after Elvis, the little Chihuahua, who is a quarter of her size.  She will not leave him alone.  And look at tiny Jay Z - that dirty dawg. He is jumping on her back every chance he gets. You call this socialisation Susan? I call this violation.

I got the evidence Jay Z - just sayin'
Then, if all that wasn't enough, two mean looking little boxers chased Stella under the lounge and she refused to come out. No amount of pleading, bribing or crying on my part would get her out. I had to crawl under the lounge to drag her out. And Susan perhaps you do have a good point about wearing suitable clothing. It was all rather awkward in that tight skirt.




Suddenly there was a high pitched screech.  “It's time for pee pees, outside puppies". Susan bent down to Stella and squealed excitedly in a high pitched baby voice, “Ok sweetie petutti, time to go outside for pee pees.”  

"Excuse me Susan", I said in a firm voice. "Stella doesn’t know what you mean by 'pee pees'. The only command she knows is ‘go to toilet’.

And then without any hesitation whatsoever, Stella promptly pooped at Susan’s feet. Ooops……..big whoops Stella.

Not our finest moment but, on the upside, at least she obeyed one command during the whole night, well sort ofkind of, nearly.
Something tells me it's going to be a long four weeks……I wonder which one of us drops out first…..Susan, Stella or me. I am betting it’s me..because when I look at the faces of Stella and Susan they seem to be really, really enjoying themselves.




45 comments:

  1. TOO FUNNY! Looking forward to an update.

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    1. Yeah Kathy the update will be when one of us graduates puppy school and at this rate I don't like my chances lol.

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    1. It wasn't at the time Christine. I was flustered and embarrassed he he. Ah well least I learnt to carry little plastic bags with me. It is like having a small child lol.

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  3. OH MY GOSH - LOVE THAT ENDING! I can just picture it happening! Go Stella.

    I've heard people say, "You aren't training the dog. You are training the human how to be a better dog owner." Uh huh. I think I'll stick with cats :)

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    1. Yes seriously, cats rule. I think I will not be graduating puppy school.......the only good news for Stella is she gets to go home to my daughter soon....yes I am grinning big lol

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  4. Oh my goodness I can so imagine this. You poor thing but I am laughing so hard. That is hilarious. I cant wait to see the well trained, good mannered you. So what treats are your favourites? lol, he he

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    1. Liquid treats for sure and chocolate. I did not realise that chocolate is deadly for dogs. At the Vets a poor young couple bought their dog in. the dog had scoffed nearly a block of chocolate and was in a very bad way. I have learnt so much in a few weeks about dogs that I had never given any thought to. And it is funny after the event but gee puppy school has pushed me to the edge lol. xx

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  5. Stella has certainly provided some new experiences in your life. Chances are you will miss her sorely, in some ways, when she goes home. I imagine life will be much less complicated though.

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    1. She has now gone home and I cannot believe the free time I have lol. I will visit her but it is nice to have my time back again. She was a full time job the sweet little girl.

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  6. Oh my, oh my that was a funny recount. Puppies are hard work. It is true what Aleta said the puppy classes end up being more for the handler than the dog. Are you up to the challenge, lol?

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    1. True, I felt like I was not going to make the standard required lol. Not sure I am up to the challenge at all, he he.

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  7. This is too hilarious! Hmmm... Kind of reminds me of toilet training my granddaughter, but don't tell her I said this.

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    1. Mmm I had the same thought. Very similar lol

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  8. Lilly, this is absolutely hysterical. Yep, it's a dog's life and a fine one at that! Happy weekend. A great friend of mine, Stafford Ray who hails from Bateman's Bay has written his first novel ( in his late 70s ) ~ "Cull" ... check it out!

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    1. Oh wow, way to go Stafford. I used to live in Canberra fairly close to Bateman's Bay. What a great spot it is. I shall get the book Helen for sure. Congratulations to Stafford. Now, when is your poetry book coming out?

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  9. Hi Lilly, Good to hear you're keeping yourself busy :-) Hope life is treating you well and you're loving your new home.

    Stella is a total hoot! She sounds like a lot of fun. Susan... Well, Susan sounds like she takes her job very seriously. I hope the three of you survive the four week class together. I can't wait to hear your update!

    xo jj

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    1. Thanks Joanna, things are going well and the new house is keeping me busy. Stella is gorgeous and puppies are hard work and I am thankfull she is not my responsibility and I get to give her back lol.

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  10. Good to read you've discovered a distraction :)

    I'm trying to give away a rabbit... still looking for that 'ideal' place to downsize into. My 'ideal' has come down somewhat, I'll take any shack within a cooee os Sydney!

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    1. Distraction? More like a nightmare lol. Good luck on the downsizing. I am an hour out of Melbourne now. I open my front door and see coss.

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  11. Oh Lilly,

    You did give me some laughs tonight, really you did ! It brought back memories of my nights when I took my dogs (yes that's plural ) I went to a dog training class for years with Jassy (shepherd) and Trixie ( a west hightland terrier). Mind you I had the good fortune to know the trainer hehehe my sister who died a few years ago.... I took them for training for their Beginners badge and certificate, Intermediate certificate and Advanced certificate ... Before that I went with Freeway (who was the image of the dog in the american show which was on the tv at the time) and before that was Mindy a lurcher.... You will see from this that I was a real doggie person. My Sister Dorien used to to to exhibitions and was a dog trainer who was spot on with training and she and her dog Christie won several certificates for obedience..... I was never confident enough for that .... So there Miss Showoff ! hehehe.... Nowadays I don't have a dog in my life... only a husband who by the way is in hospital ... He had a stroke 5 days ago and is at present astounding the staff by speaking (well making himself understood with sounds ... but it sounds like speaking hehe...) He is a determined old bampot who dislikes intensely the fact that he is being made to behave himself and do as he's told.... In other words Lilly a typical ex taxi driver who used to tell jokes and kid the life out of his customers..... (You know what a typical Scottish taxi driver is like don't you ??? Flaming Nora Lilly I've gone totally off the subject arrrgghh ! I think madness, tiredness and just sheer daftness has caught up with me... I intended to answer some of the points you brought up in the comment you left on 'Shambles' now I can't even flippen well remember the points you made (just call me nutter) ......... The only thing I can think of now is the query you asked re the election where we will actually vote for gaining independence from these beggars in London Parliament... Well missus it is being held next month 18th !!! Please God we will ACTUALLY might get the right to be able to run our OWN lives (for a change) ... If not we'll ruddy well fight for the right again !!¬ NEVER SAY DIE MY FRIEND !

    Hope you got a laugh from this comment God I'm dry as a bone now will need another cup of tea! This running to and from the hospital to see my beloved is catching up with me I think ...

    Cheers and Love Kate xx.

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    1. Oh thanks Kate, loved your newsy comment. And all the best with this election. I look forward to the outcome. All the best to your husband. You both are in my thoughts.

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  12. Oops I forgot to say Lilly, when you get a chance give that rapist dog a swift kick up the bahookey when you get the chance ! Love Kate xxx.

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  13. Now that was funny.

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  14. Hilarious! And this is why I got a cat ;-) ...

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    1. Mmmm good thinking. Stella is my daughter's puppy yet I had her for five weeks and took her to puppy school. I kept telling her that cats were easier but she would not be in it.

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  15. Funny stuff. Kangaroo meat? Is that from roadkill? I'll assume no one raises Kangaroo for meat.
    The class sounds a little like military boot camp. Drill instructor Susan should lighten up a bit. I enjoy dogs but do not want to own one any more. It's been years since we had to put our family dog down. I've never felt the need to replace her. It's better to enjoy friends' or relatives' dogs that you can say goodby to after their/your visit.
    Just about the time you posted this I wrote a post about dogs.
    http://afcsoac.blogspot.com/2014/08/dogs-its-complicated.html

    We have been on a short trip and I'm working my way back into blogland.

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    1. Kangaroo export is a big industry Bill. Not road kill. You can even buy it in the supermarkets here now. Never tried it and never want to either. The puppy class was exactly that. Stella passed and I failed. I got to say goodbye to Stella though now.She finished puppy school and she is back with my daughter. Yipee, Hope you enjoyed your trip and glad you are back in blogland again. .

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  16. Oh man, I'd end up saying something ugly to obnoxious Susan!

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    1. Oh you can bet I did....under my breath. Susan was definitely in her element barking orders.so much so I ended up feeling sorry for her.

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  17. Oh, that is hilarious! Was this your real experience with your dog and her training?

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    1. Yes Tasha it was. Horrific and embarassing and Susan was a Sergeant Major in a former life I am sure.So great to see you ''on the internets'' again.

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  18. I laughed out loud several times reading this. What a great talent you have for writing and for comedy. Dog obedience classes seems to bring out the worst in many people. The instructors are sometimes (but not always) great with the dogs but rarely as good with the people. One teacher, many, many years ago in Montreal, told me to take my dog to a parking lot somewhere where no one could see us and then beat the ---- out of her. Fortunately, I had an idea that was poor advice. That dog managed to live quite a happy life with me for 18 years, in spite of my mostly ignoring the teachings of trainers. She did graduate (without the beating), but my friend's dog was offered a reduced rate for repeaters :) The best person ever.. in that field.. is Jean Donaldson. Her book, "The Culture Clash", is the one that made the most sense to me, but anything by Ian Dunbar or Karen Pryor would be good as well. All the best to you and your beautiful pup!

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    1. Thank you Carol for stopping by and for your kind words. Also thanks for all your great tips they are much appreciated.

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  19. Thanks for the laugh. I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog today.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and glad you had a laugh. Let's say after the event I found it funny just not so much at the time lol

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  20. Thanks for the laughs. You are a great writer who keeps a reader interested from beginning to end. Thanks again.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words and visiting my blog. Please comeback again sometime.

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  21. Ha ha loved this post. It reminds me of when we bought an adorable little Labrador puppy for our daughter, who was then 14, and within a few weeks she lost interest and she became my husband and my dog. We have never regretted it as she is an old lady now, 10 years in fact, and is ageing graciously with both of us!

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    1. Oh that is sweet Kathy. Time will make all the difference.

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  22. This is funny...puppies are so sweet and then you realise they are lots of hard work. Hang in there because when they are older all that training will be well worthwhile.

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  23. I think I'd be looking for a new puppy school.

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    1. That is probably why they charge upfront fees I think Jen.

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Thanks for your comments.