Put some boom into the doom and gloom

Yes, who knew that my poetry skills were so well developed? I call it my 'oom-ph poetry'. I could go on and on but I don't have all day to wax lyrical and besides, I ran out of words ending in 'oom'.


Today I went to see my friend Gail about a wheelchair (fine, if you must know I needed more accessories to go with the wig).

It wasn't the only reason. I needed an intervention.

I'm turning into a cynical bitch. Okay, more of one than I already was.

It's been creeping up on me of late. I knew Gail would set me straight. If she starts a new world order, I'm first in line to follow join (can't use that particular 'f' word in bloggersville at the moment it's a little sensitive).

Gail was born with a disability. She spent her first few years in hospital. When she came home she wore calipers. She is grateful her parents allowed her the freedom to fail. She would fall over, pick herself up, dust herself off and start over again. When she was 31 she was in a car accident. She suffered spinal and head injuries and was in hospital for another lengthy period. She would never walk again and, because of her brain injury, she had to relearn everything she once knew. Her rehabilitation was such a success that she ultimately went on to get her Masters and a Doctorate. Just like that.

She used to be a Nun. I find it very hard picturing this part of her life. She uses the f word (no, not f for follower the other one) when she speaks passionately about trying to right the wrongs in the world. She is a tireless worker for the rights of people with disabilities, and encourages everyone to focus on the person not their disabilities. I've learnt a lot. When I'm with her I feel it's as close to God as I will get (no, I didn't have mushrooms for dinner). It's truly how I feel. She oozes pure goodness.

Gail is a people magnet. A Pied Piper. Where she goes people follow stalk her. I went shopping with her. I imagine its like shopping with one of the royal family. Everyone knows her. People gather. I have never seen shop assistants come out of their hiding places so quickly to help anyone. She seems to know them by name and converses with them about some detail in their lives.

I asked her what kind of pills she takes because I need a handful.

She said, "You don't need a bunch of pills. I can get dispirited at times but I know that whenever there are negatives in my life, there are always a stack of positives too. You just have to look for them. One of the nice things in life and something we all should aim to do, is to make people feel important, no matter who they are. Everyday, I make an conscious decision to look and see whose day I can make brighter. I like the line Al Pacino said in a Scent of a Woman, there is no prosthetic for an amputated spirit. So, I like to help mend broken spirits."

Gail's philosophy is that it's up to us to make each other feel special. If you can add a little dignity to someone's life, then you've made a hell of a contribution to the world.

And let me tell you, if you have a dented spirit, go add some dignity to someone else's life. Every day of your life. It's the best dent removal therapy on the market today.

Other News - Now speaking about dignity, having an aim in life and giving a contribution to mankind, I couldn't resist sharing this example of simplicity at its best.

PROBLEM: There was too much spillage in the men’s room urinals at Schiphol Airport (Amsterdam).
SOLUTION: Etch an image of a common housefly near the drain holes of the porcelain urinals

OUTCOME: Spillage has been reduced by 80%. Apparently, the fly improves aim. If a man sees a fly, he aims at it.

Must read posts in the blogosphere:

VillaCap Threadbare on the Gappa blog. Gugich is a brilliant writer who lives in Mumbai. This post will give you an insight about life in the slums devoid of the Hollywood makeover.

We will all be Rooned on the Middle Age Ramblings blog. Peggy is an inspirational writer based in Sydney. This post focuses on how we can deal with the news of economic doom and gloom we are constantly surrounded by. I always love Peggy's music too. I hang out listening to it so often she must think I am stalking her. I'm really just following Peggy.

This could only happen to me

.
I have a company. I do stuff.

Sometimes creative, sometimes corporate.

I can't say more. After reading this you'll know why.

I was asked to do some market research for the Police.

I thought, why not? It's great they care about public perception.

Except, I didn't think it through, did I?

The complictions of doing this job only occurred to me in the middle of the night. In the middle of a nightmare.

Remember 'that incident' with the police? When my mouth and brain were out of sync?

Last night I watched the most blood curdling show on TV (no, not the Oscars, it was a show called Underbelly). It's all about crooked cops and sadistic criminals in Australia in the 70s and 80s. I didn't know that the humble shovel was such a multi-purpose weapon. Hits, chops, cuts, flattens, digs, buries .....

I dreamt that I strolled into the police station to do this job. All corporate and sophisticated. Until I caught sight of a Wanted Poster on the bulletin board. A poster with a heading that read Crazy Woman and with my face plastered all over it. I walked to the front desk trying to cover the offending face with my hair. NO, it couldn't be!!!! It was him!!!! It was the police officer I swore at, sitting there in all his navy blue and shiny glory. He was leaning back in his chair, with his feet on the desk, juggling bullets and chewing gum. He looked up. We locked eyes. A look of recognition slowly crept across his face like a gloomy black shadow. He knew exactly who I was! Was it because I was screaming four letter words, with my mouth wide open and my face contorted.... in all shades of red? I turned to run in circles in my ridiculous, impractical stilettos. He lept up out of his chair, yelled out after me, jumped the counter and chased me down the hall. A gun in one hand and...........a SHOVEL in the other..... I woke up just as the shovel....
Guilty people are always paranoid (remember that).

This job could be uncomfortable. It could ruin my professional credibility if I'm recognised. As the Crazy Woman.

I need to look different.

Maybe if I hold up my folder to my face it could distract them.


Maybe I should try different hair.



Maybe a full disguise. Do you think sunglasses are too much indoors? Seems to work for Mickey Rourke.....


The danger is, that it may make me look more criminal and less consultant.
I'm a walking contradiction....it's tough being me sometimes.

I'm just glad the people that pay me to be intelligent, impartial and professional don't read my blog.

Karma. Maybe. Guilty conscience. Definitely.

Thank God I have given up the evil white stuff.
Sugar, people. It's crazy making.

Now I have to give up police shows. Like Underbelly.
If you ever come across a shovel, don't take your eyes off it. I'm just saying, that's all.
And please, whatever you do, don't call me Crazy....

Not Happy Barbie

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I'm going to be busy over the next few weeks with a big project so I will be mixing up some of my posts with some of my personal favourites that few of you have read. That way, I'll still have time to visit your blogs.

This post was done in March 08. Given Barbie turns 50 in a couple of weeks, I thought this would be a good one to revisit.

Don't underestimate the reach of the Internet, ever.

Barbie googles, it seems, and she is not happy! With me!!

I just got an email from a Barbie confidante pointing out that Barbie was a subject of parody in my blog on two separate occasions ( here) and that perhaps it may be in my interests to make a public apology.

Apparently she is unhappy that the word Barbie has come to be used as a derogatory slang term for a girl or woman who is considered...um.... shallow.

Barbie is litigious happy. I had no idea that just like any star, she has been the subject of numerous controversies and many lawsuits, often involving parody of her and her lifestyle.

The confidante has gone to great lengths to assure me that there is more to Barbie (aka Barbara Millicent Roberts) than meets the eye.

Barbie turns 50 on March 9 and is living it up in the South of France, with Ken (Carson). As you may remember, Barbie and Ken had a tumultuous relationship for years after meeting on a television commercial in 1961 (yes Braja, she was born a teenager).

They split up in 2004 amid rumours that she was more than good friends with Blaine, the Aussie boogie boarder. After spending some quality time apart, Barbie went on to become a presidential candidate, a Canadian Mountie and lived in India (thanks Ugich!). Ken went to the Middle East where he studied Buddism and learnt to cook. He came back wearing cargo pants and a purse. They reconciled in 2006.

There they are on the left with Barbie's sister Kelly (yeah sure!!). Ken, of course, has been reluctant to ever tie the knot which must be painful for Barbie given the number of wedding gowns she has bought over the years. Quite frankly I always thought Ken was gay and I've been waiting a life time for him to come out .....I still cannot get those images of Ken in his hot pink floral Hawaiian shirts out of my head, some 30 odd years after we first met.

Barbie has had varied careers. I thought her career extended to the fact that she was 5' 9", weighed 110lbs, and had the vital statistics of 36/18/33. Or, the fact she uttered some great lines when she finally started talking in 1992 like, "Will we ever have enough clothes?", "I love shopping!", "Wanna have a pizza party?" or "Math class is tough!" Or, that she was banned from making public appearances in middle Eastern countries. What more could there possibly be?

Well it seems Barbie has known the kind of success that only Oprah understands and the rest of us dream about. She was rated No. 43 on the list of 100 most influential people of all time who "never lived". She has been a doctor, astronaut, Nascar driver, American Idol contestant, fashion designer, Olympic figure skater, rock star and on it goes (is it just me or does anyone see some resemblance to Posh Spice here).

She has had over 40 pets including horses, a panda, a lion cub, and a zebra. She has owned a wide range of vehicles, including pink convertibles, trailers and jeeps. She also holds a pilot's license, and operates commercial airliners in addition to serving as a flight attendant.

She is surrounded by a close group of friends - including Hispanic Teresa, Midge, African American Christie and Steven. And she has been feted all over the world by all the top designers.

OK Barbie, I do apologise for thinking you were so incredibly shallow. There is definitely more to you then meets the eye. However, could you do us all a favor and try looking your age? Perhaps less botox, some grey hair, character lines and a tiny bit of a middle aged spread? The world is ready for a very attractive and sexy middle aged Barbie.

Be brave. You could be a trail blazer.....and finally gain some real street cred. They do say 50 is the new 30 after all!

OK own up, which one of you addicted bloggers did this...

The Daily Telegraph has reported the first ever case of someone using the Internet while asleep.

The 44-year-old woman had gone to bed at about 10pm, but got up two hours later, walked to the next room and sat down at her computer. She turned the machine on, connected to the Internet and successfully logged on with her user name and password, before composing three emails and sending them to friends. She only found out what she had done when one of them telephoned the next day to reply to the email and accept the invitation.

The emails themselves were perhaps not up to the woman’s waking standard; each was in a random mix of upper and lower case characters, badly formatted and containing odd expressions. One read: “Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4.pm. Bring wine and caviar only.” Another said simply: “What the…”

Apparently its been dubbed ‘zzz-mailing’. So now we’ve all got an excuse if we hit the send button and then realise we just made a terrible mistake. We can pretend we were asleep. A legitimate defence.

I once shared a group house with a girl who sleep walked. She got out of bed one night, went to the fridge, ate some cheese, tomata sauce, gherkins and icecream (together, cringe) and then went back to bed. She had no recollection of anything. I’ve also heard of people cooking meals, driving cars, climbing bridges or murdering people while still asleep. I am also intrigued about the story of Welsh nurse Lee Hadwin, dubbed ‘Kipasso’, who does amazing paintings while asleep.

Do you know anyone who sleep walks? And what do they do?

Have a great weekend everyone! And if you happen to get a strange email in your inbox - it'll just be someone zzz-mailing you...

Message from your Mother

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Hi there,

Did you see the video about the major tantrum at the airport?

It bought back memories. Of your 'best moments'.

Thank God you got it all out of your system. Eventually.

You were a late developer. You were an angel at two but a maniac at four. My cheeks still burn brightly when I think about your performances at the grocery store, the childless friend’s home, on the plane, at the hairdressers, church and my work.

I was seriously considering the Circus or Ebay for a while.

It all came to a crunch when you saved up your Academy Award winning performance for a time and location when it mattered the most. At my Theatrical Makeup School. The performance was fitting I guess, given the creative environment, but it was free fall art at its best. And at its most humiliating.

It all started when someone, who shall remain nameless, unwittingly gave you a carton of apple juice and a kilo of chocolate before he dropped you off.

It was like winding a spinning top for hours and then letting it loose.

You ran round and round the studio screaming. When the Head Teacher told you to quieten down you told her she had a strange and really weird face (she had recently had plastic surgery). She was shocked, I was upset and you just loudly giggled. I ran to pick you up and you kicked me and ran away. I stood there helpless, blinking back the tears.

All those childless people around me were giving me the “how dare you breed” look. I was young and had memorised all the lines in the book. I gave it my best shot.

1. “She didn’t take a nap” - The fact you were four and it was 10am in the morning was beside the point.
2. “Someone gave her sugar” - I could tell that people thought that blaming someone else for the “giving of the sugar” was just a ploy to keep my parental halo sparkly clean. And it was, sort of.
3. “She isn’t feeling well” – thinking that they would just keep a wide berth from fear of catching something.
4. “She’s two”. Except you were four. Sometimes just rolling your eyes and saying “terrible twos” is enough…even when they're not two. I said you were just "big for your age".
5. “She’s Not Mine”. I tried to pretend I was just doing a little babysitting and this crazy possessed screaming child was no relation to me. I said, “She just needs her mummy”. The problem was that you were the spitting image of me, so I was kind of screwed.

I learnt a lot that day. First, to never let you anywhere near apple juice and second, to make you realize that for every action there is a consequence.

I hope you will thank me. Simply because, one of these days you could have ended up like this woman. Somehow it looks ok on a four year old but at fifty? This Chinese woman reacts badly when told she is too late for her flight. Oh pleazzeeee……..she needs major time out or a good hard smack!


Love you!

Your Mother xx

PS. No I never really entertained the thought of selling you on Ebay for more than a few passing seconds. Loaning you to the Circus on the other hand.....well, I have to admit that it did entertain my thoughts a lot during your fifth year.....

Can your parents have you arrested?

.So asks a Googler, searching for the answer on my blog.

People arrive here in search of all sorts of answers. To all sorts of questions.

Given they haven't had much joy in getting their questions answered to date, I thought I would tackle some of their more pressing problems now. Think of it as a community service.

1.Do motorbikes get you sex?

Clearly not. And I say this with some authority. The most popular search terms for my blog are all variations of how to have sex on a moving motorbike (hundreds of people have tried to find the answer to this one and I am serious). I am not sure what kind of life they think Lilly leads but they clearly are looking in the wrong place. My balance is bad for a start. However, I can tell you that having a bike may get you the girls but once you’ve got them, the fun stops there. Simply because most bikers clearly do not know how to do two things at once given the amount of Googling going on. Forget about a bike and go buy a nice car. And if anyone knows how people have sex on a moving motorbike let me know because there are lots of people who need an urgent answer. I never knew the problem was so widespread or so serious.

2. Is there a double sided tape to hide fat?

Yes. It's called industrial strength gaffer tape. Get someone to wrap it around every inch of your body (think Egyptian mummy). This will effectively encase and control your blubber. Then you have to dress in a top to toe outfit to cover the hideous tape. The only downside to this technique is that the tape removal process is quite painful (think full body wax). On second thoughts, Jenny Craig may be a better option or why not try a Caftan, a highlight of the upcoming Spring fashions.

3. How to know if he truly loves me though he's miles away?

If he has a return ticket he does. If he doesn't, you're on your own.

4. How long does it take to get arrested?

As long as it takes to piss someone off. Yes, that includes your parents. I am sure you asked this question before. You can try asking it any way you want but it all boils down to one thing. You are already in, or thinking about being in, serious trouble. Go turn yourself in. Now.

5. Do you think I have too many questions for a normal person?
Clearly the fact you are asking, means yes, you do. You are abnormal. Go get a hobby.

6. When did life become so busy?

It all started when you began asking the Internet lots of crazy questions. STOP, step away from the keyboard and miraculously, your life will slow down again.

7. What does a breech birth tell you about a person?

That they caused their mother a huge amount of pain, that they jump feet first into everything they do and that they may have a drinking problem. Bottoms up!

8. What do you say to people who say you're so tall?

Say, I find it is better to look down on people than to look up. I feel your pain, I am 5ft 9" so I have had lots of practice with these questions. People tell me I am tall as though I never knew. Oh truly? I never knew I was tall, thank you so much for letting me know! Blah! Blah!
9. Do you know where there is a place for people like us?

Yes a five star beach resort in the Bahamas, I'll see you there!

10. I'd like to know what it's all about, what's happening and how I'm going to get on in life?
Go see a clairvoyant or just strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.

11. Do you have a poem from a teenage son to tell her you are sorry and that you love her?
Oh that is the sweetest thing I've ever read (in my google analytics anyway). Just say sorry and can I have your phone number to introduce you to my daughter? What a nice boy (unless of course you are the same boy who is worried his parents are going to have him arrested and this is just another one of your ploys to manipulate them).

12. What physical attributes do women find sexy about men?

Their brains and the fact they ooze so much self confidence they would never have to ask such a question. Ever.

13. Have you seen Condoleezza Rice naked on a jet-ski?
No, not even in my nightmares. You are sick and need help George.

14. If I had a one night stand would my wife forgive me?

Well why don’t you ask your wife before you do it and that way you will know for sure whether she will or she won't. I am telling you now she won't forgive you. Ever. Unless you can hook her up with Brad Pitt. Then all will be forgiven.

15. What different things can I wear with a grass skirt?

Tough one. Anything but a cigarette.

16. What do I wear when I visit Australia?

Clothes preferably. In fact, anything but a grass skirt. It's bushfire season.

17. Is going over the rainbow to think, a good idea?

It depends on what you’ve been smoking before you take the trip. Peace man.

18. Do I forgive someone who keeps lying?
Stop lying to yourself. No.

19. Would it be a good idea to have grandchildren without having children first?








20. Is the moon I see in Scotland the same moon that you see in Australia?Ah no, it's certainly not. We Aussies don't like to share. We prefer our own moon. We're kind of funny like that. Even though yours is no doubt a perfectly nice moon, it's just not the same as ours.


Readers: Go check out your Google Analytics - what strange word searches do people use to get to your blog?

Sometimes there are just no words

I warn you if you so much as snigger or laugh out loud you are going to be expelled from here because I already have the giggles and I don't want anyone to set me off.

What do you think?


I think it's called Shabby Gourmet Chic.

The Bird Man's attempts at coming good with a bet.

It's weirdly adorable aside from the fresh flowers which are actually poisonous. And the icing that is dripped all over the place in a freestyle artistic kind of way. A very pink kind of way.

I can hear you now, awww....how thoughtful...I just wish someone would do that for me.....don't lie, I know it's true.

I can only imagine what lies beneath this pink concoction. Chocolate cake apparently. When I do finally cut it I will post a picture.

Happy Valentines Day to all. Go say, "I Love you" - out loud - to someone you love. Man, woman, child, or animal. There is magic in these three little words and after the week we've had in this country, it's clear that none of us knows what's waiting for us around the corner. If you want to really try something different, say, "I Love you" in a foreign language.

And I love you. Yeah! YOU! So much so, for the first two hundred people who give me their address you will get a piece of this pink delicacy in the mail (and yes it's that big).

You're all on diets? Funny that!

Have a great weekend. I may possibly be in a sugar coma for a couple of days so I will see you when I resurface.

Tell me: What was the best OR worst Valentine's present you ever received? I am recalling Los Angeles in the 90s and a box of stale chocolates and a telephone(??) which may, from the look of it, have fallen off the back of a truck somewhere. It's not the gift that counts right?

Update: Here is a picture of the cake, It was truly yum!!

Birds do it .....even Aussie chicks do it

.

I went walking aimlessly in the wild bush walking over the weekend.

I decided after giving up George that I could afford to wear hiking boots, get down and dirty, break a few fingernails, sweat profusely and be one with nature.

It takes me a lot to get in touch with my inner Australian. I need a great deal of persuasion to venture too far into the great outdoors. Away from basics like electricity, hair straighteners, laptop, fridge, running water and my bed.

Georgewannabe asked me to venture out and quite frankly I couldn’t come up with an excuse quick enough.

However, as luck would have it, I nearly didn’t make it out of the car park before I was ready to turn around and come home.

I got out of the car, walked five steps and saw this.

A MAGPIE! The horror of my childhood. These poor excuses for God’s creatures used to swoop and scare the living sh** out of me on a regular basis. They were determined to strip me of my crowning glory strand by strand. I am sure I had so many holes in my scalp I could have been used as a human salt shaker. I needed therapy for years. Not from the bird attacks but from all of the ridicule I got from wearing an empty ice cream container on my head like a helmet. Just for protection. It looked cute at 5 but just plain ridiculous many years later.

Me: Eeeekkk! Get that horrid thing away from me!!

George wannabe: Laughing too loud for his own good. It’s only a bird, he’s not going to hurt you. In fact you are more like this bird than you can imagine.

Me: Shooting look of pure contempt his way and thinking to self, God help me, how did I not know he was a delusional bird lover.

Georgewannabe: Magpies are one of the few birds who are monogamous and they mate for life, so if you injure or kill one you might break a heart.

Me: Now wearing my handbag over my head just in case the Magpie had ideas - fortunately I couldn't hear the violin strings. As fascinating as the love lives of birds are, have you ever thought that maybe they are only monogamous because they all look the same and therefore they aren't tempted to find younger, prettier models?

Georgewannabe: They're fascinating. They build exotic nests and have a habit of collecting bright and shiny objects which they use to decorate their living space, they’re intelligent and they can be tamed and taught to speak, different languages. They only swoop when they think their babies are in danger. See how like us they are?

Me: Ah...no. How is that thing like me?

Georgewannabe: Well, you like wearing black and white, you love collecting shiny objects, you have a decorating passion, you’re loyal, smart, and fiercely protective of those you love and....he stops in mid sentence......

Me: and..... go on say it ......tapping foot ready to pounce...

Georgewannabe: You are also an extremely social bird.

Me: Oh phew, I thought you were going to say something about my big beak. Of course, if you had, you would have seen this bird swoop right at you ....and give you a whack with her wings. Some birds are beyond taming.

The day continued trouble free. No swooping, squawking or bright shiny objects were to be had anywhere. Maybe I will try to like Magpies. One of the few birds that love for life. I will think about it. The wounds run deep.

Readers:

The pictures are of the area near where I live and walk and which was ravaged by bushfire six years ago. Thanks for your prayers for those Aussies involved in our current horrific bush fires. Also, it is now believed that only one of the six major fires was deliberately lit. Sad times but everyone has come together. Love in the midst of chaos. If you are an Etsy shopper you might be interested in this. In order to help out those who have lost so much, an appeal has been set up through the Etsy community to raise money. A special Etsy shop has been launched by the Dust team (Down Under Street Team). It is called OzBushfireAppeal and in it are items that have been donated by other Etsy sellers to help this cause. Sales from all items will be donated to the Australian Red Cross every Friday.

I Still Love a Sunburnt Country

I was all set to do a humorous post about my bush walking adventure on the weekend. However, the time doesn't seem quite right for laughing. Strangely, I had been walking in an area that had been destroyed by bush fires six years ago. It has since been replenished with beautiful green growth.

I came back home to hear about the horrific bush fires in the Gippsland and Yarra areas of Victoria over the weekend. One hundred and eighty one people have lost their lives (and that number is increasing by the hour), many more have been severely burnt (with reports that the burn cases are far worse than those in the Bali terrorist bombings), 750 homes have been destroyed, thousands of animals have died or been injured, hundreds of thousands of hectares have been destroyed and lives have been changed forever.

The particularly horrific aspect to it all is that some of the fires may have been deliberately lit.

My heart goes out to everyone involved. I cannot truly comprehend the horror of losing my home or, worse still, the lives of loved ones to fire. However, I can comprehend the speed that bush fires travel, the fear of being in the path of one and then living in its aftermath.

On the 18th January 2003 I woke up to a normal warm summer's day. I was alone in the house and looking forward to spending the day decorating. In the afternoon I was sitting on the study floor putting together a desk and concentrating on the instructions. I happened to look up at the window and was puzzled to see that the sky was dark as if it was evening. It was only 3.30pm. I got up and walked to the window and saw a black sky awash with an orange tint. It was unusually and eerily beautiful. The video at the end of this post shows what the sky looked like.

I rang a friend to ask if he had heard anything about the weather and I explained what the sky looked like. He said he hadn't heard anything and jokingly asked if I had been drinking.

The doorbell then rang and a neighbour asked if he could borrow a ladder. When I asked him why, he said he needed to clean leaves out of the roof gutter because he had just heard on the radio that there was a fire warning. He was quite relaxed and said there was nothing to worry about.

I turned on the radio. Over the following minutes, the radio announcers were becoming more and more panicked. A bushfire was heading our way. My suburb was surrounded by a pine forest and this was just the fuel a raging fire needed to grow more savage. We were in the path of potential destruction.

We were told to take down curtains. The windows were burning hot already. To put wet towels at exterior doorways to stop the smoke coming into the house. To fill the bathtub and buckets with water because water supplies may be affected. To pack valuables to take with us and to wait in our homes for further evacuation instructions. I worried about the elderly people who may be alone, sleeping or those without radios. What if people were unaware about what was going on?

Minutes seemed to last for hours. The only humorous thing about this episode was the possessions I chose to pack. Rather than take important papers, photo albums, clothes etc. I took two Royal Shakespeare Company framed prints (that are still the most important possession I have for many reasons) bed linen, jewellery and makeup. I clearly have never been the practical sort.

I was not prepared for a fire. The City was clearly not prepared for a fire. I opened the door to check what was happening outside and I was nearly suffocated by the intense heat. Hot red embers flew past me to the wooden floor.

Eventually we were told to leave our homes. It was quick. Some people were on roofs with hoses trying to soak their homes in the hope it would do some good. Some refused to leave because they wanted to do all they could to protect their property.

The fire took hold quickly. When you hear the expression spread like wild fire it is true. Within hours over 230 homes in my suburb were destroyed and four people died. Five hundred homes were lost in the city in total. Almost 70% of the city's pasture, forests (pine plantations) and nature parks were severely damaged.

My house survived but others in my street were burnt to the ground. Fire is such an unpredictable force. It can skip one house but raze houses either side to nothing more than rubble.

Returning to the neighbourhood several days later was like entering a twilight zone. Nothing was familiar. Or real. Gas, water and electricity were off for weeks. Suddenly neighbours were no longer there.

Communities are strong and people rally around to help each other. Humans are resourceful creatures. They rebuild even when the pain lingers.

This latest tragedy brings the memories flooding back to people in my city. And I know that we will be doing all we can to help those affected. This tragedy is by far the worst our country has ever faced. Victims of bush fires usually have no real warning and often no way of fighting such an horrific force. Many people would have been bravely battling to protect their homes and families and would have been trapped by circling flames. How could you outrun a brutish blaze that moved at 120 kmh? Some would have tried to excape in vehicles but then would have been blinded by darkness and thick smoke and ended up in the midst of flames. Whole families have been wiped out. People have lost everything but the clothes on their backs. So many stories and many graphic images will unfold over the coming days.

My prayers and thoughts are with everyone involved, including the brave men and women still fighting the fires.

I made this video some time ago of the 2003 bush fires in my neighbourhood. Nature surely is a force to be reckoned with. There are some moments in life you just have to walk away and cry and this disaster is one of them.

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Dear George Clooney

A tale of unrequited love.
Have you ever sent or received a love letter only to realise that feelings were not reciprocated?

Take George and me for instance.

We have had 'a thing going on' ever since I ran into him in an LA travel agency in 1991 (in his Booker Brook days on the Roseanne show).

Excuse me? What did you just think - that I am delusional?

Haven't you ever wondered why they had to cut George's scenes out of the Thin Red Line which was filmed in Australia? I'm not saying anything, I'm just putting it out there ......read between the lines people!

Today I received George's latest letter and, as painful as it is, I've finally had to face some hard cold facts. George is Love is blind. It's time to let go of the dream and call it quits.



Dear George

Your letter came today.

It was 15 pages long and the only words written were "Lilly, Lilly, you are my one true love", over and over again.

To be honest George I don't know who writes your lines these days but.....they need to try a whole lot harder !

Thanks for yet another autographed photo. I will put it with the 4,000 others.

I've got to tell you though, I was shocked. Your face..... was it a stroke?
I don't want to shun you and your advances so publicly in front of the 'people of the Internet' but I fear that this way may be the only way for you to understand.

Well, short of calling Perez and putting the word out on the streets, that is.

There's really no easy way to say this. But say it I must.

George, I am over YOU.

Over everyone of your egos. The hangers on. And the secrecy of Us.

I have hung on to this dream for 18 years now George.

Thinking that once Max, the 230lb love of your life was out of the way that all would be well. For you and me.

Sure, traversing the globe, meeting you in cheap motels away from prying eyes for stolen moments of passion has been exciting.

However, at the same time, it's been tiring. Somewhat tawdry. And truly foolhardy.

I know you think because I live on the other side of the world that I don't know what's going on. I see. I hear. I read. I have a strong network of blogger blabbermouths who are happy to talk .

Don't tell me George........ another waitress?

Who do you think you are? An international playboy? You are living in la la land.
You've changed. I don't know who you are anymore. And what's more George, you're teetering precariously on the wrong side of pathetic.

Look at Brad. Six kids in three years. Mildly questionable I'll grant you, but at least he is making the world a more beautiful place, one child at a time...

You see, there's a fine line between mature & handsome and past it & sleazy. A fine line George, and you're hanging on by your finger nails.

Move on. Accept it's done and leave me alone.

Just turn and go and don't look back George.

Remember the good times and try to find someone to love you, as hard as it may be. Someone nearly as great as me.

Ciao Baby. Really.

Lilly

Note to readers: Other than 'running into' the real George in 1991 - this letter sums up the urban myth that my original Clooney encounter has become over the years. Don't sue me George. You will appreciate the exposure one day. Any publicity is good publicity. Right?

Back to you. Are you going to write the loves of your life a real love letter this Valentines Day? I once denounced this day as commercial rubbish but I think the time is right to focus on a lot more love in the world. Valentine's Day need not be the exclusive realm of couples – it can be an expression of friendship and platonic love. I am of the opinion that it is a day of inclusion and an opportunity to recognise all we have in our lives. Check out this great post at Steamed Sponge about writing a letter to a loved one. No George, that won't be you.

What everyone should know

about Love


Our gifts are often our curses.

I have learnt over time that I am a loose woman. No, not that kind of loose woman. Let me explain.

I really like people. I am open and friendly. I am genuinely interested in others. And I trust people unless I find reason to do otherwise.

However, I've also learnt that I have loose boundaries and it can get me into strange situations. Here is a very simple example.

A couple of years ago, I was on a bus travelling to Edinburgh from the village where I lived. A woman in her 50s got on the bus and sat down next to me. I’d never seen her before. Nor the large hairy animal that accompanied her!

I swear that within several minutes of sitting down Gillian was telling me about her sex life. "Voracious appetite I've got", she said.

I may have been more shocked about what she was saying except for the fact her dog was lying on my feet. On my brand new boots.

Gillian didn't draw breath for the whole 40 minute trip. I am not even sure how we got to that point. I think she started off complaining about how the hard seats did nothing for her bad back, then how her large breasts caused her back pain, how she didn’t want a breast reduction because she would lose all feeling in her nipples and how if her nipples were tweaked in a particular way she could climax within minutes. Then she was off and running.

I said only one word to her. And that was. “Really?”

I should have known better. Even though I will concede I did learn a few things. Least of all that dogs are allowed on Scottish public transport.

There is apparently something about me that invites such confidences, as if people can look at me and tell I have boundaries that can be demolished with the flick of a finger. Now I know many people wouldn’t have even made eye contact with Gillian or just turned the other way when she started talking or told her to stop because they weren’t interested. Oh no, not me. They say good fences make good neighbours but as we know bad boundaries make for way more interesting blog posts.

Except, and it is a big EXCEPT, you have to know when to be on guard. And that is most definitely when it comes to romantic relationships. That’s when loose boundaries can prove dangerous. And the stories can end up more harmful than hilarious.

Love Sharks can sniff an open door a mile away. And tear you to shreds before you've had a chance to slam the door in their face.

Take my adorable friend Annie. She had a relationship with a guy for some years. He was a successful businessman. She trusted him and believed him to be the person he said he was. We all did. He appeared to be a really great guy. It turns out that just about everything about him from hello to goodbye was a lie. It was almost as though he was leading a double life for the four years they were together. Yes, the stuff you see on Jerry Springer except he came dressed in a suit and tie and reeked of respectability.

Abusing a loved one's trust happens every day. So its best to choose wisely to begin with because once you fall in love it's hard to see the reality of your situation.

How many times have you heard that if your partner is having an affair or lost all your money you may be the last to know? It seems there could be some truth in that.

Scientists have found that love is indeed blind and there is a biological basis for that. Strong emotional ties to another person inhibit not only negative emotions but also affect the brain circuits involved in making social judgements about that person.

So we can finally explain why some people can't see all the faults in their partners which others, like close family and friends, may clearly perceive.

We are pulled along by the strong sense of reward you feel when you love. But we are also pushed by a tendency not to objectively see faults in the other person which might threaten love, because circuits in our brain responsible for critical social assessment and negative emotions are literally switched off. So it's important to have strong boundaries regardless of what stage of a relationship you are in.

As Shakespeare says love all, trust few and do wrong to no-one.

And I never saw Gillian again which was a shame because I had some questions for her.

Do you think love is blind or we choose to not to see the truth?

Note: I found a really interesting post touching on the issue of karma at Cleo's blog, Rosin Dubh .

Love is.....

What exactly?

I am not talking about the love you may feel for a particular flavour of ice cream, sports team, car or blog. Or even the kind you feel for your great Aunt Mary or your pet dog Digger.

I’m talking about romantic love. And for the month of February I am keen to get your thoughts.

The love phenomenon has been pulled apart, examined to death and trodden all over by millions of poets, songwriters and authors who have written about falling in love, love gone wrong, unrequited love and broken hearts.

Love is, after all, what makes the world go round.

So much so that we use the word quite liberally in the English language and it is now a double edged sword with many different meanings. We can love someone and wish them well then this same emotion can suddenly turn to hate and we would love to see some harm come their way. It's hardly any surprise that love can be so confusing.

The way we define love may depend on where we happen to be sitting in the love equation. Is it a meeting of hearts and minds, a friendship set on fire, or is it like luck where you have to go all the way to find it or perhaps it’s nothing more than a kind of temporary insanity driven by hormones. What do you think?

No matter how you define it or feel it, love is a universal phenomenon which stretches across cultures. Scientists now admit that human beings have a biological predisposition to love and that it is not just a cultural fantasy. We need to love and be loved.

I think love is a combination of lust, romance and attachment. I think each of these can operate in any order or in any combination. You can fall in love with someone before you sleep with them; you can become deeply attached to somebody and then fall in love with them; and you can have a sexual relationship, fall in love and then become deeply attached. I would hope that no matter what the process taken to get there, the desired outcome is that you share a caring compatible relationship built on trust and respect, no matter how imperfect parts of it happen to be.

Lust comes easy. It’s a craving for sexual gratification, which you can feel for a whole range of people. With romantic love we focus all our attention on the object of our affection. Not only do we crave them, but we are highly motivated to win them, obsessively think about them and becoming extremely sexually possessive.

Scientists believe that romantic love is one of the most powerful neutral systems that has evolved. Even more powerful than sex drive. Thankfully as blissful as being in love is, it’s not really conducive to live in this romantic state for 20 years because you’re distracted by it, you can’t think of other things, you have a conviction that no-one else in the world has ever felt this way before, you forget what you’re doing, you probably don’t eat properly, you don’t sleep well and you go through highs and lows every hour of every day.

My first crush was at 9. His name was Gary. He reminded me of a cuddly koala bear with glasses. I used to pass him love notes and cards in class. My best friend fancied his twin brother David. We had plans of a double wedding and living on a farm together. That was before Sister Eustace put a stop to it and ruined our dreams of a happy ever after. I am sure I had the wedding dress designed and the children’s names selected. Interfering old bat! How dare she put our education before matters of the heart. What if he had been the one all along?

My first serious romance was with someone I met in high school. He was different. His family was different. And my parents kept reiterating that point, loudly and often. He dropped out of school, was a drummer in a band and was an advocate for every alternative lifestyle choice known to man. I thought he was so cool. I went overseas and came back and he was still cool. I woke up one day some years later and saw this girl in the mirror, dressed in a long batik skirt, cheesecloth top, with flowing hair, eating raw foods, considering joining the Baha’i faith, and moving to an alternative community with a rosy cheeked baby on her hip. I wondered what the hell had happened. The pink mist of love lifted its veil abruptly. I was trying to live someone else’s life which seemed to have no bearing on who I was at all. I just wasn’t right for him. No matter how cool he was.

Some of us don’t learn our lessons though. It is normally wise to wait until brain function is fully restored after we fall in love before making a decision to marry or have kids.

When the mist of love eventually lifts and we see our loved one for who they are and we are tolerant enough to accept each other’s failings, we can reach a place of relative calm and security. For half of us long term relationships work. For the other half, its hasta la vista baby and the journey continues.

I think everyone dreams of the great love story. Some of us think we found it only to discover we haven’t. Some of us get one or more chances and many of us don’t find it at all. Some of us settle for whatever love we can find. For every great love story there is also an equally painful one.

My grandmother, who left behind wonderful diaries of her 67 year marriage, always said that if you want the great love story of your life you have to be right for someone else. The best way to do that is to be right for yourself first as opposed to waiting for someone else to be right for you.

I wish you lots of love out there. The right kind of course.

What does love mean to you? Have you found the love of your life? Do you believe in soul mates? Do you have a question about love you want answered by readers?
Next post in the series - Is Love blind?