Tuesday 24 February 2009

This could only happen to me

I have a company. I do stuff.

Sometimes creative, sometimes corporate.

I can't say more. After reading this you'll know why.

I was asked to do some market research for the Police.

I thought, why not? It's great they care about public perception.

Except, I didn't think it through, did I?

The complictions of doing this job only occurred to me in the middle of the night. In the middle of a nightmare.

Remember 'that incident' with the police? When my mouth and brain were out of sync?

Last night I watched the most blood curdling show on TV (no, not the Oscars, it was a show called Underbelly). It's all about crooked cops and sadistic criminals in Australia in the 70s and 80s. I didn't know that the humble shovel was such a multi-purpose weapon. Hits, chops, cuts, flattens, digs, buries .....

I dreamt that I strolled into the police station to do this job. All corporate and sophisticated. Until I caught sight of a Wanted Poster on the bulletin board. A poster with a heading that read Crazy Woman and with my face plastered all over it. I walked to the front desk trying to cover the offending face with my hair. NO, it couldn't be!!!! It was him!!!! It was the police officer I swore at, sitting there in all his navy blue and shiny glory. He was leaning back in his chair, with his feet on the desk, juggling bullets and chewing gum. He looked up. We locked eyes. A look of recognition slowly crept across his face like a gloomy black shadow. He knew exactly who I was! Was it because I was screaming four letter words, with my mouth wide open and my face contorted.... in all shades of red? I turned to run in circles in my ridiculous, impractical stilettos. He lept up out of his chair, yelled out after me, jumped the counter and chased me down the hall. A gun in one hand and...........a SHOVEL in the other..... I woke up just as the shovel....
Guilty people are always paranoid (remember that).

This job could be uncomfortable. It could ruin my professional credibility if I'm recognised. As the Crazy Woman.

I need to look different.

Maybe if I hold up my folder to my face it could distract them.

Maybe I should try different hair.

Maybe a full disguise. Do you think sunglasses are too much indoors? Seems to work for Mickey Rourke.....

The danger is, that it may make me look more criminal and less consultant.
I'm a walking contradiction....it's tough being me sometimes.

I'm just glad the people that pay me to be intelligent, impartial and professional don't read my blog.

Karma. Maybe. Guilty conscience. Definitely.

Thank God I have given up the evil white stuff.
Sugar, people. It's crazy making.

Now I have to give up police shows. Like Underbelly.
If you ever come across a shovel, don't take your eyes off it. I'm just saying, that's all.
And please, whatever you do, don't call me Crazy....


  1. go the red head disguise, very fetching.
    Underbelly is a bit much, you know they are doing 'boob flash" counts somewhere in the internet too... I can't believe its on at 8.30pm.
    Your dream is hilarious.

  2. Lilly,

    looking different is NOT enough. You could match your red hair disguise with a white straw filled with cayenne pepper (aka red chilly powder), and hold this straw in your lips like a fancy cigarette holder. When the guy even moves a bit with the shovel, you lean forward and simply blow it into his eyes. In Bollywood movies they fling it as a fistfull. This would be more in keeping with your corporate image .....

    He will have the dreams after that.

  3. lol...well just remember most men dont remember theirs wives names, so there's a high chance you will be long forgotten! If not--you have a twin!

  4. I have been following Underbelly as well....it is a riveting insight into the gangland wars. I can certainly understand why you are having nightmare Lilly. That shovel scene was gruesome and so was the shooting scene in the bathroom last night.

    And to think I was in my 20's while all of this was going on around me. We ventured into several illegal casinos after work but heaven help me that no gangsters were there at the time or if they were thankfully no shooting occured.

    Another wonderful humourous post Lilly and I love that you are a walking contradiction.


  5. Hi Lilly! Yep i just use the molds that are out there for each little holiday that are for cake molds, cupcakes etc. Wilton makes so many different ones. The bath soaks I see are all cylinder shaped and not pretty enough for me..I like things to look pretty..and these are pretty enough to go into glass jars and place on the tubs. I'm filling one up now and it should be ready later I'll snap a picture.

  6. @ Dee and Peggy - you must go to the website for Underbelly as they have a discussion forum. I swear all the ex crims or current crims are putting their two cents worth in about the show. In fact it is extremely interesting. The even more interesting part of it is that someone there states that Clark who supposedly died of a heart attack in prison in the UK may be still alive. His body was never seen by Australian police officers. I bet the police are watching this forum too. Its creepy and that scene last night was horrific. Here is the link to the discussion forum http://channelnine.ninemsn.com.au/underbelly/

  7. Lilly that was hilarious, I love the disquises..however I didn't enjoy the coffee coming through my nose...but it was worth the laugh.
    Have a good day :-)

  8. Blue hair. Definitely.

    What? Police like blue.

  9. Hilarious. You have the greatest sense of humor. I love coming over here to read your blog. I like the black hat and glasses. You look like some old time movie star from long ago. They will never recognize you in that outfit.

  10. You crack me up! The hair is fabulous!

    and I must say.... What were you thinking? The Police? Lilly, I am surprised at you!

  11. Ha! Funny stuff! I love when real life meets wicked imagination. Definitely the stuff dreams are made of, oh and nightmares too! Now I will have to go check out this show!

  12. Hahahaha...you are tons of fun, girl!!! :) I would be LOST in my world without your blog.


  13. You're one funny girl, Lilly. I'd steer clear of the po-po's if I were you. After all, dreams are sometimes premonitions... (And, thanks for the shovel warning. I'll stay on high alert!)

  14. You are too funny! Have you considered plastic surgery to alter your appearance ... nah, just kill them with your charm.

  15. Lilly,

    Take ugich's advice -- it's good! Hire a body guard! Like Clooney! ;) Maybe that red wig will picque his interest - oh, that's right! You are FINISHED with him! Stallone or Rourke would be worth a call... You never know, girl, who could be crooked {looking over shoulder}.


  16. The answer is, Pirate!!! Just dress like a pirate! No, not the full on avast ye matey, just the eye patch. You will get so much sympathy attention, that they won’t really be looking at your face. You could be Angelina Jolie and they wouldn’t notice. No?? Then just dress slutty and they also won’t look at your face.

    Also, you’re not alone. The past two nights, I have dreamed in crime drama. Must be something in the ozone.

  17. Glad the white stuff is sugar or we'd all really be in trouble. I think you need to stay away from shovels for a few days.

  18. That poor old cop doesn't stand a chance up against you. He may have a gun, but you, my dear Lilly, have your mouth! You could bring him to his knees with that weapon! lol

  19. Ah, the dreams of a guilty woman!
    You are so funny, Lilly.
    p.s. And I've never trusted shovels. They have always looked to me as if they should have faces...

  20. You are such a hoot! Always make my day! I like Ugich's ideas! Glad I wasn't drinking coffee or I, too, would have spewed it everywhere. Thanks for getting the day off to a good start!!

  21. LOL!!! You, my friend are Hilarious!

  22. I just read your post on 'the incident'. Oooooh!! You're one dangerous lady!!! I love the part when you asked him about his new year's resolution!!! Boy!! That must have REALLY smarted!!!
    Well, best of luck with the disguise!!

  23. I like the twin idea in one of the comments, but do you think they'd buy the suggestion that there's two of you?

    Suffering from paranoia doesn't mean you are crazy, it just means you are ... er, paranoid.

    Ouch! (again)

    Great post :)

  24. Crazy women?
    I have one..
    There are so many of them
    The odds are on your side__
    Stop worrying.

  25. your wit is great and i love the blue hair!
    Ok so if they recognize you, then you just convincingly tell them that must have been your doppleganger. This will do a few things for you:
    1) impress them with your vocabulary
    2) they will respect you because of your German connection - Police always respect the Germans
    3) gives you a chance to run like hell if they pause to figure out the word.

    BTW i learned this word on the internet so unlike what many think the internet is more than porn

  26. Good luck with your police project Lilly, you'll do great. I personally think you were a therapist in another life, you have so much insight into everything.

  27. I'm a personal fan of the blue hair. You can totally rock that look!!! And the short cut is pretty hip! I'm pretty sure they wouldn't recognize you...and I'm sure you'll wow them with your skillz! Just try not to look guilty lol

  28. Nah... you're not crazy.
    Beautiful, witty, creative and downright hilarious.
    But not crazy.

  29. ..oh the humble shovel! Sounds like you didn't partake of The Sopranos.
    Good visiting you today Ms. Lilly.

  30. I'm back again, I am with Braja, I like the blue to impress them!

    Now, please come back, I promise to play nicely...LOL :-)

  31. I vote for the blue also! Very funny!

  32. Lilly - you are always a scream :) Loved the new hair styles...very fetching indeed :)

  33. I agree. The blue is flattering.

    You are hilarious.

  34. I watch Underbelly too. We remember Mr Asia, because he was a Kiwi, & we still lived in NZ at the time. It all seemed a bit surreal, but we also knew it was true.
    Great post.
    I liked the last disguise best, something about the drawn quality...

  35. you been drinking my cough syrup??? ha
    actually one of the reasons I like you so much is the screaming at the cop event...I like crazy people..and like Waylon Jennings says:"I've always been crazy, it keeps me from going insane."

  36. No Lilly you are crazy but hilarious crazy so its allowed. Actually that could be a bit of a pickle you have yourself in. Just keep your head low and even if you run into that guy he is not going to recognise you unless you spew forth with some profanity, lol!!!! Blue is so you. That show sounds violent and nightmare inducing.

  37. Lilly. “Guilty people are always paranoid (remember that)”... ain’t that the truth – I’ve been guilty and experienced that paranoia... what a nightmare (LOL)! ps Love the disguises... no one would know it was you (hee hee)!

  38. Oh boy...photoshop disguises! I love it. So many places to go with this blog -- police, shovels, dreams...dreams...probably a whole series of blogs...I like the red hair myself...maybe the painting

  39. OMG your head must be a swirl of creativity and laughs. Too funny. Nah, I think the red is more subdued. With that one you wouldn't stand out from the crowd.

  40. Lilly, maybe you could become a bounty hunter?

    A shovel wielding bounty hunter!

    I bet you'd get your own show for sure!

    And the poster for the show would have you dressed in your professional suit, stilettos and a hot pink/ stainles steel shovel!

    "Digging Up The Dirtbags and Bopping Them On The Head."

    Dream on!

    Peace - Rene

  41. I could never call you crazy. That's like the pot calling the kettle black!

  42. @ Ugich - YOU ARE BRILLIANT! So creative. Where do you get your ideas? It is perfect. And a weapon I could handle. I wouldn't fit a shovel in my handbag for protection. I need to watch some Bollywood films. That could be dangerous of course.

    @ Dawnie - oh my, would the world be ready for a twin - sometimes I think I do have a split personality I walk a fine line between two worlds sometimes. Very straight and very creative. Never could decide which side to jump. I will come back and check your blog.

    @ Darsden - coffee, keyboards and idiot blogs do not make a good mix. I spilt coffee over my keyboard twice. I have since learnt.

    @ Braja - yes I kind of like the blue one too - I think I would blend into the crowd that way...

    @ Judy - yes I think I like the old movie start look too and if I had Ugich's special cigarette it could look quite exotic. Maybe I will be recruited to be a spy. Except I couldnt be trusted - I would spill all the secrets on my blog. I may go into designing disguises perhaps. Dreams, hey?

  43. want me to come over and give you a makeover? I'm on my way...........

  44. DON'T DO the strawful of pepper! If you accidentally breathe in, instead of out, it's a BAD, BAD thing.

  45. @ Sandi - dont think any worse of me. It was one of those moments that got the better of me and I blame on giving up sugare and wheat and alcohol and dairy all on the same day. I am a different woman now, so much so I think I really will need to be a different woman to do this job.

    @ Vicky - oh its way too violent, with too many sex scenes but somehow is addicitve because its based on real people!

    @ Paris - and me you for reasons we know too well about!!! Thanks your comment means a lot to me! And I still want that drawing, a Paris original.

    @ Debra - high alert on the shovels, love it!! Maybe you could weave that into your next book?

    @ Mark - oh I dont know about that - I am pretty normal most of the time except my blog allows some of those strange thoughts I have to be unleashed.

    @ JULS - Can you imagine having a body guard like Mickey Rourke? I too would be too scared of him. LOL
    Don't mention George - he no longer features on the horizon...

    @ Frank - a pirate, genius. As for dressing slutty I think I would look more desperate than slutty these days. The eypatch sounds a great idea! Oh have you been watching any crime shows?

    @ Miles Per Hour - well it all started because I was eating shovels of sugar over Christmas. I gave up, had withdrawals, swore at a policeman, now dreaming about shovels again. How circular life is lol!

    @ Rhonda - I knew you are my long lost sister - you know me. "He may have a gun, but you, my dear Lilly, have your mouth! You could bring him to his knees with that weapon!" Your sense of humor is on track with mine.

  46. Go with the blue do. It's a good look for you. You could bribe the cops with donuts (or is only in the US?)

  47. Don't worry, it is most likely the main people you will be dealing with are the public servants that work for the police and not actual cops. If you deal with cops, you will be dealing with upper management and they are pretty safe.

    I used to work in law enforcement. I can not watch Underbelly and I tend to mock most other police shows for incorrect procedure.

  48. Yeah... I am pretty sure you are crazy. Aren't dreams crazy?

  49. I am liking the last picture the best. Incognito yet sophisticated!
    I love the pic you paint of cuss cop siting at the desk. Wow you feel bad don't you? Don't trust me he was acting like that with you and I am sure he does it all the time with others. I am also confident in saying he has been flipped the bird a few times and cussed at even more times since you encounter with him!
    Bad Cop! Make our Poor Lilly panic...LoL

  50. Hi Lillyness! Oh, poor one - what a decision to make! Oh, dear, I don't know what to tell you about changing your beautifulness! Just walk in all smiling and prissy! They'll love you! ;)
    Be a sweetie,
    shelia ;)

  51. Oh that was excellent. You got me captivated so please let there be more... tell me the story continues...

    Good luck always!

  52. The blue-do is my favorite. You are so gorgeous, my crazy friend!

  53. Haha! You are too funny. The disguises, HA! However, I did like the blue hair! :)

    Oh okay, I won't call you crazy! :D

  54. @ Pearl, yes you are right about those shovels! And I am guilty blame my Catholice upbringing or perhaps my stupidity. I was born to be gulty about something or other.

    @ Sylvia - oh well as long as your smiling and not wondering what the hell is wrong with her? LOL

    @ Tabitha - and you my friend are inpsirational.

    @ Roshni - I am trying to remember if you are a lawyer or not - I might need to call in reinforcements!!

    @ cjw666 - no, quite frankly the world is not ready for two of us. While it crossed my mind I had to discount it as too unlikely a story LOL!!!

    @ jfrancis - now that is probably the most salient comment of the day. There are so many crazy women out there that why do I think I am so different? You are right!! Thanks for your comment.

    @ Lisleman - now you know the first thing I did was run and find what doppleganger meant. "A ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart." I like it and I have a German heritage on my fathers side too!!

    @ Christine - aw thanks!!! That is sweet. Shame I cant practice those therapy skills on myself!!

  55. Ohh no your subconscious mind still feels guilty LOL.
    I wish I could record my dreams and sell them as dvd episodes, can you imagine. Yours would get high ratings for sure.

    You are the best.

  56. PS. thank you for the info on blogger bug going around as well :))

  57. I just read your sidebar about losing followers. That was really helpful! Thanks so much. I was just feeling a little sad that I lost a couple of followers. I'll check my dashboard now. Thanks again.

  58. Hey Lilly hate to blow your cover but steer clear of the wigs as you may be mistaken for something else. After Brittney wore the pink wig, police have been on high alert for coloured wig wearers. Just wear different makeup and tie you bair in a bun. You are makeup artist after all.

  59. Maybe you should go gray and walk with a cane. Bring cookies. Who would hurt a little old lady?

    Praying for your safety, friend! ;-)

  60. I hope the job goes well, notwithstanding the opportunity that your presence solves the identity of the unnamed crazy woman.

  61. Go for the disguise where you are wearing a lampshade on your head... that should fool them.. and doesn't make you look too crazy...

  62. Good morning I hopped over from Julie's!

  63. THANKS FOR THE INFO. i've had a problem with my followers so I'll check into it..i saw a few people had problems.

  64. I definitely think the change of hair and wearing of sunglasses will work. And we will never tell that you have changed your look:)

  65. Lilly, you're just so precious! What kind things you've said to me and I really appreciate them! I'm so glad I've gotten to know you, too, you're a talented writer and always make me smile and most of the time you make me laugh out loud! ;P
    Now, Dear One, yes, I'll enter your name in the giveaway!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia :)

  66. Hiya Lilly!

    I have something for you over at my blog. Hope to see you soon!

  67. Oh my, this was funny. I can understand after your swearing incident why you would feel embarassed. Hold your head high and forget about it. Too funny.

  68. Shovels? Oh that sounds horrible.

    You could always dye your hair, but chances are he won't recognize you anyway. Just don't make eye contact. :)

  69. A very well written piece of humor, thoughts and critics. I like the pictures used to get the meaning and the sense.
    It is impressive how you can use daily events to tell a story like that.

  70. I really like you in the blue hair (never thought I'd type those words out), but yes, I do.

    You have a fascinating life, Lilly. I'm so glad you blog!

  71. Wish I could change it quickly so I could go unrecognized by people!

    Last day of my $50 giveaway Swing by and check it out!


  72. Fabulous post ... and dont change a thing ... just pretend you dont recognize anyone you do recognize

  73. GREAT idea! I'm off to the hardware store...

  74. Lilly absolutely brilliant. I love the one with the hat, and red lipstick. Looks a little like Madonna.

  75. @ Nikkicrumpet - I am kind of thinking I might like that short blue cut, err without the blue of course. I think I was born with a guilty look on my face.

    @ Kay - oh you are so sweet, you do a girl's heart good, you know that? Want to come with me when I do this job?

    @ Helen - I will never think of the humble shovel as being humble ever again. I think these criminals keep a shovel in the trunk of their cars like the rest of us keep a spare tyre.

    @ Gran - sounds like the blue is a goer!

    @ ChicGeek - well I always scream thats for sure. I am overdue for a fetching hairstyle actually.

    @ Summer - why thank you Ma'am.

    @ Meggie - you must go and check out the Underbelly discussion forum - there are more criminals on there telling everyone how the TV producers got the facts wrong. Scary stuff.

    @ Yellowdog Granny - now that could be my new mantra and a great excuse!

    @ Sarah - mmmm, a definite pickle that like every other thing I worry about will not come true.

    @ Cath - yes guilt is a strange thing. I am glad I feel it. It sthose who do not feel it that are very sad.

    @ Butler and Bagman - from an artist such as yourself I appreciate your reference to my piece of artwork as a 'painting'. Perhaps I could exhibit at your next Flying Pants Exhibition.

    @ Banoffi - me in stilletos already makes me stand out from the crowd - I am not sure a red wig atop would make me less noticeable...it is very red..

    @ Rene - now you are a creative genius. You should be paid to sit there and come up swith concepts that TV and movie people can snap up and turn into great works of art. A pink streamlined shovel. A girls best friend. A Jill of all trades. You also could be a marketing genius.

    @ Julie - yes it is and I would have said just that if you had called me crazy too, lol!!! I could wear those gorgeous scarves you had on your last post - that would take their attention away from my face and possible recognition. Except it may make my consultancy null and void.....

  76. Lilly, thank you --you are so hilarious!

    I love that bit about dreaming you walk in, see your wanted poster and then "him"-- that very same police officer!
    And hey, you got me worried with the evil white stuff there for a mo. LOL.

  77. Great post! Just keep away from garden tools (and wigs...don't need them; I am sure your charm & beauty will win you favours!) and you'll be OK! Each time I watch Underbelly it haunts me the next day as well!

  78. @ Rachel, thanks!

    @ Vodka Mom - no I've seen how you dress little Ruthie!! I'll pass this time.

    @ Jeanne - sounds like you speak from experience.

    @ Joanie - oh no, donuts are a universal peace offering or bribe which ever way you want to look at it.

    @ Riayn - yes, you MUST look at the discussion forum on the Underbelly website. Fscinating and I hope the police are reading.

    @ Nanna -0 yep I am crazy its true.

    @ Mind of a Mom - flipped the bird, another wonderful piece of universal language is it not?

    @ Shelia - ha ha, be prissy and proud, love it.

    @ Lilly Jones - thank you and yes my stories always continue. Thanks for dropping by again.

    @ Rebecca - thank you!

    @ Bibi - glad you didn't!

    @ Leigh, how funny are you recording our dreams, you always are full of ideas!

    @ Stefan, yeah I could give myself a black eye, tried to do that to a politician while putting makeup on him for TV once.

    @ Renae - he he, my hair already is going gray or grey in our neck of the woods.

    @ Hip Jen - yes perhaps they will give me the reward for solving the mystery, lol.

    @ LadyFi - Lampshade hey? Something conservative and non too flashy - let me think on that one!

    @ Megryansmom - welcome and be sure to come back now.

    @ Debbie - yea I already knew that bloggers were deluional just like me, he he.

    @ Magee - thank you ma'am.

    @ Blue Castles - yes seriously shovels are not just used for gardening purposes. Every crime figure has one at close hand. YUK!

    @ Khaled KHM - thank you no-one has referred to my blog posts as impressive before. Glad you stopped by.

    @ Aleta - well my life is not so much exciting but the thoughts I have about the inane often are. Glad your baby bird is safe and well.

    @ Doublebanker - mmm yes!

    @ Daryl - thanks for dropping by.

    @ Susan - yes I am sure they come in hot pink.

    @ Cleo - yes of course you are right, Madonna. Ooh I dont like her but I admit she is intimidating so...

    @ Mmm - a lot white stuff is kind of evil I think. I try to avoid...

    @ Mervat - yipee another Underbelly viewer. We must compare nightmares sometime!

  79. Good evening, lovely Lilly! Hope you had a good day. *hugs* :)

  80. Bravo!! This is the kind of stuff I wish i could write, if only i could write! But I don't write. I get paid to edit and that is just so much (cough) fun for me. Really, this is good Lil. I want to know how people have these vivid dreams??? Do you meditate on purple before going to bed because my dreams are "See Spot. See Spot run." Sort of like Forrest, Forrest Gump.

  81. I like the folder in front of the face idea!! ;D

  82. @ Paris - I am good and you are even better with your strawberry Twinkies!!!

    @ Poutalicious - Oh my forgot yu were an Editor. Um, Um, Um, my mum is not allowed on my blog because she id particulalr about the use of English and my concepts are ok but my writing is a bit of a shocker. Please have a few glasses of something preferably alcoholic before you read my posts so you will miss the grammatical errors. The alcohol will also help you have nightmares! I clearly have a sad life. The TV show was particularly blood thirsty!!

    @ Lori - yes more believable, lol

  83. Morning, Dear Lillyness! Now I want to know - have you decided upon your disguise? Let me know when you do.
    Thanks for the visit. You flatter me! I'm just such a silly. After I've downloaded my pictures I just start writing. Sometimes I have a plan, but most of the time I don't. My silliness just oozes out! :)
    Be a darling sweetie today,
    Shelia :0

  84. Ohmigod, I will keep that thing with the shovel in mind. My husband is always giving me funny looks in the garden, especially when I "make" him help in Spring. And he usually has a shovel...

  85. @ Shelia - will do, and keep making me smile!

    @ Stacy - oh yes, be very, very careful. They make look harmless but....

  86. this is the reason why i don't like watching crime investigations shows or crimes series or massacre movies. I get nightmares! =)

  87. @ Rachel - oh no, yes best to avoid them if you feel like that! I am kind of addicted to this one for some reason.

  88. we love you any which way lily girl !! le xoxo

  89. @ Le - thanks I think, lol

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