An Earthquake rumbled through my hometown last night (no-one was hurt and there was no major damage I believe) but I missed all the excitement as I am visiting family ‘up north’.
Can you believe this is what Winter looks like in Queensland, Australia?
I've been lazing around in the sun enjoying the views and getting some much needed doses of Vitamin D.
As I was short of reading material today, Mum gave me one of her magazines called Life Choices, fun for people in their 50s, 60s and beyond. How depressing. Sandwiched in between a recipe for Lamb rissoles and a tax advice column was an article called, How to stop your husband leering at younger women. Truly, what fun!
Then my cousin gave me the book, Fifty Shades of Grey. She told me it was the fastest selling paperback of all time (take that Harry Potter) and that it is now being made into a film. She swore that I would read it in one sitting and rush out and buy the other two books in the series just like she and all her friends had done.
OH. MY. GOD.
SHE. WAS. RIGHT.
Just not for the reasons she thought though.
The book was truly DREADFUL. So dreadful in fact that I kept reading it wondering when I would get to the 'best bits'.
Am I alone in wondering how this book could be an international best seller? For those of you who haven't read it I will give you a brief summary of the critical bits.
The plot traces the relationship between recent college graduate Anastasia Steele and manipulative billionaire Christian Grey.
Ana has an extremely impressive vocabulary. She says "Jeez" 181 times and "Oh my" 172 times. She also suffers from an unfortunate case of Rosacea it seems, as she "blushes" or "flushes" 125 times. Her rosy hue is so intense that it is described as "scarlet" 13 times, "crimson" 8 times, and most patriotically on one occasion as "stars and stripes red".
She "peeks up", through fluttering eyelashes at Christian no less than 33 times and his "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times. She thinks he is "so freaking hot" that she mentions 28 times just how "hot" he is. He clearly has a couple of physical issues which bother her slightly as she tell us 12 times he has "hooded eyes," and 11 times that he has a "long index finger".
Ana and Christian never seem to just talk. They "murmur" 199 times, "mutter" 49 times, and "whisper" 195 times. Then they "clamber" on, in and out of things 41 times. They "smirk" 34 times, "gasp" 46 times and unfortunately experience 18 "breath hitches" which somehow does not result in a 911 call.
Finally, in an effort to keep a sense of harmonious or aesthetically pleasing proportionality and balance, Ana and Christian exchange exactly 124 "grins" and 124 "frowns"...keeping us all happy. Although, between you and me, I am not sure that Ana would really be doing that much frowning given she experiences such "intense," "body-shattering," "delicious," "violent," "all-consuming," "turbulent," "agonising" and "exhausting" orgasms on just about every page of the book.
That's it. Oh, you wanted to know the plot? Sorry, but I could not get past the repetitive language.....
However, I did learn a few things lying out in the sun. First, that erotic fiction is apparently soaring in popularity with females of all ages. Second, that writing crappy erotic fiction can make you billions (I know how to write crap maybe this is a direction I could pursue, lol). And third, that there are apparently surefire ways to stop men leering at younger women. Who knew?
However, I think the biggest lesson of all was that staying out in the sun counting words for no apparent reason can also cause you to feel really freaking hot and go Fifty Shades of Sunburn.
Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? Why do you think the books are so popular?
The Author, E. L. James, has a theory that it's because her books provide women with a 'holiday from their husbands' and gives them "an escape from their own boring sex lives".