Google Fails

Have you checked your Google Analytics lately to find the search terms people use in order to land on your blog?

I promise it will leave you shaking your head, laughing hysterically and hoping like hell that a good percentage of the people searching on Google are doing so from behind prison bars.

Every now and then I look at the questions people ask Google and respond to the G rated ones on my blog. I look upon it as some kind of civic service because these people will never get answers to their questions otherwise. I have previously answered past questions, here and here .

So here are the latest questions,

How do I stop letting myself go?

Go to your nearest hardware store and buy a couple of metres of polyethylene rope. Then find a secure pole somewhere in your yard and tie yourself to it. It works best if you use a double or even a triple loop knot to secure yourself. Believe me, you won’t be able to let yourself GO anywhere.

How do I age gracefully and not be cynical and judgemental?

You really up against it. Its impossible really.  Besides, cynicism is just another name for experience. The fact is, there is no graceful way to go down the banister of life because on the way down our asses collect a lot of splinters. Who wouldn’t be cynical and judgemental after that painful ride. Just be careful on the slide down though as you could fall in a heap at the bottom of the stairs if you aren't looking where you are going.

How do I cut out my mother in law?

IT'S S.I.M.P.L.E. Aren't they teaching anything practical at schools anymore?

1. Get a pair of scissors.
2. Find all your family pictures.
3. Cut your mother in law out of every one.
4. Put her pictures in the freezer and keep her on ice for as long as you need.

There, she is out of your life.

 

 

Why do only people with bad breath want to tell me their secrets?

They essentially dislike you. Or they are testing your friendship. Friends don't lie. Go tell them their breath stinks and see how far you get

Why is my English mother in law so mean to me?

It could be a myriad of reasons - You are a Nigerian scammer, You are French. You are Scottish, You are Irish, You are Welsh and .......You are more than likely sitting in prison googling all day trying to get my attention.

What can you get your parents arrested for?

Bringing ungrateful little sods like you into the world. Now get back to your homework and stop wasting my time

How to make Lilly in plastic icing?

I am honoured you would want to replicate me to sit on top of your cake or other sugary delight. Here goes then. Get yourself some icing from the supermarket. Roll two balls. One small and one large. Place them on top of one another. Shape some glorious locks. Paint them yellow.  There you have it. Lilly in icing. The likeness is uncanny...and you wonder how I could be single.... 

Oh, um……someone just pointed out to me that you may have been referring to the flower variety of Lilly…and not me…...that is really rather awkward then. Moving right along  …..

How to put your leg behind your head in minutes?

I think you need to find a different website. I believe Kim Kardashian knows how to do that party trick. Or maybe this 1940s video would help - wait till the end though that's when it starts getting head over heels interesting.





 
What would you look like if your knees were bent the other way?

A right dickhead. Seriously.

How to get Lilly's nude photos on her blog

Bwah…blushing.....it was only a matter of time really. Lilly in all her glory. While I was a little taken aback by your request, I have to be mature about this and try and become a blogger for all readers, not just for the same old conservative few. So in order to keep my readers from San Quentin happy, I will now unveil the first picture of Naked Lilly ever on this blog.

Naked Lady Lilly

Stunning.

Oh, that same nosey someone just pointed out to me that you may have been referring to naked pictures of me not of the flower variety. Not so stunning. Really, really awkward.....moving rapidly along then....in answer to your question then 1 billion dollars should do it nicely (wink, wink). 


How to get a dosage of neurotoxins?

Neuro toxins….let me see.  Dig a hole in the ground, bury your head for 12 hours and you should get what you need to last you a good 6 months (and at least it will get you off the Internet and away from asking stupid questions for a good day or so).

Can I get pictures of pretty middle aged women in glasses?

No. You can’t.  Pretty and middle aged are mutually exclusive terms once you hit 40. Just ask everyone under 25. I can get you middle aged and glasses though, no problems at all.

Apparently that wasn’t an acceptable answer, why?

Because that wasn’t an acceptable question.  Come back when you have something intelligent to say.

How to tell your mum you got arrested at 15?

Well if you are still 15 it is probably better to do it now rather than later because she has probably already cooked your dinner and will notice your absence at the dinner table. However, if you are older, and it happened in the past you owe her nothing. Simply because if she didn’t realise that you were in gaol and missing from the family home when you were 15, then she is really not that into you or what you get up to in your spare time.

How much is your dead body worth?

It depends on whether I’m still wearing my Christian Laboutin alligator pumps, Rolex, diamond tiara, Prada sunglasses, gold inlay teeth and my credit card.

If you are reading this then you are blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you

Oh, s-c-a-r-y. I can see perfectly well what is creeping up behind me you idiot. OLD AGE is creeping up on me, and there is nothing blissful about it!

GIVEAWAY 2 - DYMO® LABELLING MACHINES - Australian residents only

For a while now I've had a case of home office envy ever since I saw a blogging friend with an office blackboard that looked like this.

 

 

And that was just the start of her fantastic office space. She told me that the key to organising a home office is to find a place for everything (and label it), remove clutter, set up good systems and get rid of things you don't need.

So when I was offered the opportunity to review a couple of DYMO's business products I jumped at the chance hoping I would get some help to make my office even more professional looking.

When the products arrived I was amazed how DYMO® machines have changed over the years. I am sure you can remember the early products that used to produce multi coloured labels for everything and anything. Like this one.

They are nothing like that now.

Take the DYMO® LabelMaker 160.

It is a hand held device and very easy to use. It takes 6 AAA batteries but also has an optional AC adaptor if you prefer. You just type your text in, format it with one-touch Smart Keys for text size, bold, italic, underline and vertical text and then you print. It is really easy to create professional-looking labels. You can use up to 228 symbols and clip art images and it prints on a variety of coloured labels.

I tried it using black text on white tape but I would prefer the black text on clear tape which is also available, as it would be more versatile with different coloured stationery.

Of course I labelled everything in sight. It is a great, easy to use product for the home or office.

Then, I was very excited to try the DYMO® LabelWriter™ 450 label printer.

  It is the most popular of DYMO's label printer range. It is really small and compact for the job it does. It comes complete with USB and power cables, DYMO LabelWriter labelling software, a starter roll of address labels, User and Quick Start Guides and a cleaning card.

 It uses thermal printing technology that eliminates the cost of ink or toner. It allows you to choose from 100+ label styles and layouts and you can also quickly and easily set-up your own custom templates.

I found it very easy to use and it's going to save me lot of time when I am printing address labels for envelopes. It can apparently print 51 labels per minute. You can also add graphics and art which might be fun as well.

I tried it on both Mac and a PC and had no trouble at all.

I was able to print from within Word, Excel, Outlook and MYOB. It prints on a wide variety of labels such as media, name badges, shipping labels and multi-purpose labels.

It is black print only and it would be great if it could print in colour too. However, given that is not costing anything in ink I am happy to forgo the fancy colour. 

When not in use, the LabelWriter will go to ‘sleep’, with the blue power light dimming to show that it is in power conservation mode. However, there is no off button so to completely switch it off you need to do it at the wall.

I had fun creating a lot of different labels just to see what was available. I think I am going to get a lot of use with this machine and it will help my business look more professional.
 

You can purchase the full range of DYMO products at Officeworks .

If you would like to win both the DYMO LabelMaker 160 and the DYMO® LabelWriter™ 450 machines for your own home office or small business enter HERE.   The Giveaway closes at midnight on Saturday,  13 October 2012.

Note: I was provided a Dymo LabelWriter 450 and a Label Maker 160 for review and another set for a giveaway. As always, I made it clear to the supplier that this does not mean that it buys a positive review. Any reviews I do are based on my actual experience and opinions and are not affected by offers of free products (unless it happens to be Chocolate or Botox, then all bets are off and ethics goes right out the window...joking).

GIVEAWAY 1 - PAPERMATE INKJOY™ Pens plus DIARY PLANNER - Australian Residents Only

I have a bit of a confession to make.

There are a few things that can actually get me more excited than Chocolate. And one of those things happens to be Stationary.  You can never ever have enough really. Just ask all my previous employers.

So when I was approached to take the Inkjoy™ Challenge by comparing Papermate's new range of Inkjoy™ 100 pens with my current ballpoint well, I could hardly say no could I? I mean look at them?

Look at those vibrant colours? They are available in a medium point in black, blue, red, purple, green, orange, turquoise, magenta, brown and lime.

Papermate claims that the Inkjoy™ pens feature a revolutionary writing system, giving the best in effortless writing. So I put the pens to the test.

Here's the Writing test:

The pens feature a triangular shape so they are really comfortable to write with and it is true, they are a lot smoother to write with then your average ball point pen. I don’t normally use a ballpoint but these Inkjoys™ blur the line between ballpoint and a rollerball. They are very smooth and great value at 45c each.

 

I think that making the pens “smoother” means a little more ink on the page, and a smoother ink in the barrel.  However, there was no sign of any smudges at all. However, I wonder how they go with my ultimate test?

Here's the Doodling Test:

Doodling? Yes, you read right. I always use my pens to doodle when on the phone or when I am meant to be meeting an important deadline, don't you? In a two minute phone call I drew the following doodles using the pens.  They were great to draw with as well. There was no leakage of ink and I love the range of colours, especially the purple, hot pink and orange.

And luckily for you, Papermate has given me a set of 8 pens to give away to one of my readers so they can take the Inkjoy™ challenge as well.

AND, we all know you can't have great pens if you have nothing to write on, true?

So, the winner will also receive a gift voucher for one of the Diary Planners that I reviewed last week on behalf of the innovative Australian company, Personal Planner. The winner will get to design their very own planner. The content, the colour, images, period covered, the integration of special dates, words.....will be all yours to decide.

It is absolute fun.

Here is a reminder of the one I made.

YOU CAN ENTER THIS GIVEAWAY HERE  

It is open to Australian residents only and entries close at midnight on Saturday 13 October 2012.


Good Luck.


Note: I received no payment from Papermate or its associates for this review. I was given a set of Inkjoy pens in order to review the product and another set to giveaway to one of my readers. The views expressed in this post are entirely my own.

Do you do this too?

In the words of David Attenborough, “Have you noticed this unexplained and rather odd phenomenon taking over the world?”

As for me, I’ve been part of it  for so long that I haven’t really given much thought to how odd it may seem.

To the some who are clearly uninitiated in the art of the multipurpose accessory.

Up or down. Back or forward. Day and night. Always at the ready.

Then he had to spoil it all and ask something that no-one else had put to me before.

“Why? Why do you do that? It’s just bizarre. Are the paparazzi a problem for you or don’t you have pockets?”

 “Maybe”, I said a little defensively, looking around to see if anyone was staring at me like some kind of photochromatic freak show.

 “I just do…..because... it gives me a tactical advantage to….well I'm sure it might if I was a Secret Service Agent."

 Maybe it’s just an optical illusion. Besides, what’s the harm?

 They are practical, useful, functional and pretty stylish if I do say so myself.

And so very comfortable that I forget they are there.

 But as I look around at others, I start to think that maybe it is a little odd. Perhaps even ridiculous.

I glance in the mirror behind. Mmmm. Perhaps he has a point. Is that a Mickey Mouse tiara reflecting back at me.

 It is a restaurant after all. And the night sky is black outside. Maybe it is all shades of wrong for this kind of adornment.

 So I quickly slip them off and tuck them away in my handbag. An unfamiliar resting place.

 My hair falls on my face and I annoyingly push the untethered strands away.

 Am I the only one besides the Hollywood elite and the Vogue fashionistas wearing this misunderstood habit?

 Sometimes I misplace them and search frantically for minutes.

 Only to discover that they have been perched in their resting place all along.

 They are just always there. Waiting to see the light of day or night. Sunny and overcast. Raining and snowing.

 Hiding a multitude of sins, protecting me from cruel light and the occasional flying object and insult.

 Fashion, function, habit? I am not really sure. I just really, really like wearing a UV protecting tiara on my crown.

So, do you wear sunglasses on the top of your head?

The beautiful art of Danny Roberts. You can see more of his work on my Inspiration blog.





Hot Topics - Tipping the Scales

Are you game to give your opinion?

Every Monday I plan to blog about a polarising topic which affects us all no matter where we live in the World. And I would love to know your thoughts.

I was inspired to choose my first, rather heavyweight topic, after reading Kay’s  latest blog post about what Japan, the slimmest industrialised nation in the world, is doing to manage its rising obesity levels. As Kay says, it is a sensitive issue for a lot of us so we need to tread carefully.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am one of those people who has always struggled with my weight. Sometimes I feel like I am in some kind of Pudgy Purgatory, never destined to make it to the highly desired, yet unattainable utopia of Skinnydom. It takes discipline, will power and knowledge to manage what goes in my mouth. It is a choice for most of us but not always an easy one for a hundred and one reasons.

However, the fact is, the World's population is getting fatter and fatter and you don't have to look far to see the evidence. It is everywhere. 

Strangely, after reading Kay's post, I opened this morning's newspaper to see this headline on the front page.

Since the 1980s, obesity levels of adults and children have grown at an alarming rate across the world. In fact they have DOUBLED in what is a relatively short time.

Australia, according to this newspaper report, is wallowing in lard and we are smoking and drinking to extremes. Gluttony it seems, has become the new sin of choice. And yet, oddly while all this eating is going on, we are also spending increasing billions on gym memberships, diet foods and weight loss clinics.

Somewhere or other it has all gone pear shaped. 

We already know that obesity causes a huge host of health problems which inevitably will result in shorter lives, an increased burden on families, strain on the already overloaded heath care system and a drain on society in general. Who is going to pay for the poor food choices being made and consumed? Because it will not be just the people consuming the empty calories.

Australia comes 6th on the World Health Organisation’s Obesity World rankings. The USA is sitting in number 1 position followed by Mexico, United Kingdom, Slovakia, and Greece. Canada ranks at 11 and surprisingly, countries such as India are also quickly climbing the rankings. Japan on the other hand, rates at 28 with only 3% of its population considered to be obese (compared to Australia’s 27%).

This bulging epidemic is forcing governments to take action. Some European countries, like Denmark have introduced a 'Fat Tax' on products with high levels of saturated fat, in the same way many have done with alcohol and cigarettes.

Japan, on the other hand, has taken rather a more contentious approach to how it manages the problem. Being thin isn’t just the price you pay for fashion or social acceptance in Japan; it’s also now the law there.



So what do we do before the world literally explodes? What strategies may work? 

Whichever way we go, we will have to pay for our sins one way or another. So, perhaps it's best to slowly back away from the cookie jar now people. Even though I really, really do love those chocolate creams....

How the hell did you get my number?

Image courtesy of www.thevine.com.au

  

I recently found some great tips on Kate’s blog about how to turn the tables on pesky telemarketers.

And I have to admit that I have been keen to try them out because telemarketers have been really annoying me of late, particularly those from Charities.

As a rule I never answer a call on my mobile from an unknown number because I assume if someone wants to speak to me they will leave a message.

Last Friday I received a few calls from an unknown number but no message was left.

When the phone rang for the fourth time, I decided to answer the call. I just knew that it was someone trying to sell something.

“Hello”, I said in a cheery, you have no idea what’s coming next, kind of voice.

“Hi, how are you, it’s Paula calling from Readers Digest.”

Silent groan. How many times have I been that close to winning that $500,000 sweepstakes, Paula? Phone calls, emails, snail mail.

“Hi Paula, I am so grateful you rang to find out how I am because these days no-one seems to care. And as it happens I really need someone to talk to because I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore and to top it off my dog just died."

Dead silence.

She finally asked, “Is that Lilly or have I got the wrong number?”

“Yes, it’s Lilly but I am actually kind of busy at the moment so if you could give me your home number I will ring you back later tonight.”

“No, no”, said Paula, “I am actually at work not home so how about I ring you back tomorrow morning.”

“Oh", I said in my most empathetic tone, "so you don't want anyone bothering you at home Paula, I totally understand. Well now you know exactly how I feel. Please can you delete my details from your data base because I am not interested in winning your sweepstakes and I certainly don't want to be contacted again.”

“Lilly, hang on a minute", she said a bit more forcefully. “I just wanted to know if it was you who submitted a story to us for publication.”

Oh sheesh....

"A story?" I mumbled.

“Yes, about a dog", she said.

“Mmmm, come to think of it I may have done that online, on a whim, late one night”….(a failing memory is a terrible thing especially when I just told her the dog had died).

“Well, she said, “we thought your story was really sweet and we would like to publish it in December.”

Oh. My. Goodness.

“I am so sorry Paula, I….would love you to publish it. When I heard you say Reader’s Digest I just thought that you were trying to sell me something. I feel kind of foolish." 

“That’s ok, I understand” she laughed. "You have to remember that there are some good parts of Readers Digest too (and does that confirm that there are indeed some bad parts). I will put the contract in the mail.”

So, my only advice to you is if you pick up the phone, wait to find out exactly what the caller wants before trying to derail them with any terrorist strategies. It might save you some embarrassment.

At least we now know that Reader’s Digest is willing to publish the work of complete nutters. Just ask Paula and she will undoubtedly confirm it.

I also wanted to tell you all about an international flash fiction competition that everyone should enter.

For the International Museum of Words competition you only have to write a story with a maximum of 100 words. The prize is $20,000 and a trip to New York. The three runners up win $1,000. Now that is a good return on a 100 word effort wouldn’t you say?

The competition closes on 23 November 2012 and you can submit 2 stories per entrant. The winner will be announced in early 2013 - I am sure there will be a lot of entries to read. You can find out more and enter here.

There's a bear in there...

and people as well..

When we walked into her living room I noticed this adorable large teddy bear sitting on a chair.

I walked over to it and couldn't help but pick it up and give it a cuddle.

I should have learnt my lesson about being so free with my love.

Sometimes things aren't what they seem. At all.

"Oh" she said as she rushed over to me, "this is David."

"He is lovely and ...quite heavy" I said.

She then took the bear gently from me, patting its back as she held it tightly.

She then went on to tell us that 'David' was her son.

I looked at my mother and rolled my eyes. Clearly her neighbour was a lonely old nutter.

The lady told us that David died when he was 24 and she had decided to sew his ashes into his childhood bear.  That way she was still able to hug him and talk to him whenever she wanted.

She even takes him for outings in the car every weekend. That bear, or David sorry, probably has a better social life than I do!

I am really, really immature as you know, but I found it all really weird and very uncomfortable.

Death is fine. Inevitable. I don't have issues with that.

In fact, I am going to be cremated one day myself but there is no bloody way I want someone sewing my ashes into my old teddy bear (even though he could use some filling the poor old thing). And while I've always wanted a body like Barbie I don't want anyone taking her head off, pouring me in and putting me on the mantelpiece to live my barbie girl dreams, either.

Yes, totally and absolutely ridiculous.

But now I have become a bit obsessed about the whole ashes thing. What will I decide to do with mine? No, I am not going to let my daughter decide after the event because she is sure to accidentally misplace me. She has a habit of losing things on the tram, at bars, shops, on planes, so who knows where I would end up?

Besides, people do strange things with their loved ones leftovers.

I recall being at a football stadium in Scotland and seeing some fan's ashes being scattered on the pitch just before a game started. All I could think about was the poor footballers who were going to be slipping and sliding all over the pitch and would end up being covered in someone else by the end of the game.

No-one else seemed to have an issue with it. Just me.

So what other options are there? I started googling for ideas. Jesus Christ is all I am saying.

Did you know that Maurice Gibb's (Bee Gees) ashes, for example, were turned into some diamonds and shared around the family.

What about being put in a rocket and blasted into space?

Or scattered whilst on a ride at Disneyland.

There is a man who keeps his wife in his bed on the same side she slept for fifty years.

Or the people who mix their loved ones ashes with clay and turn them into coffee cups or ornaments.

Or what about becoming your very own snow globe?

My favourite would have to be this one. Get ready.

Your ashes can actually be made into food grade vitamin tablets that can strengthen your surviving family for years to come.

Imagine. You can actually be eaten by your relatives. Hopefully I would cause them severe indigestion if they tried that on.

I am not doing any of this. I personally don't want my ashes to have more of an exciting time then I got to have when I was alive.

So they are getting buried.....anywhere. Don't mind where but it needs to happen quickly before anyone has any funny ideas.

So tell me, what are your views about this whole keeping of ashes thing. Is it just me or is it all a little odd? Or am I missing something?

Topless photos of Kate Middleton

It is not only France's Closer magazine which has the scoop.

I have topless photos of Kate Middleton to share too.

Merci beaucoup.

Not sure what the fuss is about. Do you?

First Harry. Then Kate.

Let this be a warning to Camilla and Charles who are visiting Australia soon. We have the best beaches in the world, a really laid back lifestyle and are used to turning a blind eye. However, while I am sure you both have lots to show us, DON'T even think about it. No, I am serious.

Our paparazzi are deadlier than our spiders. Just sayin'.

Have a great weekend everyone. Rejoice in your anonymity and your freedom to do what you want in your own time without pesty photographers following your every move..

No. More. Gaps.

I’ve been visiting my mother for a few weeks in BrisVegas Brisbane.

I never mention her on my blog because unlike my late father who loved the limelight, she is an incredibly private person.

However, having just stumbled upon one of her most closely guarded secrets, I feel the need to share it far and wide. Simply because I know you need all the help you can get too.

Mum will understand my need to go public. One day.

And if not, I guess she will cut me out of her will and life will go on.

You see, my mother looks years younger than she should. I can’t show you a picture of her on the "public internets" because she wouldn't be able to sleep for fear of kidnapping or public ridicule. You will just have to take my word for it.

I have always put her youthful, unlined complexion down to genetics and a very healthy lifestyle. And having watched her like a hawk over the years I know for a fact she doesn't use beauty products, she doesn't indulge in surgical enhancements and she refrains from drinking any crazy gypsy potions unless G&Ts are counted.

She is 'au naturale' as the French might say.

However, there is still a teeny, tiny part of me that wonders if she is holding back on the truth. Perhaps she does get a little help, just like her sister Cecile. 

You see Aunty Cecile, who is in her late 70s, tells everyone that she is genetically blessed and has no grey hair. Just picture a female Paul McCartney and you will get the idea, wink wink. However, we know she is telling fibs because she has never been able to explain to her kids why there are empty L'Oreal Paris hair colour packets in her rubbish bin. Bit of a giveaway really.

As for my mother, I have tried to get to the bottom of her youthful dewiness many times but always come up empty handed (and no, these hands have never delved into her rubbish bins, I can promise you).

Well all that changed yesterday.

Secrets always have a habit of revealing themselves, don't they?

I walked into my mother's ensuite bathroom, minding my own business and there IT was.

Standing on the bathroom cabinet, large as life, was THIS product.

Brazen really. All things considered.

Selleys. NO. MORE. GAPS.

So .....this is what she has been using all these years to maintain her gap free existence?  Mmmmm.

Luckily for you it is available at all good hardware stores, the world over.

Of course when I asked her what she was using it for she coughed and spluttered and looked suitably embarrassed. And it was not lost on me that she quickly hid the product before anyone else got a chance to see it.

"Stop it", she said laughing. "This stuff is for my bathroom tiles not me. I'm not hiding anything. Laughter is the real secret to why people stay young, not creams. I keep telling you I don't use anything."

Yes, sure Mum. I understand.....I really, really do.....I still think she is hiding something....


So tell me who or what in your life makes you laugh out loud?


WARNING: And just in case someone thinks it is a good idea to use NO  MORE GAPS on their wrinkles, my mother tells me she really was using this product on her tiles not her face. Yes, she is youthful, smart, funny and apparently does all her own home maintenance herself too. Now you can see where all my problems started, lol.

The things I want to say...but don't..

The older I get people keep telling me I am channelling my grandmother.

Which is great in many, many ways.

Well, all except one perhaps.

To put it bluntly Nana had a really BIG mouth.

No really.  She did. There is no sugar coating it.

In fact, she could be really insulting. It got worse the older she became because she was so deaf she compensated by speaking very loudly.

And then there was really no denying what she was saying.

The worst example of this I can give you was when the whole family was gathered for my cousin's wedding. It was held in this beautiful park and all the guests were standing either side of a pathway watching the bride and her father walking by. As the Bride neared us my grandmother lent over to my sister and said in her foghorn voice, "Oh my, hasn't she put on some weight since we last we saw her, I never knew she was that fat."

Truly. Appalling.

I just mouthed the words "Alzheimers" to those people who did not know her and who were looking horrified. Thank goodness, the Bride was caught up in her special day and did not seem to hear the insult.

Nanna was a bit weight obsessed come to think of it. I recall one time I was at her house and lying on a rug in front of the open fire. She said, "Don't lie that close, because your fat will melt all over my floor."

That was Nanna. She was just plain rude at times. I don't think she was always that way but over time she just seemed to lose her sensitivity chip.

She said what she thought, when she thought it and didn't appear to much care about the consequences.

So while I am happy to take on some of her more positive virtues I really do not want to be known for her negative traits. So I am trying very hard to keep my mouth firmly shut when I would like to say something negative to people as well.

Instead, I will just blog to the People of the Internet about the things I've wanted to say this week but didn't .........as you do. It's a bit of a shame that Nanna never had a blog really.......


1. Tights are not leggings and leggings are not pants. You seem to have left the house in your what would appear to be see through black tights and top and forgotten to put on your pants or skirt. This is a fashion trend I really do not get.

2. Please stop talking about the latest diet you are on. Seriously it would be fine if it was just the one diet you started and stopped. But in the last 12 months you have waxed lyrical about 100 different diets - the Paleo, Atkins, Zone, Raw Food, South Beach and the Harcombe diets. And unfortunately not followed through on any of them.

3. Yes, the Botox in your forehead looks fantastic. However, it makes the bottom half of your face appear more droopy as though you have had a stroke. The best of both worlds does not always apply.

4. Disability parks are not meant for able bodied people. As I sat there in an ordinary carpark waiting for my sister who is in a wheelchair to finish her appointment, I  saw car after car of perfectly able bodied people using the disabled car parks because they were close to the shops. I seriously do not know how people have the nerve to do this as though it does not matter. It matters to the person with a disability not to mention it is illegal.

5. People with a physical disability still have a brain...that works. I was in a pharmacy the other day with my sister who is in a wheelchair. She was asking the pharmacist and an assistant for some advice about something. When they answered her questions they did not address her. They looked at me when they spoke. Even though I had not said a word. It happens all the time. It is almost as though people assume that someone in a wheelchair with a physical disability is deaf, dumb and stupid as well. And she is anything but. I expected more from a health professional.

And just to finish it off on a more positive note, hasn't the Paralympics been spectacular? These athletes are absolutely super human and show us all that we should be focusing on what we can do not what we cannot do.  Also, compared to the Olympics, it is such a pleasure to watch athletes who are excited and happy even when they don't get a medal. Thanks again Britain for two great games!!!

Miss Molly had a Dolly...once upon a time

But now it seems she's moved onto something else.

Can you believe it?

Never ask me to dogsit your precious pooch because as past experience will show, I am definitely no dog whisperer.

I swear I was only talking on the phone for 5 minutes. Next thing, I found Molly inside the off limits house, snoozing on the off limits leather couch cradling the off, off, off limits iPad.

It could have gone so wrong if I had not found her when I did.

I just hope she doesn't have an online gambling problem.

And speaking of dogs I have to tell you about the clever Labrador I came across on my road trip.

As I was booking into a Motel one evening I noticed a black Labrador sitting just outside the office.

As the Receptionist told me my room number and handed me the key I noticed the dog walk off.

Then as I parked the car outside the room I noticed the Labrador sitting at the front door. As I walked towards the door he came over to me, nodded his head and walked off. I later mentioned this to the Receptionist and she said he does the same with all the guests. He hears her tell them the room number and then he goes to the room and waits at the door until the guest arrives.

So even though Molly clearly surfs the net in her downtime do you really think that dogs can understand and read room numbers?