Friday, 12 October 2012

Anyone under 40 turn away now

because I don't want to traumatise you before it is absolutely necessary.

Yesterday I visited the skin doctor.

I took my naked face on the train in peak hour and had to wear these.



Just in case I ran into someone I know. (Although its questionable whether anyone would recognise me without makeup anyway).  
  
There was no point painting my face because the doctor would then have to take my makeup off with a trowel and charge me exorbitant labour fees on top off her already exorbitant specialist’s fees.

I don’t know, things seem to grow on you the older you get and I don’t just mean your nose, ears or your daughter's boyfriends.

I have fair skin, live in a very hot country and have to be careful about sun damage.

I’ve been wearing Factor 30 (it doesn’t get higher here) religiously since it was finally revealed in the Women’s Weekly that drowning ourselves in baby oil and lying in the mid day sun was not as cool as every 70s teen thought it was.

I went into the doctors feeling so so with myself but came out with an expression like this.

Somehow the conversation about sun damage turned into how she could reorganise my whole face and the features that sit on it in four easy moves for a few thousand dollars.

Checkmate!

I wasn't keen. Someone tried to rearrange my face for free once and it's completely turned me off facial alterations.

It all happened like this.

The Doctor held my face carefully in her hands as though she was examining an 1000 year old egg.

“You actually have very good skin for your age and you only have some areas of sun damage. We can easily fix that with a few zaps from our IPL laser or use the M123DF.”

Or did she say the IRS, or FTS or the MiG-21? I can’t remember but it did make me wonder if this is where Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction ended up. In her office.

Pretty good skin for my age. I clung to those words and was feeling smug for, oh I don’t know, about a second.

She handed me a guilt edged mirror and in an earnest tone said, “Can you look at your face in the mirror for me?”

I was about to do the usual mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest……. when I suddenly caught my reflection.

I recoiled in horror. What the hell …… so not a pleasant sight.

Do you think people use mirrors for their own mischievous purposes? We all know Estee Lauder uses a soft focus mirror for its products so that you always look 25. Is it possible that dermatologists have mirrors that make you look 105?

For my sake, please say it is definitely so …

The Doctor, expressionless and immobile, got a little agitated. “Look in the mirror again. No, no, don’t close your eyes like that; it accentuates your crow’s feet. Do you see how your temples go in here and your cheekbones jut out there?”

What? I now need spandex for my cheekbones? Aren’t jutting cheekbones a thing of beauty? Didn’t I starve in my twenties for prominent cheekbones?

I was scared what was coming next.

“Well that’s because your face is losing fat and dropping. Your temples have lost weight (thank god for small wins I say!) so your cheekbones are more exposed causing a sharpness of curve and the fat to drop so your face looks long and narrow with a rather square jaw line. Do you see?”

I looked down at my feet. “Yes Doctor, I see the fat pooling around my ankles”.

“Well it might make it there one day but at the moment your cheeks are now jowls. Don’t worry, I have just the thing to fix that.”

As I knew she would. She has an arsenal of weapons at her fingertips. I hope someone from the AFP is reading this. Email me. I will give you names, numbers, everything.

“What I can do is use injectables, a lot of injectables actually, to fill in here, there and oh let’s just say, everywhere” she shrieked excitedly. Tracing her dancing fingertips around my face she waxed lyrical about the results she could achieve. For me or her, I was not quite sure.

“We will plump this up here, lift this to where it used to be and hide that under there. What do you think?”

What do I think? It is no wonder people end up at plastic surgeons taking the easy way out and just getting the excess bits cut off with a chainsaw.

“Injectables? It sounds like it would be easier if I stood against the wall and you threw poison darts at me. How’s your aim?”

She ignored me as if my views did not matter anyway and pressed on.

“Of course, it is quite expensive”, she said looking out the window and no doubt thinking about the yacht she has moored in the Bahamas. 

“It’s about $1200 a section and we… well we would have to do a lot of sections”.

I must have frowned. Very. Deeply.

“Oh my”, she cooed, while pointing and staring. “That is an extremely large frown line you have there.”

It is indeed.

“Can you give me the biggest frown you can please?”

I thought I had but I tried a little harder.

“Oh my, that is really something, best I have ever seen”, she said shaking her head from side to side.

Did I just see her rub her hands together like an excited child about to open Christmas presents? ….No way.

“I could fix that you know…..in a few moments with Botox or Dysport”.

“Dysport?” I queried

“It’s a Botox alternative and just a little cheaper”, she said.

Oh, so now Botox has a home brand? My prediction is that Woolworths will  have an off the shelf version in its stores within the year.

“However”, she warned, “the only consideration is that you will need more Botox than the average person.”

Suddenly I could feel my face starting to burn. Red hot.

“Oh”, she gasped, “did you know you are quite highly coloured as well? I could get rid of the nasty red blotches quite easily with….”

“No, no, doctor it’s really OK. I just need some fresh air. It is quite warm in here. The hot air is overwhelming. I will think about everything you have said. However, I need to go as I have something urgent to do.”

I quickly left the office and started fumbling through my bag to find my trusty Estee Lauder mirror. I had to do an urgent stock take of the damage to my psyche.

Thank goodness. 

I immediately saw the same familiar face looking back at me. Phew, it must have been the bad lighting in her office. I am as I always was. 25 again.

She had me worried for a while…...and with that I put my big black sunglasses on, tossed my jowls over my shoulder and walked off into the sunshine. 


Hot Topicsnext week's post focuses on Sexism. Why is the subject so topical at the moment? Plus another exciting Giveaway for Aussie readers on Sunday.

Tell me, how do you wear your jowls? I am joking....

48 comments:

  1. Do you do Halloween in OZ? Because it sounds like you are all ready for it - just kidding.
    Tossed your jowls over your shoulder - good one. I think your finding that the lighting (was the mirror lighted?) was harsh in her office makes sense to me. Great humour!

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    1. Ha ha Bill, too right I am ready. Yes more and more Australians are getting into Halloween actually. I don't want to scare the poor kids though. Glad you had a laugh. I don't take anything too seriously really, lol.

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  2. " tossed my jowls over my shoulder " LOLOLOLOL!!

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    1. glad you had a laugh Betty - we need it!

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  3. I have appointments with the dermatologist twice a year. He's so busy burning off skin tags and "spots", he doesn't have time to take a critical look at my face :-)

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    1. Yes, maintenance is over rated hey? LOL.

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  4. Dear Lilly,
    She was disgusting. Talk about trying to fill you full of fear and insecurity by manipulating your emotions so she could make lots of money!

    Disgraceful.

    I bet she does that to everyone who comes in, and feels quite smug about how 'successful' her practice is, never mind that most people didn't need ANY of the things she was pushing on them!

    Makes me very angry on your behalf.

    Going to a dermatologist if you are concerned about sun damage / worried about any malignancies just takes a few minutes with a light they shine over your face. For about $100 dollars and not thousands!

    ((hugs)) ignore her and please don't go back there.

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    1. Yes she is botoxed up to the eyeballs so it was easy for her to keep a straight face anyway. Yes she was pedalling her wares that is for sure. She was also wearing top to toe Chanel. It made me laugh though more than get upset about it. I am middleaged I get it and I don't want to look 25 again, well most days anyway. Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it Jo-Dee.

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  5. Isn't there a saying about aging gracefully and accepting what the almighty gave? Docs love to play and chip away at that self-confidence.

    For us blokes, we don't care if the paunch is growing, the lack of hair up top or that pecs are now called man boobs!

    :)

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    1. I know I wish we were more like males in that department. Pecs are now called man boobs, funny YW, you always make me laugh.

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  6. I read the post despite your order for under 40s to turn away and was laughing all the way through! I honestly think they make things exaggerated to make you look older in order to profit. Just like how department stores have brighter lighting to make things look better, skin care places probably want you to look worse so you will get their products including botox. Love your humour Lilly!

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    1. Thank you PB. Now I don't mind you reading this because it is going to make you appreciate your 20 something years. It is funny but the good thing is the older you get things really don't worry you as much. I knew what she was doing and that's ok too. If I wanted to look 20 something she showed me there are ways and means to do that. Being healthy is all that matters really, the rest is window dressing. Thanks for coming and reading.

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  7. The blessing in all of this is that you do not have skin cancer, my pretty.

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    1. Oh yes, I have had trouble in that area too but it always could be worse Helen. Thanks for stopping by you gorgoeus lady.

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  8. Lilly, I think the doctor gets frightened of some of our faces here, and so doesnt see them and even dare suggest all these anti-frown anti-jowl things. (Though Page 3 types are known to drastically alter the anatomy at the drop of whatever).

    Yes folks in department stores do have lighting that makes stuff look good, but we still have saree shops where we see through all the artificial lighting and insist on carrying the silk sarees out of the door into the sun (accompanied by the sales person), just to see how it looks under an open sky; and we wildly reject it if it looks shiny. I think your skin doctor needs to make a urgent trip here.

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    1. No I need to make an urgent trip there. So you have Page 3 types there as well in Mumbai? Told you the world is a very small place isn't it? I would love to see your sarees I bet they are beautiful.

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  9. OH. My. GOD. you are hilarious. Just hilarious. why aren't you writing anywhere else more people can read. That sums up what we face on a daily basis and we need to be like men and not give a shit.

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    1. Yes, look at YW's comment - Why do we care so much?

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  10. LOL, LOL...This Is Hilarious, my dear Lilly...! If I were you, I would change Skin Doctors. She just seems too anxious to use all of her Injectables at $1,200 a Pop! It is a long time since I've been to the Dermatologist...but I do not remember him EVER discussing all of these imperfections with me and how to solve them. Maybe it was Waaaay before Botox became so popular....! I'm willing to bet your Este Lauder Mirror is truer to you than the Skin Doctors Mirror! This Post did give me a good laugh, my dear!

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    1. Thanks Naomi, glad it made you smile. Made me laugh writing it, it was so ridiculous. Botox is popular alright and now a lot of males are using it too. Although they have also discovered it is fantastic for use in all sorts of medical conditions too so that is really goo.

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  11. Lilly, you have a rare gift for being able to laugh at yourself and at the world around you. Keep it up; you are making the rest of the world laugh with you.

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    1. Aww that is so special coming from you. Thank you. If you didn't see the funny side of life then it would become all a bit of a chore.

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  12. Alas it's all too late for me. Am considering converting to Islam

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    1. Heeeeeeeeeeeeee Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I so LOVE you Barbara.Never thought of that idea!

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    2. That is hilarious. A burka no less.

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  13. This is really very funny- thanks for making my day.

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  14. This was so hilarious! I'm going to see a dermatologist when I get back too. My daughter and granddaughter were taking photos of me one night without make-up and from a horrible angle with their iPad. When I saw the photos later, I nearly screamed in horror. While they were not looking, I erased them ALL! Good grief! OK... I'm going to put my make-up on now.

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    1. Thank you Kay. You make me laugh. Yes and why is it or kids try and get a picture of us without our face on I wonder. Mmmm to pay us back for the shots we have of them no doubt. Glad you got to delete them too.

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  15. ooh not a very pleasant visit!

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    1. Um no, not really but it gave me a lot of laughs anyway.

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  16. This was truly funny, love that you can take the micky out of yourself like you do. Makes us all feel better ourselves too, we are not alone, lol

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    1. I no, I just like to get in first before anyone can do it for me.

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  17. Very funny story.

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    1. Thanks Celia, things just happen like that, well they do to me anyway, lol

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  18. There are no words but Bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, laughing with you not at you of course, he he he he

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    1. Yeah sure Brian, I bet you are, lol.

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  19. This is pure gold my friend, should be on the front page of all newspapers.
    You are a brilliant visual writer Lilly.
    I have just made a mental note NOT to visit one of these doctors.
    Much love
    Peggy ♥♥♥♥

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    1. Thanks Peggy. You are always so positive and supportive to me. I really do appreciate it. And no, some of them are best avoided that is for sure.

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  20. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. That is, as long as it was happening to someone else (like you) and not to me.

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    1. I am willing to be laughed at and mocked Margy as long as I am doing it myself. That is why I steer clear of psychologists and their ilk - imagine what kind of post I could write then....

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  21. Lilly, the world would be a much poorer place without your blog.

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    1. Why Michael that is a very kind comment - and back at you.

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  22. This frightening ha ha. how funny are you I could picture everythng that happened as it was happening. Made my day even if it didnt make yours Lilly.

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  23. I felt exactly like this today. And i am only 34.

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  24. This is such a funny read, well done for making me laugh cos it aint easy.

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  25. Very very funny!
    I read this and thought yup "so your face looks long and narrow with a rather square jaw line"
    It's all Face Time's fault have you seen yourself on that screen - terrifying!

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    1. Thank you so much Tabitha for dropping by and YES Face Time is terrifying!

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Thanks for your comments.