Did you see the video about the major tantrum at the airport?
It bought back memories. Of your 'best moments'.
Thank God you got it all out of your system. Eventually.
You were a late developer. You were an angel at two but a maniac at four. My cheeks still burn brightly when I think about your performances at the grocery store, the childless friend’s home, on the plane, at the hairdressers, church and my work.
I was seriously considering the Circus or Ebay for a while.
It all came to a crunch when you saved up your Academy Award winning performance for a time and location when it mattered the most. At my Theatrical Makeup School. The performance was fitting I guess, given the creative environment, but it was free fall art at its best. And at its most humiliating.
It all started when someone, who shall remain nameless, unwittingly gave you a carton of apple juice and a kilo of chocolate before he dropped you off.
It was like winding a spinning top for hours and then letting it loose.
You ran round and round the studio screaming. When the Head Teacher told you to quieten down you told her she had a strange and really weird face (she had recently had plastic surgery). She was shocked, I was upset and you just loudly giggled. I ran to pick you up and you kicked me and ran away. I stood there helpless, blinking back the tears.
All those childless people around me were giving me the “how dare you breed” look. I was young and had memorised all the lines in the book. I gave it my best shot.
1. “She didn’t take a nap” - The fact you were four and it was 10am in the morning was beside the point.
2. “Someone gave her sugar” - I could tell that people thought that blaming someone else for the “giving of the sugar” was just a ploy to keep my parental halo sparkly clean. And it was, sort of.
3. “She isn’t feeling well” – thinking that they would just keep a wide berth from fear of catching something.
4. “She’s two”. Except you were four. Sometimes just rolling your eyes and saying “terrible twos” is enough…even when they're not two. I said you were just "big for your age".
5. “She’s Not Mine”. I tried to pretend I was just doing a little babysitting and this crazy possessed screaming child was no relation to me. I said, “She just needs her mummy”. The problem was that you were the spitting image of me, so I was kind of screwed.
I learnt a lot that day. First, to never let you anywhere near apple juice and second, to make you realize that for every action there is a consequence.
I hope you will thank me. Simply because, one of these days you could have ended up like this woman. Somehow it looks ok on a four year old but at fifty? This Chinese woman reacts badly when told she is too late for her flight. Oh pleazzeeee……..she needs major time out or a good hard smack!
Your Mother xx
PS. No I never really entertained the thought of selling you on Ebay for more than a few passing seconds. Loaning you to the Circus on the other hand.....well, I have to admit that it did entertain my thoughts a lot during your fifth year.....