Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the Midday Sun

Dear Mr English Tourist

I was kind of enjoying lunch on Friday when you are your French dining companion came to sit at the table right

on topnext to us.

And I really want to tell you something that I was too gutless to tell you then. You really, really annoyed the hell out of me.

I'm sure it was not lost on you that when you dine in one of those tiny chic cafes, often so small and cramped that it hurts to breathe, everyone can hear each other’s conversations. Therefore, the concept of being seen and not exactly overheard is front and centre in most diner's minds. Comprenez-vous?

I'm also guessing that it was not entirely lost on you that the tiny chic café you were sitting in was in Australia not downtown Birmingham and therefore it was full of people with that "bloody awful accent" you said you absolutely detest. Or did your actual whereabouts escape your notice somewhere between jumping on that plane at Heathrow, taking that long 24 hour crazy making flight and landing at an international airport that says, G’day and Welcome to Australia?

I nearly lost it when you started analysing the Australian psyche with that gawd awful attempt at an Aussie accent. In fact I came close to standing up and throwing my bowl of salad leaves over your head. As a side note I restrained myself only because I was actually pretty shocked that I could be charged $16.95 for a bowl of green grass masquerading as a Moroccan salad and didn't want to waste money.

After your long and loud take on the country you then summed us up by calling us Lazy.

"AUSTRALIANS ARE LAZY", you said to your lady friend.
And you said it with such confidence and authority that I had this mental picture of you carrying out extensive research on the precise degree of idleness and resistance to hard work exhibited by every one of the country’s 20 million residents.

I was offended and let me tell you, we are a land of very thick …..skinned people.

Could I get away with saying the English are complete tossers just because you're one? Err, no, not in public anyway.

I could be immature and disappoint my readers and take this to a new level of tit for tat throwing out a few insults about your countrymen and their decaying interest in their historical past. However, these would be generalisations based more than likely on my singular experience with the English and totally unfair to English men and women as a whole.

What a lazy old day it was! I walked 4km into the city to have that lunch after being up half the night completing a project. I exerted myself in that hot 90% humidity so that by the time I reached my destination some 46 minutes and 43 seconds later, my luxurious straightened locks looked like an unfortunate frizz ball. Not only that but the sweat patches I was now wearing resulted in my outfit having a very unfashionable tie dyed look which created enormous embarrassment for me in what is our nation’s fashion capital. My only saving grace was that it was hard to tell if my face was flushed with embarrassment because of the rather unfortunate case of sunburn I was now sporting.

I then ordered an expensive lunch of - who knew? - assorted green grass that you wouldn’t even feed to any self respecting cow. And then like an unwanted foreign side dish I never ordered, you commenced your running negative commentary at the top of your voice on why you, as the world's unappointed spokesperson, disliked Australia and Australians. Worse still, my dining companion, being a foreigner himself, seemed to be more intrigued in your conversation than our own just to see how far you would actually take it before someone decked you.

So, while I can accept that some of us might be disposed to being somewhat stupid with a tendency to over embellish, and overheat in the midday sun, we are NOT LAZY!

We are the lucky country not the lazy country. Just ask Oprah!

Let's hope the sharks, the red back spiders and crocodiles don’t bite you on the backside on the way out and really give you something to complain about for the next fifty years. Because let me tell you there are some Aussies creatures whose bite is far worse than their bark!

Toodles

Lilly x

PS. And if any of you ever hear an Australian dissing your country and its people while visiting your country you have my permission to defend yourselves…with whatever you can muster at the time….hopefully a better salad then I had to defend myself with…...that’s all I am saying…..show's over, on your way now....