Sunday, 30 September 2012

Google Fails


Have you checked your Google Analytics lately to find the search terms people use in order to land on your blog?

I promise it will leave you shaking your head, laughing hysterically and hoping like hell that a good percentage of the people searching on Google are doing so from behind prison bars.

Every now and then I look at the questions people ask Google and respond to the G rated ones on my blog. I look upon it as some kind of civic service because these people will never get answers to their questions otherwise. I have previously answered past questions, here and here .

So here are the latest questions,

How do I stop letting myself go?

Go to your nearest hardware store and buy a couple of metres of polyethylene rope. Then find a secure pole somewhere in your yard and tie yourself to it. It works best if you use a double or even a triple loop knot to secure yourself. Believe me, you won’t be able to let yourself GO anywhere.

How do I age gracefully and not be cynical and judgemental?

You really up against it. Its impossible really.  Besides, cynicism is just another name for experience. The fact is, there is no graceful way to go down the banister of life because on the way down our asses collect a lot of splinters. Who wouldn’t be cynical and judgemental after that painful ride. Just be careful on the slide down though as you could fall in a heap at the bottom of the stairs if you aren't looking where you are going.

How do I cut out my mother in law?

IT'S S.I.M.P.L.E. Aren't they teaching anything practical at schools anymore?

1. Get a pair of scissors.
2. Find all your family pictures.
3. Cut your mother in law out of every one.
4. Put her pictures in the freezer and keep her on ice for as long as you need.

There, she is out of your life.





 
 
Why do only people with bad breath want to tell me their secrets?

They essentially dislike you. Or they are testing your friendship. Friends don't lie. Go tell them their breath stinks and see how far you get

Why is my English mother in law so mean to me?

It could be a myriad of reasons - You are a Nigerian scammer, You are French. You are Scottish, You are Irish, You are Welsh and .......You are more than likely sitting in prison googling all day trying to get my attention.

What can you get your parents arrested for?

Bringing ungrateful little sods like you into the world. Now get back to your homework and stop wasting my time

How to make Lilly in plastic icing?

I am honoured you would want to replicate me to sit on top of your cake or other sugary delight. Here goes then. Get yourself some icing from the supermarket. Roll two balls. One small and one large. Place them on top of one another. Shape some glorious locks. Paint them yellow.  There you have it. Lilly in icing. The likeness is uncanny...and you wonder how I could be single.... 



Oh, um……someone just pointed out to me that you may have been referring to the flower variety of Lilly…and not me…...that is really rather awkward then. Moving right along  …..

How to put your leg behind your head in minutes?

I think you need to find a different website. I believe Kim Kardashian knows how to do that party trick. Or maybe this 1940s video would help - wait till the end though that's when it starts getting head over heels interesting.





 
What would you look like if your knees were bent the other way?

A right dickhead. Seriously.

How to get Lilly's nude photos on her blog

Bwah…blushing.....it was only a matter of time really. Lilly in all her glory. While I was a little taken aback by your request, I have to be mature about this and try and become a blogger for all readers, not just for the same old conservative few. So in order to keep my readers from San Quentin happy, I will now unveil the first picture of Naked Lilly ever on this blog.















Naked Lady Lilly
Stunning.

Oh, that same nosey someone just pointed out to me that you may have been referring to naked pictures of me not of the flower variety. Not so stunning. Really, really awkward.....moving rapidly along then....in answer to your question then 1 billion dollars should do it nicely (wink, wink). 


How to get a dosage of neurotoxins?

Neuro toxins….let me see.  Dig a hole in the ground, bury your head for 12 hours and you should get what you need to last you a good 6 months (and at least it will get you off the Internet and away from asking stupid questions for a good day or so).

Can I get pictures of pretty middle aged women in glasses?

No. You can’t.  Pretty and middle aged are mutually exclusive terms once you hit 40. Just ask everyone under 25. I can get you middle aged and glasses though, no problems at all.

Apparently that wasn’t an acceptable answer, why?

Because that wasn’t an acceptable question.  Come back when you have something intelligent to say.

How to tell your mum you got arrested at 15?

Well if you are still 15 it is probably better to do it now rather than later because she has probably already cooked your dinner and will notice your absence at the dinner table. However, if you are older, and it happened in the past you owe her nothing. Simply because if she didn’t realise that you were in gaol and missing from the family home when you were 15, then she is really not that into you or what you get up to in your spare time.

How much is your dead body worth?

It depends on whether I’m still wearing my Christian Laboutin alligator pumps, Rolex, diamond tiara, Prada sunglasses, gold inlay teeth and my credit card.

If you are reading this then you are blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you

Oh, s-c-a-r-y. I can see perfectly well what is creeping up behind me you idiot. OLD AGE is creeping up on me, and there is nothing blissful about it!






35 comments:

  1. This was hilarious! I wish my searches were half as fun.

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    1. Thanks Rene, I bet they are you just have to pour through th ethousands or go straight to When, Waat, Where, How, Why lol. You can tell I was having a slow news day.

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  2. Wow! I NEVER get interesting searches :-)

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    1. I bet you do Kathy, Analytics seems to store everything - scary really how much info it has about who accesses sites.

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  3. Haha...that's hilarious! I don't get such funny ones sadly.

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    1. I cannot be the only one who gets funny search terms, surely. Glad you laughed, you need it being on the 12 week challenge.

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  4. Bwahhhhhhhhhhh. So funny, I love this when you do these. Naked Lilly picture, he he he he. It never ceases to amaze me how silly people are - kneecaps backwards. Who would ever think these things. I think you should do another post with the X rated ones, I can only imagine. Have a great weekend.

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    1. Oh no if I print the X rated ones then that only encourages more searches with those particular terms. I am old too much excitement like that would kill me, lol.

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  5. Funny questions. That's some video Lilly!

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    1. Yes 1940s as well. Wonder what happened to those sisters, bet they had arthiritis in their old age.

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  6. Hilarious. A psychologist would have a field day looking at all the search terms I think.

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    1. And me for answering them come to think of it. Small things make me smile..

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  7. This is amazing! I haven't checked the Google Analytics but I've seen the Blogspot search stuff and the one question people ask that gets them sent to my blog is "How to get pen ink off of leather? One of the most popular searches is Hawaii 5-0. They must be disappointed since I just wrote about the papaya on the show. Ah well. I'll bet once they got onto your blog, Lilly, they never left!

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    1. How do you get pen ink off leather Kay? I might have to ask google the same question. I assume the answer may be on your blog is it?

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    2. Yes, it's on my blog. The trick I learned was to use Purell Hand Sanitizer. It's the weirdest thing. You have to be careful using it but it worked on my leather Stressless chairs.

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  8. I just found another great question today, "Is it alright to marry your grandfather's wife? !!??

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  9. Lilly thank-you for making my Saturday so much brighter that was freaking hilarious. Hope all is well and I need now go ask google an important question...lol.

    Cheers,
    JB

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    1. Aww, that is sweet JB. Yes, google a question and see if it pops up on my analytics, lol the secret to that is you need to make it as weird as you can, lol.

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  10. Ha-ha. Your answers are great. Nothing like a little dry wit!

    Those gals in the video could teach the contortionists in Cirque du Soileil a thing or two - yowsa.

    Happy weekend to you, Lilly:)

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    1. Thanks Jo Dee. Happy Weekend to you too!

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  11. Oh, Lilly. You never fail to entertain. So hilarious indeed. I was totally awed by those 3 women's acrobatic skills. They must not have hard bones in their bodies.

    You have a great weekend as well.

    Tasha

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    1. Thanks Tasha, glad it made you smile. And those young girls in that video made me cringe ....how I wonder, lol

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  12. Loved the icing one and the naked lily. Hilarious stuff there. I haven't looked at mine for fear of what I might find!

    (Quick side note... just posted about the gender reveal party :)

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    1. Oh yipee, you are having a party? What about your blogging friends who do not live near New Orleans?

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  13. Brilliantly Hilarious, Lilly...!! This is a gem of a post! You are so very very funny and wonderfully clever....! Thanks for the best laugh-of-the-day, my dear...!

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    1. Aww thanks Naomi. A bit of silly nonsense to laugh about. Takes our minds off the real stuff we have to deal with sometimes. Much love to you x

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  14. Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!
    You rock, Lilly. Thank you for being you/

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    1. Gee thanks Can-Can, I think...lol

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  15. Superb, as always, Lilly. Now - about those nude photographs...

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    1. Oh right thought that search came from old Edinburgh.....

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  16. It is quite scary thinking that these are only the tamer queries put to google. I would hate to see the full list. It bares not thinking about what goes through people's minds at times. Loved your answers though, very funny.

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    1. No helen you would not want to see the full list. In fact, strangely, there are lots of queries for images of Condeleeza (sp?) Rice and Hilary Clinton in odd positions other than behind their political desks. Strange, very strange.

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  17. Hilarious! I have no clue how to use google analytics. I'm still learning :)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Claudia. Oh you must it is great to look at the stats and when you need a lugh to look at the search terms. I know, small things amuse me...

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  18. Oh my this is flipping hilarious. It so is.

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Thanks for your comments.