.So asks a Googler, searching for the answer on my blog.
People arrive here in search of all sorts of answers. To all sorts of questions.
Given they haven't had much joy in getting their questions answered to date, I thought I would tackle some of their more pressing problems now. Think of it as a community service.
1.Do motorbikes get you sex?
Clearly not. And I say this with some authority. The most popular search terms for my blog are all variations of how to have sex on a moving motorbike (hundreds of people have tried to find the answer to this one and I am serious). I am not sure what kind of life they think Lilly leads but they clearly are looking in the wrong place. My balance is bad for a start. However, I can tell you that having a bike may get you the girls but once you’ve got them, the fun stops there. Simply because most bikers clearly do not know how to do two things at once given the amount of Googling going on. Forget about a bike and go buy a nice car. And if anyone knows how people have sex on a moving motorbike let me know because there are lots of people who need an urgent answer. I never knew the problem was so widespread or so serious.
2. Is there a double sided tape to hide fat?
Yes. It's called industrial strength gaffer tape. Get someone to wrap it around every inch of your body (think Egyptian mummy). This will effectively encase and control your blubber. Then you have to dress in a top to toe outfit to cover the hideous tape. The only downside to this technique is that the tape removal process is quite painful (think full body wax). On second thoughts, Jenny Craig may be a better option or why not try a Caftan, a highlight of the upcoming Spring fashions.
3. How to know if he truly loves me though he's miles away?
If he has a return ticket he does. If he doesn't, you're on your own.
4. How long does it take to get arrested?
As long as it takes to piss someone off. Yes, that includes your parents. I am sure you asked this question before. You can try asking it any way you want but it all boils down to one thing. You are already in, or thinking about being in, serious trouble. Go turn yourself in. Now.
5. Do you think I have too many questions for a normal person?
Clearly the fact you are asking, means yes, you do. You are abnormal. Go get a hobby.
6. When did life become so busy?
It all started when you began asking the Internet lots of crazy questions. STOP, step away from the keyboard and miraculously, your life will slow down again.
7. What does a breech birth tell you about a person?
That they caused their mother a huge amount of pain, that they jump feet first into everything they do and that they may have a drinking problem. Bottoms up!
8. What do you say to people who say you're so tall?
Say, I find it is better to look down on people than to look up. I feel your pain, I am 5ft 9" so I have had lots of practice with these questions. People tell me I am tall as though I never knew. Oh truly? I never knew I was tall, thank you so much for letting me know! Blah! Blah!
9. Do you know where there is a place for people like us?
Yes a five star beach resort in the Bahamas, I'll see you there!
10. I'd like to know what it's all about, what's happening and how I'm going to get on in life?
Go see a clairvoyant or just strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.
11. Do you have a poem from a teenage son to tell her you are sorry and that you love her?
Oh that is the sweetest thing I've ever read (in my google analytics anyway). Just say sorry and can I have your phone number to introduce you to my daughter? What a nice boy (unless of course you are the same boy who is worried his parents are going to have him arrested and this is just another one of your ploys to manipulate them).
12. What physical attributes do women find sexy about men?
Their brains and the fact they ooze so much self confidence they would never have to ask such a question. Ever.
13. Have you seen Condoleezza Rice naked on a jet-ski?
No, not even in my nightmares. You are sick and need help George.
14. If I had a one night stand would my wife forgive me?
Well why don’t you ask your wife before you do it and that way you will know for sure whether she will or she won't. I am telling you now she won't forgive you. Ever. Unless you can hook her up with Brad Pitt. Then all will be forgiven.
15. What different things can I wear with a grass skirt?
Tough one. Anything but a cigarette.
16. What do I wear when I visit Australia?
Clothes preferably. In fact, anything but a grass skirt. It's bushfire season.
17. Is going over the rainbow to think, a good idea?
It depends on what you’ve been smoking before you take the trip. Peace man.
18. Do I forgive someone who keeps lying?
Stop lying to yourself. No.
19. Would it be a good idea to have grandchildren without having children first?
20. Is the moon I see in Scotland the same moon that you see in Australia?Ah no, it's certainly not. We Aussies don't like to share. We prefer our own moon. We're kind of funny like that. Even though yours is no doubt a perfectly nice moon, it's just not the same as ours.
Readers: Go check out your Google Analytics - what strange word searches do people use to get to your blog?