Have you checked your Google Analytics lately to find the search terms people use in order to land on your blog?
I promise it will leave you shaking your head, laughing hysterically and hoping like hell that a good percentage of the people searching on Google are doing so from behind prison bars.
Every now and then I look at the questions people ask Google and respond to the G rated ones on my blog. I look upon it as some kind of civic service because these people will never get answers to their questions otherwise. I have previously answered past questions, here and here .
So here are the latest questions,
How do I stop letting myself go?
Go to your nearest hardware store and buy a couple of metres of polyethylene rope. Then find a secure pole somewhere in your yard and tie yourself to it. It works best if you use a double or even a triple loop knot to secure yourself. Believe me, you won’t be able to let yourself GO anywhere.
How do I age gracefully and not be cynical and judgemental?
You really up against it. Its impossible really. Besides, cynicism is just another name for experience. The fact is, there is no graceful way to go down the banister of life because on the way down our asses collect a lot of splinters. Who wouldn’t be cynical and judgemental after that painful ride. Just be careful on the slide down though as you could fall in a heap at the bottom of the stairs if you aren't looking where you are going.
How do I cut out my mother in law?
IT'S S.I.M.P.L.E. Aren't they teaching anything practical at schools anymore?
1. Get a pair of scissors.
2. Find all your family pictures.
3. Cut your mother in law out of every one.
4. Put her pictures in the freezer and keep her on ice for as long as you need.
There, she is out of your life.
They essentially dislike you. Or they are testing your friendship. Friends don't lie. Go tell them their breath stinks and see how far you get
Why is my English mother in law so mean to me?
It could be a myriad of reasons - You are a Nigerian scammer, You are French. You are Scottish, You are Irish, You are Welsh and .......You are more than likely sitting in prison googling all day trying to get my attention.
What can you get your parents arrested for?
Bringing ungrateful little sods like you into the world. Now get back to your homework and stop wasting my time
How to make Lilly in plastic icing?
I am honoured you would want to replicate me to sit on top of your cake or other sugary delight. Here goes then. Get yourself some icing from the supermarket. Roll two balls. One small and one large. Place them on top of one another. Shape some glorious locks. Paint them yellow. There you have it. Lilly in icing. The likeness is uncanny...and you wonder how I could be single....
How to put your leg behind your head in minutes?
I think you need to find a different website. I believe Kim Kardashian knows how to do that party trick. Or maybe this 1940s video would help - wait till the end though that's when it starts getting head over heels interesting.
What would you look like if your knees were bent the other way?
A right dickhead. Seriously.
How to get Lilly's nude photos on her blog
Bwah…blushing.....it was only a matter of time really. Lilly in all her glory. While I was a little taken aback by your request, I have to be mature about this and try and become a blogger for all readers, not just for the same old conservative few. So in order to keep my readers from San Quentin happy, I will now unveil the first picture of Naked Lilly ever on this blog.
|Naked Lady Lilly|
Oh, that same nosey someone just pointed out to me that you may have been referring to naked pictures of me not of the flower variety. Not so stunning. Really, really awkward.....moving rapidly along then....in answer to your question then 1 billion dollars should do it nicely (wink, wink).
How to get a dosage of neurotoxins?
Neuro toxins….let me see. Dig a hole in the ground, bury your head for 12 hours and you should get what you need to last you a good 6 months (and at least it will get you off the Internet and away from asking stupid questions for a good day or so).
Can I get pictures of pretty middle aged women in glasses?
No. You can’t. Pretty and middle aged are mutually exclusive terms once you hit 40. Just ask everyone under 25. I can get you middle aged and glasses though, no problems at all.
Apparently that wasn’t an acceptable answer, why?
Because that wasn’t an acceptable question. Come back when you have something intelligent to say.
How to tell your mum you got arrested at 15?
Well if you are still 15 it is probably better to do it now rather than later because she has probably already cooked your dinner and will notice your absence at the dinner table. However, if you are older, and it happened in the past you owe her nothing. Simply because if she didn’t realise that you were in gaol and missing from the family home when you were 15, then she is really not that into you or what you get up to in your spare time.
How much is your dead body worth?
It depends on whether I’m still wearing my Christian Laboutin alligator pumps, Rolex, diamond tiara, Prada sunglasses, gold inlay teeth and my credit card.
If you are reading this then you are blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you
Oh, s-c-a-r-y. I can see perfectly well what is creeping up behind me you idiot. OLD AGE is creeping up on me, and there is nothing blissful about it!