4 February 2009

What everyone should know

about Love


Our gifts are often our curses.

I have learnt over time that I am a loose woman. No, not that kind of loose woman. Let me explain.

I really like people. I am open and friendly. I am genuinely interested in others. And I trust people unless I find reason to do otherwise.

However, I've also learnt that I have loose boundaries and it can get me into strange situations. Here is a very simple example.

A couple of years ago, I was on a bus travelling to Edinburgh from the village where I lived. A woman in her 50s got on the bus and sat down next to me. I’d never seen her before. Nor the large hairy animal that accompanied her!

I swear that within several minutes of sitting down Gillian was telling me about her sex life. "Voracious appetite I've got", she said.

I may have been more shocked about what she was saying except for the fact her dog was lying on my feet. On my brand new boots.

Gillian didn't draw breath for the whole 40 minute trip. I am not even sure how we got to that point. I think she started off complaining about how the hard seats did nothing for her bad back, then how her large breasts caused her back pain, how she didn’t want a breast reduction because she would lose all feeling in her nipples and how if her nipples were tweaked in a particular way she could climax within minutes. Then she was off and running.

I said only one word to her. And that was. “Really?”

I should have known better. Even though I will concede I did learn a few things. Least of all that dogs are allowed on Scottish public transport.

There is apparently something about me that invites such confidences, as if people can look at me and tell I have boundaries that can be demolished with the flick of a finger. Now I know many people wouldn’t have even made eye contact with Gillian or just turned the other way when she started talking or told her to stop because they weren’t interested. Oh no, not me. They say good fences make good neighbours but as we know bad boundaries make for way more interesting blog posts.

Except, and it is a big EXCEPT, you have to know when to be on guard. And that is most definitely when it comes to romantic relationships. That’s when loose boundaries can prove dangerous. And the stories can end up more harmful than hilarious.

Love Sharks can sniff an open door a mile away. And tear you to shreds before you've had a chance to slam the door in their face.

Take my adorable friend Annie. She had a relationship with a guy for some years. He was a successful businessman. She trusted him and believed him to be the person he said he was. We all did. He appeared to be a really great guy. It turns out that just about everything about him from hello to goodbye was a lie. It was almost as though he was leading a double life for the four years they were together. Yes, the stuff you see on Jerry Springer except he came dressed in a suit and tie and reeked of respectability.

Abusing a loved one's trust happens every day. So its best to choose wisely to begin with because once you fall in love it's hard to see the reality of your situation.

How many times have you heard that if your partner is having an affair or lost all your money you may be the last to know? It seems there could be some truth in that.

Scientists have found that love is indeed blind and there is a biological basis for that. Strong emotional ties to another person inhibit not only negative emotions but also affect the brain circuits involved in making social judgements about that person.

So we can finally explain why some people can't see all the faults in their partners which others, like close family and friends, may clearly perceive.

We are pulled along by the strong sense of reward you feel when you love. But we are also pushed by a tendency not to objectively see faults in the other person which might threaten love, because circuits in our brain responsible for critical social assessment and negative emotions are literally switched off. So it's important to have strong boundaries regardless of what stage of a relationship you are in.

As Shakespeare says love all, trust few and do wrong to no-one.

And I never saw Gillian again which was a shame because I had some questions for her.

Do you think love is blind or we choose to not to see the truth?

Note: I found a really interesting post touching on the issue of karma at Cleo's blog, Rosin Dubh .

66 comments:

  1. You are a wise observer and comentator on the human condition. I'd love to sit next to you on a bus.

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  2. Love is blind until the chemical high wears off and the honeymoons over,

    Love isn't blind forever. 20/20 vision over here baby!

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  3. Fantastic post, Lilly. I think we often choose to live in denial about blatant signs of trouble in a relationship because we are afraid of changing, afraid of what will happen in our comfortable lives if we acknowledge the problem because then we have to do something about it. De-Nile isn't a river in Egypt. It's alive and well in many relationships throught the world. Love the anecdote about the lady on the bus....so funny!

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  4. I second what Sandi said. Love is blind until the honeymoon is over. :) It's too bad, really. I've known several girls who've married guys that their family and friends did not approve of. Everyone could see he was a jerk, but her.

    You're a very patient person to put up with that lady's conversation. I would've been mortified. :)

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  5. I have to agree with Sandi, love is blind until the chemical high wears off. It isn't blind forever, believe me, been there, done that and I too have 20/20 -- of course at my age you really don't have to worry about it anyway!!!

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  6. I think when you trust someone you become complacent. You focus on the small issues and then ignore some of the more threatening ones. You are also inclined to let someone cross your boundaries more and more until they take it for granted. Sometimes you just dont know. It happens slowly. I just heard the other day about a woman married for 30 years to a multi-millionaire. She was told by someone he had been having an affair with his secretary for some years. She immediately left him. He cut off all financial support to her and she relied on the help of friends to eat. He gave his children 2 million dollars each and told them their mother was at fault and they were not to speak to her again. They didnt. They took their fathers side and his money. This woman finally got the millions owed to her in a divorce despite the fact that he had hidden most of this money offshore. Her lawyers travelled the world to find it all. What I dont get is this. How can someone who has been married for 30 years do that to their partner. No, not the cheating because it happens but how could he buy his kids like that and want to give this woman nothing. I dont want to be cynical but if you had asked that woman about her husband prior to her finding out she would have said he was a wonderful husband. I hope she is having fun spending her millions. Bet she deserves it. I kno there are two sides to every story but it should be fair. Woman never should give up their independence ever. No matter how in love they happen to be. So after all that love is definitely blind and I think we are blind about our kids as well. We need to have close friends and family who wont be so biased to tell us the truth sometimes.

    As for Gillian I think she should start her own blog because I would be interested to know a few things too. OMG how funny would that have been with everyone overhearing her. I would have been bright red. Some people have no boundaries about what they say to strangers.

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  7. Oh, I definitely think that there is a little bit of truth to both sayings.

    Love is blind: Yes, I think it makes sense what you said about the brain circuits where love is concerned, because people are really unable sometimes to see certain faults in their partner. I think it is because, as you said, we do not want to admit that we may not be with the person we thought we knew.

    Some people choose not to see the truth for several reasons, but one of the most common reasons is because they have convinced themselves that the person they are with really is okay, that they cannot do any better than this person. If someone comes along and bursts this bubble the person may be faced with the reality that they may be with someone they actually deserve to be with, perhaps because they really can't do any better. That's just hard for anyone to take.

    Very insightful and thoughtful post, Lilly. Oh, and I wish you would run into Gillian again so we could have Act II of the story. LOL

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  8. I don't think love is blind, some people just aren't so smart. Or put up with too much. Of course, what we may think of as "putting up with" might truly be okay with them. Just a thought.
    On the issue of boundaries, I think I have them to a fault. I moved from a small town to a fairly large metropolitan area and I just don't trust anyone. Seriously, don't even think about approaching me in the grocery store. I've started wearing my mp3 player everywhere I go so I can pretend not to hear anybody. Then I complain because I don't have any friends..duh :P

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  9. Hi Lillyness! I've missed you so much! I always learn when I read your blog! I guess I think love is blind too! I've learned I have loose boundaries too. I find it hard to turn away from people who want to talk. I think I have one of those trusting faces, too. I think I'll start wearing dark glasses!
    I will now call you, The Most Learned One!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia :)

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  10. Wowee wow wow!

    I think it is a choice. I think people instincttively want to be in love so much, they lower their expectations to meet the "love" at that level.

    Love can be blind... but some people make it blind, deaf and mute. My mother mostly.

    People are in love with being in love and being paired off. So many people look for being a couple before looking for good qualities... they just want a permanent date to outings, and overlook the bad things.

    Cynical? yep... that's me.

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  11. Very good post. I am so glad to have found your blog.

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  12. @ Ann - ha ha - except I may not speak to you first. I think I observe and listen better then write about it rather than talk about it.

    @ Sandi - yes my dear I think you would have 20/20 vision and applaud you for it. I have been known to be a bit short sighted in my dealings with people but am aware and if my boundaries are crossed I retreat. It works. All the drama disappears from your life.

    @ Blue Castle - no to be honest I dont get shocked by much anymore. People are amazing creatures expecially in small little Scottish villages lol! Same as small country towns anywhere.

    @ The ChickGeek - oh I like that line, De-Nile isn't a river in Egypt. And I think it is also true that being comfortable keeps us in denial.

    @ Sylvia - we are never too old for anything except maybe skydiving.

    @ Sarah - oh that is a horrible story. And we hear about it all the time. Not sure really there is an answer but I agree there always has to be a measure of independance as one never knows what will happen in the future.

    @ Matt - good thoughts Matt - arent we humans intriguing. I just wish we didnt have to hurt each other though. Ah well these issues will be alive as long as the human race continues. As for Gillian, oh dear...I was always told the Scottish were reserved as well. I also never catch buses in Australia so it was a new and novel experience all round.

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  13. I think love is blind because we choose not to see the truth, Lilly.

    I totally adored a 'great guy' for 4 years until he utterly destroyed me and everything he said turned out to be a lie too. He had a black belt in female manipulation. It shattered my world.

    Problem is, I ignored, or made excuses for, and never questioned all of his lies.
    I heard them, all right, but let them go.
    I wanted him more than I wanted to face facts so I just dismissed them in my love-lust-hope haze.

    I didn't look at the fact that his actions almost NEVER backed up his words.

    Almost cost me my life - that addicition to teenage type romantic dreams instead of stark reality.

    Part of loving is loving oneself enough to not be delusional.

    To know that picking the wrong person and thinking they are wonderful is really just another way of saying your self-esteem is low and needs to be worked on because you settled for a frog and called him a Prince instead of booting the warty little slimy thing out a.s.a.p.

    And as far as having tigher boundaries - yes. It's always better to protect yourself a little more rather than wonder why you let yourself get so walked on.

    You can still be a good loving person and have healthy boundaries.

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  14. I have to tell you, I have a great track record with my weddings. I have done many, and they are all still together. I'm thinking I should charge extra for that added insurance. However, I found out today that one of my June weddings last year separated after only a couple of months because she cheated on him. Argh! Dumb-ass!

    Also, happy news here on the home front! Friends of mine just had their EIGHTH baby! I think they have six girls and two boys. Or it could be five and three. Heck, I don't know. I lost count. But their marriage is strong, their kids are VERY well behaved, top marks, they quilt and bake (the kids and the mom and dad!). They are truly amazing! How's that for love multiplied!!

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  15. Boy-oh-boy Lilly gal, it's never boring taking a stroll onto your blog. LOL

    I totally vote for the brain short-circuit concept . . . makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Mama Nature NEEDs us to to be blind to the faults of a partner who's a close-enough match to generate romantic energy.

    Mama Nature wants romance! Romance makes babies. Mama N., she likes babies. Lots and lots of babies.

    If we clue in too soon to a potential mate's shortcomings [Gillian's lusty laugh echoes through the ether] we oh-so-sensible types would never let the gusty-less reliable types (with complimentary genetic traits) into the sack with us. *wink*

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  16. Pak Karamu visiting your blogs

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  17. LOL, I'm sitting here trying to figure exactly which questions you had for Gillian.

    I find myself taking easily to strangers, yet am reserved with family and friends. I think my switches got reversed somewhere along the line. People seem to feel they can talk with me about just about anything also. I think at times that is a curse.

    On the subject of whether or not love is blind, most definitely I have seen so many friends that refuse to see what the rest of us see so clearly. I have had it happen to me. I think it has to do with our basic desire to support and protect those we are in love with.

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  18. Really is the word which can land us into hearing troubles very often, if not used with extreme caution. But sometimes, it leads to interesting confidences and then at least we can feel good because we have done good by listening to somebody who just needed a willing ear to pour it all out.

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  19. I don't know about love being blind - I just know I'm never getting on a bus in Scotland. Ever.

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  20. @ Julie - yes that's true - we all have different boundaries so what you may put up with someone else may. I guess we just cannot judge.

    @ Shelia - so glad you are all caught up on your rest. Yes you seem like the kind of person who people would tell there troubles too. Glad you like coming here too.

    @ Saundra - your mother sounds an intriguing woman from your comments and your blog lol!! Yes its good to be matter of fact about it all. I like your style.

    @ Polly - thanks for visiting and I shall come over to yours for a visit.

    @ Loving Annie - yes they exist unfortunately and strike when we are at our most vulnerable. I have some info that may help and will email you.

    @ Rhonda - you are a lucky charm I tell you. As for your friends wow what a great story and we need more people like them. They are making the world a better place one by one.

    @ Kel - yes I am totally with you on this. Evolution. Now can you explain sociopathy to me then? And thanks for visiting my blog it kind of exciting to get visitors like you!

    @ Pak karamu - so I see.

    @ Eric - what were you thinking my questions were going to be. I was going to ask Gillian what the secret ingredients of haggis are. Yes, you strike me as an undertanding polite man who would also be seen as a good listener. Boundaries Eric we need to develop stronger ones. How exciting did you see that Kel visited my blog???

    @ Sucahrita - yes I am going to be careful about using the word really again, you just never know.

    @ Lunch Buckets - LOL, nah either am I!!

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  21. Yeah, ALessandro and I sat across from a very young priest on the train trip from Venice to Florence, and he talked a blue streak to us. I had forgotten about it, until I read your post.

    And it was all in Italian, so poor Alessandro didn't get a word, and I had to be polite and translate. And Alessandro had to be polite and listen!

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  22. @ Leslie, oh no. So you are entirely fluent in Italian. Wow I am impressed. I will have to find out your story one day soon! Poor Alessandro.

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  23. I totally enjoy coming over to your blog Lilly and as well as reading your post, I love reading the comments people write. What a fantastic following you have.

    I am definitely not as "nice" as you. Being an introvert I would have opened a book and buried my head in it to give Gillian a BIG clue not to talk to me.

    I feel Love is Blind. I have had my fair share of broken relationships mainly because I needed to be loved.

    Finally I learnt how to read people alot better....I guess it comes with age. I have also learnt how to love myself and now I am much wiser and happier person.

    Cheers
    Peggy

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  24. I think its both. I think in some cases people are really blind to the facts. and other times--they choose to ignore what they KNOW is really going on.

    I dont know if i could have sat next to the lady on the bus...i would have been so mortified she surely would have had to see it on my face..or knowing me-I would have burst out laughing.

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  25. Lilly, this is such an interesting series of posts. I love your story about your travelling companion. It is amazing what you hear on public transpo ;-)

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  26. Hi Lilly,
    A wonderful evocative post. Many thanks.
    I think that we seem to spend a lot of our time preoccupied and concerned with our own thoughts and feelings.(I proved this to myself one day. I went out with some friends for lunch and wasn't feeling very well but didn't want to say so. I just ordered a sandwich with garnish. I managed to pass the whole time toying with a lettuce leaf and stashing all the sandwiches in my bag -- AND NOBODY NOTICED !)
    I think nature plays tricks on us in the love game to ensure the continuation of the species and makes us love with a distorted view. No one can be completely good or completely bad -- but with nature's rose coloured spectacles we focus on the qualities we admire and think of as good in a loved one and exaggerate them. Without the specs we can see the whole picture. The loved one hasn't changed only our view and our response to them . To me love is accepting and loving everything, warts and all and wishing nothing but happiness for the loved one.

    Also , I think that one of the best things we can do for a fellow human is to listen

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  27. Lilly;

    I think I also fall into your definition of a loose women! I talk to and listen to almost everyone ! I love people and I think it's like an addiction.
    On your question, I do think that love is blind....sometimes we wear blinders because we just don't want to believe that the love of our lives would do anything that would hurt or betray us...but deep inside of each and everyone of us is a tiny little voice or(like with me)the tiny little hairs that stand up on the back of my neck that say's listen,caution,slow down!

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  28. This is a great question! I think love is blind. Too many times I have seen young girls fall in love with someone everyone knows is wrong for her but no warning can help. They just do not see it. Unfortunately the blindness goes away too soon....

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  29. That's hilarious. My husband has that way with people, and he works in a hospital. You can imagine the life stories people share with him.

    I sometimes wish I could love blindly. I'm just not that kind of person. When I have been taken advantage of, it's not for very long. I'm quick to close the door on love and friendship if I feel it's not reciprocal. Unfortunately, it creates a wall between myself and others-- so although it's a wise mechanism, it's sometimes a lonely one. When someone figures out how to love deeply but intelligently, please let me know how!

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  30. Hi Lilly, I agree with the scientists that love is blind for awhile. Then you have to decide if you can really live with each other, warts and all!

    Those tulips in your picture seem to be in love!

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  31. That's really a great post. Very observant!

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  32. Interesting story about Gillian. Love can be blind, when we fall in love we excrete dopamine. This is wear the word "dope" comes from. We are dopey when first in love and that does blind us to some extent. Emotionally we want love to work so we do choose to turn a blind eye to red flags which would normally cause us concern. It is wonderful to love, we must do so with eyes wide open.

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  33. Hi Lilly, This is the first time I am posting a comment here. But I have been following your posts recently. They are very interesting and warm posts, as if a friend is speaking to me. I guess the lady on the bus felt the same way. That makes a wonderful person.

    Love according to me is blind for some, and very smart for the shrewd. They get the best out of it.

    Cheers...!

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  34. I laughed my butt off the first half of your post… happens to me even at the checkout in the grocery store…

    I think we choose not to see and prefer to live in denial. I fell terribly in love once even though I knew from the beginning it was bound to end… I just didn’t want to deal with the reality for a while…

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  35. @ Peggy - we are sisters I am telling you! Thanks for your comment.

    @ Dawnie - thanks - yes well I was kind of stuck next to her on the bus and didnt want to make a scene and it was all so funny, yet absurdly intriguing at the same time.

    @ Just a plane ride away - I dont really do public transport here but I did in the UK. People dotn seem to mind what they say and to whom. I am very guarded, except on my blog it would seem lol!!!!

    @ Barbara - wow thank you Barbara. That is interesting that that happened to you at lunch at no-one noticed. I hoped that maybe I would have noticed you. I love your response to the questions. Yes nature does play tricks. I like that theory and we shuld all learn it in high school I think.

    @ Peggy - thank goodness another loose woman!! Yes perhaps its when we dont listen to our little voices warning us and just disregard our gut feelings that the toruble starts. I do believe in gut instinct now and listen to it intently.

    @ Betty - yes I geuss we notice it with our own children too. Or our parents did with us as well. Love is also like a drug once you are in that high state you cannot reason with anyone!!

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  36. In my experience I think we often see but choose to overlook the faults of those we fall in love with .. hoping we can somehow change that person. It never works. At some point the piper must be paid ... some relationships make it, others don't. My daughter experienced a relationship like the one your friend had - five years of nothing but lies and made-up "stuff." It's a miracle she escaped intact. He ended up in jail for six months for physical abuse (she had stopped blindly accepting everything he said and did.)

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  37. Lilly – I think ‘real love’ is pragmatic, honest and a lot of hard work (in the sacrificial sort of way)! My opinion – I think most people fool themselves, or play, at ‘being in love’ (but it’s often shallow with no substance or staying power). Great post!

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  38. Gillian sounds like someone we get in at the restaurant all the time. Some people do not know when to keep their mouths shut and are so thick skinned they wouldn't even care if you told them to shut up. Love is blind. I married a beautiful woman and 2 years later I woke up to see Godzilla (she doesn't read blogs so she wont give me hell)!!! No seriously love is hard work and the shine wears off and something replaces it like kids and a mortgage. That's life.

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  39. Thanks, Lilly, for giving me a wonderful laugh out loud moment while reading about Gillian. I swear, this happens to me frequently and I have often wondered what about me looks like an opened, welcoming receptacle of secrets and confidences. I don't mind though. I like it actually, but no one quite as colorful as Gillian has crossed my path.

    Is love blind? YOU BET IT IS! When my husband left back in May after 40 years of marriage, he informed me that he had had affairs...one night stands, etc. for almost our entire marriage. I never, ever, suspected that. I do think it was just plain hateful for him to leave me with that piece of info, however, it did make post divorce recovery rather rapid.

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  40. @ Summer - no honey you stay the way you are it means you have healthy self esteem and good boundaries. Your husband and you complement each other well it means.

    @ Christine - yes I liked the image because one was dark and one was light and one is doing all the bending and the other doing nothing. It seemed to be relevant to what I was trying to say.

    @ The Blonde Duck - thanks!

    @ Mark - great comment and you have a really intriguing blog as well.

    @ Introspection - I am so glad you posted a comment so I knew you were reading. I left a comment on your blog. Thnaks you!

    @ Fida - Well least you did and you can see it with clear eyes! Enjoy your trip!

    @ Helen - glad your daughter made it out in one piece although the emotional damage they impart takes a long time to recover from. Oh isnt it tough! Bet she learnt some great lessons about people though!

    @ CathM - shallow - yes its an interesting word and only half make it to the deep end. I like the way you think and express yourself. Loved your latest poem by the way.

    @ Banoffi - your wife is so not going to be happy with you lol. Least you see it for what it is, reality lol!

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  41. @ Anya - oh that must have been devastating for him to say that. Yuk! Good riddance to him I think. Glad to see you are getting on with it too and having a good time. You deserve it! Karma is a nasty thing but he will get a slap in the face one day.

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  42. Wow, Lilly, i came here to thank you for your excellent feedback on my blog the other day. Really wise.

    THEN, i read this blog post. It is incredible. It really speaks to me in ways you can't imagine and besdies which, you are such a good writer. LOL. Love that last line about q's for Gillian! hilarious.

    "So its best to choose wisely to begin with because once you fall in love it's hard to see the reality of your situation."
    --This is so true. So what does one do when reality and love don't coincide?! (ponders)...

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  43. I love the explanation for what happens when we fall in love. I've never heard that before. Maybe with that is what makes it feel so amazing.

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  44. @ Mmmm - thats my pleasure - I know how you feel as do many others.

    As for the quandry you mentioned after reading this post, we either get used to the reality that is staring at us in the face and try and have spikes of romance or we face reality head on and get out. In an honest and up front way of course. That is my view except too many people do thngs to hurt the other person in the process as you can see by some comments. That's wrong. Karma will come back to bite you if you do. Glad you found the post useful and you are doing ok. Photos come down yet? Must go and check.

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  45. Hey Lilly
    I am so like you, people will talk to me regardless of where I am and sometimes it is just embarrassing!

    I think it is a gift that we have been giving, that those around us trust us and know that we will not hurt them!

    And I think you have helped me see the upside to being married! LoL

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  46. @ The Mind of a Mom - well glad someone else is the same. I think its the luck of the draw and you can never take anything for granted. Ever.

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  47. I have one of those faces that people will tell things they wouldn't tell their priest in the confessional...
    and I think love isn't blind..people just see what they want to see...it's easier...

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  48. @ yellowdog granny - I knew it - I am coming over to your blog with my sins, ok?

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  49. If you are blind, people will find you and use you.

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  50. btw I would have been completely satisfied had you left the post as it was after the first paragraph :)))

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  51. @ aost - hey you have a interesting website in respect of Valentines Day!!

    @ Braja - Oh I thought it was enough after the first sentence!

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  52. Excellent feedback again adn you got I meant "collide" or "conflict" then coincide which might mean harmony all around. Love your blog anyway, and am so glad i followed the link to this "ONJ lookalike." LOL.

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  53. I've actually had therapists tell me I have "weak boundaries." One of the nice things about growing older is coming to terms with who you are, the good and the bad,, though, and if my weak boundaries are responsible for some very bad decisions in my life (and they are), they also have given me a life with a lot of interesting stories.

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  54. Love can be blind, at least in the beginning, but even then, I think we have an innate sense of what draws us to a person, and what may be potential pitfalls, but that huge dose of whatever hormone it is that we get in the beginning makes us not care. Caring comes a lot later. Can you tell I'm all for long courtships??

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  55. good post ma'm :) i like it please visit me too http://pinoytayonoh.blogspot.com

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  56. I never realized it til now, but I am indeed a loose woman. I can relate to your Gillian experience quite well. The problem with my loose boundaries is that I lack the know-how of what to say in reply to these very open strangers. Usually all I can force out is a "oh" "uh-huh" "how funny" or worst case scenerio, a simple little giggle.

    I definitely think that love is blind as well as women tend to refuse to accept the truth mostly because they don't want to. I've been there personally and only could see clearly after the experience. I have also felt the urge to shake some sense into several of my loved ones to try to get them to face the reality of their situations, with no luck. Love is a crazy thing. Actually I think it's beyond love and just unhealthy needs at that point.

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  57. I have always believed that you need to bare your soul and live life fully. Yes, there may be times, when you get cheated or jilted or hurt, so what?

    Live life fully, risk and savour the moment. Holding oneself and you never will offer your true self.

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  58. I think we are more likely to just overlook the truth when we are in love. After the fact, we kick ourselves when we admit that we saw the signs and just ignored them.

    Great post!

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  59. @ Jeanne - yes you are so right - at least we have some interesting stories to tell - a couple I could do without though.

    @ Stacy - yes I can and I think I agree.

    @ Ashley - well its something to be mindful of purely because you can get sucked in by people who may want to abuse your trust but otherwise good listeners are badly needed in the world.

    @ Nsiyer - interesting - yes I can see that too but once bitten twise shy. There is a fine line isnt there?

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  60. Teri - the whole issue of seeing red signs and ignoring them is a good one. Interesting!

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  61. I don't think love is blind. I do think that a lot of women are raised to "look for the good" in people. I certainly was and as much as that IS a good trait, it is ..... extremely harmful to the individual.

    I trusted other people before I trusted myself, because I looked for the good. After the divorce in a down right scary marriage (stuff would make your hair stand up straight), I learned that I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be in a marriage like that again.

    That's when I searched out the "bad" in people and when my gut said "red flag" - I hauled butt!

    When I met Greg, it was the opposite. It was almost a thing of, "Is he too good to be true..." Then I met his family. He's very real and we both have faults, but they aren't the kind that will destroy the other person.

    Ok, I rambled... Love isn't blind. Sometimes I think people go to extremes - TRUST NOBODY or TRUST EVERYBODY. Once we find a balance, we realize that love always had her eyes open.

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  62. Wow Lilly, I love your writings. It makes me see that I am not the only person who has sought to understand the human mind. But you are so much more poetic and interesting than anything that I could write.

    Perhaps when I come to Australia to visit, we'll catch that bus and perhaps see Gillian. :)

    Tata for now and sending my love your way! *hugs*

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  63. I think people open up to you because your eyes are nonjudgemental and kind. I think people choose not to see the zits on people they love... at first.

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  64. I think that both are true and that love is blind AND we choose not to see the truth.

    Oftentimes, the truth can be exceedingly painful.....
    ;)

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  65. @ Aleta - yes thats true females nurture. So glad Greg came into your life, you are such a good team.

    @ Kay - I like that thought - we ignore each others zits.

    @ Nina - oh yes it is painful when you wake up.

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Thanks for your comments. I love reading what you have to say.