Monday 22 October 2012

More of a lesson in Humanity

than one in British History.


I was walking round and round the supermarket this morning frustratedly looking for the very last item on my list.

I passed an older couple and glanced at them briefly and smiled. 

The woman smiled back and then walked purposely towards me and placed both of her hands on my trolley. I was taken aback and wondered if she had mistaken me for someone else. 

She was beautifully dressed with expertly applied makeup and was, I guess, in her mid to late 60s. I looked around and noticed her husband hurriedly walking off in the other direction and around the corner out of sight. 

She moved closer to me and held her face uncomfortably close to mine. She looked me up and down and said, “You are very tall my dear, did you know that?” I smiled and said, "Yes, I do know that but I quite like being tall as I can always reach the top shelves.” 

She laughed, her eyes as big as saucers. I quickly realised that there was an underlying problem, the nature of which became more transparent with every word she spoke. 

Lost in my thoughts for a few seconds I wondered why I had given up online shopping and why the hell this kind of thing always happens to me.  She tightly squeezed my arm to get my attention again. 

She asked me if I had heard of Scotland. Her voice increased in volume and a few passers by turned to stare at us. I told her that funnily enough I had lived there for some time. 

"Do you have a Scottish husband?" she asked. She then told me she was born in Edinburgh but had made the mistake of marrying 'one of those ghastly Poms" (Englishman). 

I tried walking away hoping her husband, whom I assumed to be the ghastly Pom, wasn't too far away. She followed behind me asking if I knew how the Scots managed to beat the English during their many wars. She laughed raucously and told me that the Scots wore their kilts into battle but they did not wear anything under them. She said that when they lifted up their skirts, the English were so frightened by their huge penises that they had no choice but to retreat. 

All at the top of her voice.

I laughed a little awkwardly and looked around trying to find her husband. I finally found him hovering in a nearby aisle, red faced and no doubt wondering how it was all going to end. 

I tried to reassure him that she was fine and that she was helping me find a grocery item I was looking for. She told him that I was looking for a drink that I could pour into an ice cream cone. He winked at me and suggested that I might find such a product in the ice cream section. 

She then grabbed his hand tightly in hers. She told me that her husband was very smart for an Englishman, that he had four computers and that he was now working as a paratrooper.

He looked at me, shook his head and the colour instantly drained from his face.

He then burst into tears.

It clearly was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was not sure what to do. She was totally oblivious to his grief and happily prattled on about his non existent life as a paratrooper. 

I touched his arm, asked him if he was alright and checked if there was anything I could do.

He said he was fine.

This couple reminded me of something important today. And no, strangely enough, it was nothing to do with the Scottish Wars of Independence. It was something a little more profound.

Carers are our unsung heroes and they have a huge battle to contend with. Many are fighting their wars alone. 

Today I made a pledge to do something more for the Carers of this world. A gift, some flowers, a kind word, a meal, a few hours adult/child sitting, a donation, a phone call, whatever, just something positive to show a bit more care. 

And with that, Ernie, Sonia and I shared a cup of coffee and had a good chat. About wars, Scotsmen and all manner of varied topics that she wanted to cover.

I say go and hug a Carer that you may know today. This week. This month. Whenever. Just do it.

They truly need all the support they can get to fight the never ending and relentless battle they face day in and day out. 


Some quick statistics from the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

2.6 million unpaid carers in Australia more than 770,000 carers are primary carers     
300,000 carers are under the age of 24
150,000 carers are under the age of 18
over 1.5 million carers are of working age (18-64)
31,600 Indigenous carers are over the age of 15
520,000 carers are over 65 years of age
estimated annual replacement value of care provided in 2012 is over $40.9 billion
it is estimated that carers provided 1.32 billion hours of unpaid care in 2010 with productivity loss estimated at $6.5 billion
On average carers spend approximately 40 hours per week providing care. It is estimated that carers of someone with a mental illness spend on average 104 hours per week in the caring role.


 
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62 comments:

  1. Lilly this is such a moving post, and you are so right about the carers. What a wonderful supportive thing to do, in a small way.

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    1. Thanks Christine, I know you 'get' it given everythign you do for your Mother too.

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  2. Oh my goodness- how moving and stirring. If you aren't called to action by that, I don't know what it would take. Its true, we often focus so much on the person with the illness or impairment and forget about the caretaker. Excellent reminder and very poignant story- you are so amazingly good at telling this!

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    1. Thanks Vicky, that means a lot coming from you. Truly!

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  3. You know what?? After reading this my opinion (which was high already) of you just rose mile high! You have no idea how moving this is to me, because my dad is in the same situation as that gentleman. You could have told them off and just left them standing there, but you took time out of your busy schedule and listened to them. I´m sure that gentleman will be "feeding" off that moment for a long time to come!!
    Hugs to you Lilly!

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    1. Thanks Betty. I thought of you when I was writing this actually as I know you are facing similar hurdles at the moment. Anything I can do, please just holler.

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  4. Just brilliant sweet girl, you certainly know how to tell a story. They are the forgotten ones aren't they, and so many kids caring for parents too.

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    1. I know I used to have a boss whose only charity was for the Carers Association. I never thought much about it at the time but now it is a little clearer as to why they are such a great charity. Imagine all the kids caring for their parents every day. That is the one that is hard to come to grips with. Every kid deserves a trouble free childhood.

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  5. Good caregivers are incredibly important. Anyone is blessed who has someone kind, intelligent, reliable, honest , neat, clean organized, and responsible taking care of them.

    That's just my future wish list:)

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    1. And understandably so too. It is going to become a larger issue as time goes on given the aging population. And there are many people out there with all those qualities too.

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  6. You are truly truly special Lilli...! That sisuation was Heartbreaking---especially in terms of the Husband....I have seen, first hand, just a little bit of the difficulty a Care-Giver has when a close friend's husband sank further and further into the Alzheimers Abyss....! Somerimes we don't know what to do and it scares us....
    This was a profoundly moving post, my dear Lilli

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    1. I know Naomi, it was a bit of a heartbreaking situation. You could tell he was just at the end of his tether. And she was just so happy and unencumbered by the weight of it all. I think it must be harder for men to be carers too - but he was doing such a wonderful job. However, he was embarassed by her loudness and cannot leave her at home on her own so has to bring her shopping. Thanks for your comment x

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  7. That is sad and I admit you do not hear much about all the pople caring for others. Those stats are scary. you just assume everyone is getting help. Poor guy it must be emabrassing, heart breaking and so hard to live anyway a normal life again.This post has inspired me.We all need to reach out and help people more. thanks for the reminder.

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    1. Yes they are scary and of course there will be so many more. It was a wake up call for me that Carers need a lot of support from everyone that is able to do so. All it needs is something small every now and then because their lives sometimes must feel that they are marking time I am sure.

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  8. My Mother has this dreadful disease too. It's heartbreaking really but she is not in pain and she is on the whole happy. They just disappear really right before your eyes. Thanks for a lovely post.

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    1. Thank you Margie. All the best to you and your mother and I hope you are getting all the support you need. Don't forget to ask for help from somone if you need it.

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  9. I love you for posting this ..........

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  10. You are one in a million Lilly, how like you to go for a cuppa with them and how kind of you to speak with them, I bet the husband was so relieved to actually have a conversation which included both of them. Poor man must be so weary trying to cope with her, it must have helped tremendously to have someone caring enough to take the time to spend a while with them.

    My Dad had Alzheimers and for the last three years of his life he suffered from it. After retirement he worked as a sort of porter/watchman) at a golf club on the other side of Glasgow a couple of nights a week - He would make tea, carry cases for folk etc. He loved his wee job there, he was very fit physically and needed something to do and the job did extend his health both mentally along with his general health.

    Latterly though he couldn't cope and had to give it up. He then started to go walkabout and a couple of times the police would pick him up at the golf club and bring him home. By this time my Mum who had heart problems was heading for a complete breakdown and it meant that he had to be taken into a care home. After only 5 weeks there he developed pneumonia and was transferred to hospital where he died a few days later.

    My Mum only lived for a year after Dad died. Alzheimers is a hellova thing to see... not for the one who suffers from it, but for those who have to watch their loved ones with it and the worst thing is it's ruddy well becoming more and more common ...

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    1. That is so interesting Kate. Your sweet father and him wanting to go back to the golf club. Clearly he was very happy being there. Yes it is becoming more common, makes you wonder why. We can all just keep a look out for each other is all we can do.

      And Katie, I thought you were going to confirm or deny the Scottish kilt theory. I never heard the story once while I lived there, lol. As for the claims about what was under the tartan, well the Scottish men liked to stretch the truth, no?

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    2. Just for your delectation 'Lilly O' ! OOps..

      I tried to show a song which explains exactly what is worn underneath a kilt but your blog wouldn't allow it so I've added it to my blog ENJOY !!

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    3. Lol Kate that is hilarious. I knew you wouldn't let me down!!

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  11. A very profoundly moving post my friend. You have given me much food for thought as I usually run a mile from these sort of people, one of my excuses being I have not got the time to stop and listen.
    Caregiving can be physically, emotionally and financially overwhelming and as a result they may neglect their own well-being.
    I am sure your act of kindness gave Ernie a much needed emotional boost.
    Namaste and big big heart hugs
    Peggy

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    1. Thanks Peggy. Strangely it was only the week before that a man followed me around the supermarket asking me about my marital status. He was drunk and very loud and causing a bit of a commotion. So when this woman started talking to me I thought to myself, Why me? I do make eye contact with people and I do smile at people. And I guess sometimes this is the outcome. I am so glad I did meet this couple though because that sweet Ernie really needed to talk. Must be very lonely and while I can always say I am in a rush, not this time. You would have done the same Peggy for sure. Besides I know from personal experience that it is tough on both parties. Hugs to you my friend.

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  12. Dang, this brought a tear to my eyes (very nearly anyway)... there's so much pain nowadays.

    As I wander home in the evenings (it was pouring yesterday and a squall blowing) there were women sitting on George Street begging, there was a guy on his knees at Wynyard station another on the platform. What happened to our welfare? Compassion?

    It's all about a balanced budget.

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    1. That is sad YW and scary about the homeless situation. I cannot imagine living out on the streets expecially there. Things are noticeably getting worse. And I am not sure where it is going to end except each of us can do small things which may make someone else's life a little richer and more pleasant.

      As for the balanced budget, I have been in Brisbane and of course every second public servant has been sacked here. Things are tough but the government is trying to reign in spending. Its just statistics and more statistics. We can all only do our best.

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  13. Gosh, Lilly... You are too wonderful. You really are. I am in awe of the fact that you went ahead and took the time to spend precious time with that fellow. I can just imagine what it meant to him.

    My father had Alzheimers too. It is so hard on the care givers. It scares me too because almost all of his 8 siblings had it. My brother and I often talk about what our chances are of getting this dreaded disease.

    What a wonderful husband that was and you, Lilly are just as amazing as I knew you were. You are setting a good example for all of us.

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    1. Well I would not do that normally with a stranger but this guy really was crushed and it was all a little much. I felt kind of responsible too given I engaged with her in conversation. Yes Ernie is a very courageous man who is finding it a little tough. Interesting about your father Kay. I do not know enough about the disease but you are very active in all ways so you have to look at your mother because she is wonderful and very fit.

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  14. Very good message and your kindness made a difference. Giving care as a parent and grandparent can be demanding work and I think caring for an adult would be even tougher. Many people do set up to the challenge. The idea of being required of that job worries me.

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    1. If you love someone you do what you need to do but the hard part comes I imagine when you know that you cannot manage it anymore and you need other caregivers to come in or your loved one to go into a home. I think the message is to watch out for people in whatever way we can. There by the grace of God go I.....

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  15. My grandmother had Alzheimer's. Most of the family members said to put her in a home. She was there for one week. My parents went to see her and Dad immediately said, "We are not leaving your mother here." Nana stayed with my parents for 5 more years. She lived in a home filled with love. My parents didn't receive any type of financial support. My parents.... are the reason I believe in love. I hug them every time that I see them :)

    Beautiful post. Brought up emotions close to the heart.

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    1. What a beautiful comment Aleta. It does not surprise me one iota to hear that about your father. You have wonderful parents which is why you are also going to make the best mother in the whole wide world.

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  16. Such a lovely post. You write so well Lilly. Always makes me think.

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    1. Thanks Frances and thanks for stopping by.

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  17. Those stats are horrific and only going to grow. The poor kids who are caters of parents and still trying to go to school. Great post.

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  18. Beautiful post.

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  19. This moved me..oh well, to flowing tears. Hello Lilly, this is oceangirl calling from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia :)

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    1. Oh Oceangirl, thanks, glad you stopped by.

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  20. \i just found your blog from my friend Kay at Musings, I'm so very glad I have, best wishes from Canada!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Laurie, appreciate the comment and visit.

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  21. There are so many people I know caring for kids, grandkids, mothers, sister,s brothers, fathers, partners. These are all hidden costs as well, in many cases. I so agree that sometimes we focus on the person that is ill or disabled to the point the Carer gets ignored. The effort that goes in is often overlooked and what a lonely life it can be. I am so glad you told this story. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks Nancy and yes there are so many Carers who need all the support we as a community can give them. Thanks for your comment.

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  22. Thanks for the post,Lilly. It reminded that during my years as a carer I had a good friend who always asked first how I was doing before enquiring about my very ill husband. She brightened my day and made me feel appreciated.

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    1. that is a great point, Carers should be acknowledged and asked how they are. I know I too make the mistake about asking how the person being cared for is and often forget to ask about the Carer.

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  23. And this is exactly why I love you, Lilly. What a kind thing to do for this couple. I'm sure your time was a huge gift for the husband and a lovely visit for the wife.

    Care-giving, especially for a loved one, is a difficult but great job and an extra hand is always helpful.

    You have a good heart. xo jj

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    1. Thank JJ, I know you help your friend and your godson too. Yes we all should be offering help where we can, even it it turns out to be a stranger. I have changed my views about this now.

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  24. Erica Badstowe (Sydney)25 October 2012 at 14:52

    Someone sent me this link. What a lovely story and it was very sweet of you to engage with this couple. Everyone rushes around not even acknowledging others anymore and this poor man must have really been at wits end. He must hold his breath every time he ventures out. I am sure that every carer knows perfectly well how he feels.

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    1. Thanks Erica for stopping by and commenting. Yes, this man is a gem, just like the hundreds of thousands of others out there doing it tough.

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  25. Great reminder, thanks very much, bought tears to my eyes and that never happens.

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    1. Thanks Sandra, it made me open my eyes up a bit wider too.

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  26. Aw, that was such a sweet post. Made me all teary.

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  27. Yes I knew it was going to be touchy but didn't realise it could be so moving. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks for visiting Umashanker. Appreciate your comment.

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  28. The way the rates of dementia are going it is something we are going to be seeing more and more.

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  29. That is a lovely story. For any of us with aged parents it is very meaningful indeed, thanks so much for posting it.

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  30. I agree with other commenters, it is indeed a lovely and heartbreak story that many people are experiencing across the world. The numbers are growing apparently and I wonder where all the carers are going to come from.

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  31. I thought this was a great read, sad and my eyes filled up but an important reminder for us all. Thank you.

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  32. It's 7:15am here in Victoria right now, 20 minuits ago I rang the carers hotline, the receptionist told me they were not open til 7:00, I said that I was desperate and really needed someone, anyone, to talk to, I was in tears when I confessed that I was in fact contemplating suicede (life had become that unbearabl), she said someone would call me back in a few minutes. My tears stopped when I recieved the text message, now I just feel hollow, empty & numb... it reads.....

    "Julian, our service is not open till 8:30 am.
    Please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you need to talk to someone before then.
    Thanks Carers Victoria."

    I've been up all night searching for help or some advice or answers or maybe just make contact with someone who understood what I was going through, I registered on a support forum, but was unable to post anything, I felt I may depress an otherwise happy bunch of folks, eventually I started researching methods of suicide and ordered what I needed on ebay, thank god for ebay.

    I'm 55 years old now and feel like I'm 70, I took care of my father up until his death, but I was much, much younger then, odd that it was just a handfull of years ago... At his deathbed in the hospital my sister slapped my face and told me "I know what your doing!!"... To this day I am compleatly mystified by that, I thought that what I was doing was called "the right thing", but I've been wrong before, I'd ask her to clarify the statement but I haven't seen her since, I think she meant the fact that my parents promised to leave me money and a home in exchange for keeping them out of a nursing home.. but I'll never know for sure....

    She needn't of worried, my mother now 91 has no intentention of making a will or even arranging for me to stay on in "her" housing commission house should anything happen to her.

    I've just deleted a few paragraphs of explanation to my current state of mind, I'll just say that I know exactly how that old guy must be feeling each and every waking moment of his life, it's called misery it's cold and dark and bleak and it never, never ends. having my mother tell me she doesn't care when I tell her that I'm seriously worried about my own health and complaining that she'll have nobody to get her groceries when I told her I lost 7 kilograms and was afraid I might be dieing of something!!! is just the tip of the iceberg, there is just a constant stream of petty selfish abuse that is too hurtfull to describe.

    I think you deserve to be on a short list for a sainthood for taking the time to help let alone bothering to try to understand the situation, I doubt any one could grasp the effect that (not so) small act of kindness would have on someone in his situation.

    God bless you, for understanding.

    Jules

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Thanks for your comments.