Looked at my Google Analytics that is.
It makes me laugh.
I like looking at the key words and questions people type into Google which leads them to my blog.
Now I’ve told you this before. My most popular searches other than my blog name are, how to have sex on a motorcycle, how to making icing lillys and how to forgive and forget. Clearly there are a whole lot of people across the world asking Google how to forgive their cheating partners who were off doing fancy acrobatics on their motor bikes with someone else while they were home baking cupcakes.
As a blogger, I do feel some responsibility to help the people of the Internet try and find answers to their most pressing questions. I mean Google has sure helped me. And besides, it’s Friday and time to have a little fun.
Here is a pic of yours truly taken moments ago. Shock, horror! I am looking awfully surprised right? That's because there were a few things I read in Analytics that shocked my sensitive soul and would no doubt scare away some of my equally sensitive readers if I repeated them here. In fact it's pretty safe to say there are some scary people out there in internetland and I am not really sure that letting hard core prisoners have internet access is such a good idea. But, I will share a few of the more palatable and funnier search questions.
By the way, before you even ask why I look like a deer in headlights, here is a litle tip I am willing to share as long as you keep it to yourselves. I've discovered that if I keep my eyebrows raised, stare straight ahead, turn my head on an angle and adopt a stupid grin it’s exactly the same effect as having had multiple jabs of Botox (but way cheaper).
I know you will thank me for that little pearl but hey thats what we bloggers do for one another. No comments please about the orange looking hair or the pink liptsick that decidedly clashes, that's a whole other story about a home dye job gone wrong and one that can wait (orange and hot pink are my favourite decorator colours of the moment, it's just that I really do not fancy them on my head).And please before I get on with answering the 'googler questions', can you do something for me? Anyone with Google Analytics - please go check your key words and let me know the funniest thing you can find. There will be a prize for the funniest search terms.
1. How can Madonna see someone so much younger?
Because she now wears bi-focals.
2. What can you say about your mother?Not a great deal, she reads my blog. I will say this much though, Моя мать - самая замечательная женщина в целом широком мире. Она шикарна, умна и добра.
3. What is a tweep?If you send a message on twitter you tweep. Or alternatively, it’s an expression of incredible angst that Lilly uses when reading stupid questions from twats.
4. Do you ever say God I’m hot?Hell yes - all the time. It’s the confidence that comes with middle-age I think. It usually happens in the middle of the night when I am in the throes of what I think is called 'a night sweat'. Yeah middle-age....nothing like it! We middle-aged women are all HOT!
5. Can you get arrested for taking a bath with your grandchildren?This is a disturbing question. The fact you have to ask this question of Google, means YES YOU CAN! AND SOON!
6. Can your parents get you arrested for being too fat?It all depends on who has the control of the fridge, you or them. Rest assured, your parents are to blame for everything wrong in your life. That’s just the way God made the world. It's the same for all of us and has kept many a psychiatrist in their fancy hill top mansions. Chill out. Just nowhere near the fridge if you wouldn't mind.
7. Why is George Clooney not hot anymore?He’s a cold case, that’s why.
8. George and lily marry in las vegasDamn George, this ain’t Hollywood. All your dreams don’t come true. An Oscar is about all you can hope to get at this point.
9. Do I have to be comfortable to be arrested?Well, personally I always like to slip into something more comfortable before the police knock on my door and drag me away. I also have a bag packed for moments just like this. That way I can change in the back of the police car if needs be. Problem is they are wont to make you put on the ugly prison wardrobe. It scratches like hell and unfortunately is not the least bit comfortable. I hope you can, at least, take some comfort from my experiences. Crime pays but is very uncomfortable.
10. Is love blind?And deaf, dumb and stupid too. Oh yes....and still it doesn't stop us.....
11. How do I get a hairless body style?This is tricky and depends on how hirsute you happen to be. Are you going for the total body Brazillian? If so, I suggest you have a bath in a hot tub of boiling wax. That should do the trick. The pain will be worth the silky smoothness of your skin. As they say, no pain, no gain. And the red burnt look fades eventually....trust me on that one.
12. Help, I met my soul mate and he’s 30 years younger than me.Madonna, stop bragging, I am busy helping those who really need it.
13. How do I find Brad Pitt’s schedule?I guess, like me, you would find Brad's schedule particulary exhausting. All those kids, films, premieres, planes, boats, papparazzi etc. Oh, I see, you don't mean that? You want to know how to stalk Brad from day to day? I guess you could ask Angie or hang out at airports, anywhere, or childcare centres. And for the record… I really truly, deeply, hope and pray to every single god, goddess, deity, clothing manufacturer – Buddhist and otherwise – that Brad & Angie never ever ever break-up, and that they adopt me NEXT.
14. How do I look beautiful in 2 weeks?If I could answer that I would be a millionaire. I will tell you what works for me. Put on the largest pair of sunglasses that you can find and whatever you do don’t take them off. Oh, and raise your eyebrows and stare with a stupid grin on your face. It will get you attention even if not the right kind. There comes a point in a girl's life where any attention is good enough.
15. I have lied about my age, what should I do?The world already knows Madonna, you clearly do not read News of the World.
16. I love him but he doesn’t know he loves me too.I told you Madonna I have real people with real problems who need my help. We get it, everyone is in love with you. You are special, now go away.
17. Is Lilly’s head really bald?
Why would you say something like that? What the hell makes you think that? To set the record straight, I have a full head of now orange looking hair and let me tell you that's way worse than being bald.
18. Lilly, I’ve been thinking.Congratulations, that’s encouraging. I’ll be waiting...and when that first thought pops into your head.......let me know. Don't think I'll be holding my breath waiting somehow.
19. Why do Australians never sound Australian when they blog?Fair dinkum, this is the weirdest question I have ever heard. Once an Aussie blogger camped by a billabong with Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and Cate Blanchett. And they ate kangaroo and drank a few cans of Fosters before joining raucously in a chorus of Waltzing Matilda. There, does that sound Aussie enough for you mate? We write in English, and just have an Australian accent.
20. Can I forgive boyfriend for cocaine addiction and multiple
sex partners?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo! Let me repeat that N.O.
21. Is everyone lying when they say lemon juice gets rid of freckles?You betcha, they are. I see you read that Nicole Kidman interview in Vanity Fair too. It’s a lemon alright. Listen up. Two words for you. Plastic Surgeon.
22. How can I find some jokes about menopause?If you value your life, don't even go there.....there’s nothing freaking funny about it and yes, that’s a knife in my hand. A Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan) type of knife.
23. How do I get a well trained husband?Apart from a several month secondment to a zoo, I suggest paying careful attention to his mother, preferably before you make any commitment. It is my belief that mothers train their sons on how to treat women. Otherwise, if all else fails, hire Cesar Millan (famous dog trainer).
Phew! And if you made it all the way to the end, have a great weekend and don’t forget to read your Google Analytics. It will make you feel better about your own life even though you may despair moreso for the world at large.