Puppy School Dropout

                                  

“You have to move faster than that”, Susan screamed as she panted breathlessly behind us, barking one order after another.

“Now wear something more appropriate next time as you will be doing a lot of crawling around the floor.”

“Your puppy is going to be one confused little girl if she is made to wear a blue collar. Get her a pink one.”

“You have to bring four different types of treats with you. They are just like us you know, they like a choice. ”

Really Susan? A choice?

I stopped to catch my breath and Susan caught up with me and grabbed my arm tightly.  Her gaze held mine and her flushed cheeks seemed to wobble with delight as she ran through her list of acceptable puppy treats.

Unfortunately I stopped listening at the point she mentioned “Kangaroo meat”. 

My mouth remained closed but that voice inside my head was speaking very loudly indeed, ’ I don’t really care how delicious a gaming meat you think it is Susan, I am not feeding a puppy one of our Nations most iconic animals. Eating Skippy? Absolutely not Susan.’

Puppy school is harder work than I thought. Keeping my mouth shut is even harder.

Although I can hardly disagree with Susan when she says, "everyone deserves a good start in life and to learn some manners".

It's only four sessions after all. I can do it….I just need to be on my best behaviour for a few weeks. Perhaps it might help if I have a gin and tonic or two right before classes start (my kind of treat Susan). 

Anyway, I think I am finally understand the meaning of the phrase...it's a dog's life.

Just last week the Vet recommended that Stella should be 'groomed' so that she would get used to it before she gets older. I just didn’t realise that 'grooming' meant a shampoo, cut, blow wave, and manicure.  Stella came prancing out of the RSPCA Pooch Parlour looking like a million dollars. Her blonde hair was silky, shining and smooth. I caught sight of my own dishevelled birds nest reflected in the glass window and, without thinking, asked if I could book myself in for the full works too…if only.

Uh oh Stella.....here comes Susan again….and she is heading our way.

“Oh Stella sweetie pie, tell Grandma she needs to do better than this, she is not running fast enough with you. C’mon Granny, faster, faster.” 

I growled and tried to quicken my pace but that voice in my head was now barking loudly at Susan.

'Just between you and me Susan, Stella is a DOG she cannot tell me anything. And Stella might be the one dragging me around the room but what's with the Granny business? Really Susan? Really?

Sure, we might both be big blondes and yes, I’ve been called a bitch many times but no-one Susan, and I mean no-one, has mistaken me as a close relative of a four legged animal. Ever.

Besides, do you know how hard it is to run around the room when your freaking dog is running in the other direction after Elvis, the little Chihuahua, who is a quarter of her size.  She will not leave him alone.  And look at tiny Jay Z - that dirty dawg. He is jumping on her back every chance he gets. You call this socialisation Susan? I call this violation.

I got the evidence Jay Z - just sayin'

Then, if all that wasn't enough, two mean looking little boxers chased Stella under the lounge and she refused to come out. No amount of pleading, bribing or crying on my part would get her out. I had to crawl under the lounge to drag her out. And Susan perhaps you do have a good point about wearing suitable clothing. It was all rather awkward in that tight skirt.

Suddenly there was a high pitched screech.  “It's time for pee pees, outside puppies". Susan bent down to Stella and squealed excitedly in a high pitched baby voice, “Ok sweetie petutti, time to go outside for pee pees.”  

"Excuse me Susan", I said in a firm voice. "Stella doesn’t know what you mean by 'pee pees'. The only command she knows is ‘go to toilet’.

And then without any hesitation whatsoever, Stella promptly pooped at Susan’s feet. Ooops……..big whoops Stella.

Not our finest moment but, on the upside, at least she obeyed one command during the whole night, well sort of, kind of, nearly.

Something tells me it's going to be a long four weeks……I wonder which one of us drops out first…..Susan, Stella or me. I am betting it’s me..because when I look at the faces of Stella and Susan they seem to be really, really enjoying themselves.