Sunday 15 February 2009

Can your parents have you arrested?

.So asks a Googler, searching for the answer on my blog.

People arrive here in search of all sorts of answers. To all sorts of questions.

Given they haven't had much joy in getting their questions answered to date, I thought I would tackle some of their more pressing problems now. Think of it as a community service.

1.Do motorbikes get you sex?

Clearly not. And I say this with some authority. The most popular search terms for my blog are all variations of how to have sex on a moving motorbike (hundreds of people have tried to find the answer to this one and I am serious). I am not sure what kind of life they think Lilly leads but they clearly are looking in the wrong place. My balance is bad for a start. However, I can tell you that having a bike may get you the girls but once you’ve got them, the fun stops there. Simply because most bikers clearly do not know how to do two things at once given the amount of Googling going on. Forget about a bike and go buy a nice car. And if anyone knows how people have sex on a moving motorbike let me know because there are lots of people who need an urgent answer. I never knew the problem was so widespread or so serious.

2. Is there a double sided tape to hide fat?

Yes. It's called industrial strength gaffer tape. Get someone to wrap it around every inch of your body (think Egyptian mummy). This will effectively encase and control your blubber. Then you have to dress in a top to toe outfit to cover the hideous tape. The only downside to this technique is that the tape removal process is quite painful (think full body wax). On second thoughts, Jenny Craig may be a better option or why not try a Caftan, a highlight of the upcoming Spring fashions.

3. How to know if he truly loves me though he's miles away?

If he has a return ticket he does. If he doesn't, you're on your own.

4. How long does it take to get arrested?

As long as it takes to piss someone off. Yes, that includes your parents. I am sure you asked this question before. You can try asking it any way you want but it all boils down to one thing. You are already in, or thinking about being in, serious trouble. Go turn yourself in. Now.

5. Do you think I have too many questions for a normal person?
Clearly the fact you are asking, means yes, you do. You are abnormal. Go get a hobby.

6. When did life become so busy?

It all started when you began asking the Internet lots of crazy questions. STOP, step away from the keyboard and miraculously, your life will slow down again.

7. What does a breech birth tell you about a person?

That they caused their mother a huge amount of pain, that they jump feet first into everything they do and that they may have a drinking problem. Bottoms up!

8. What do you say to people who say you're so tall?

Say, I find it is better to look down on people than to look up. I feel your pain, I am 5ft 9" so I have had lots of practice with these questions. People tell me I am tall as though I never knew. Oh truly? I never knew I was tall, thank you so much for letting me know! Blah! Blah!
9. Do you know where there is a place for people like us?

Yes a five star beach resort in the Bahamas, I'll see you there!

10. I'd like to know what it's all about, what's happening and how I'm going to get on in life?
Go see a clairvoyant or just strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.

11. Do you have a poem from a teenage son to tell her you are sorry and that you love her?
Oh that is the sweetest thing I've ever read (in my google analytics anyway). Just say sorry and can I have your phone number to introduce you to my daughter? What a nice boy (unless of course you are the same boy who is worried his parents are going to have him arrested and this is just another one of your ploys to manipulate them).

12. What physical attributes do women find sexy about men?

Their brains and the fact they ooze so much self confidence they would never have to ask such a question. Ever.

13. Have you seen Condoleezza Rice naked on a jet-ski?
No, not even in my nightmares. You are sick and need help George.

14. If I had a one night stand would my wife forgive me?

Well why don’t you ask your wife before you do it and that way you will know for sure whether she will or she won't. I am telling you now she won't forgive you. Ever. Unless you can hook her up with Brad Pitt. Then all will be forgiven.

15. What different things can I wear with a grass skirt?

Tough one. Anything but a cigarette.

16. What do I wear when I visit Australia?

Clothes preferably. In fact, anything but a grass skirt. It's bushfire season.

17. Is going over the rainbow to think, a good idea?

It depends on what you’ve been smoking before you take the trip. Peace man.

18. Do I forgive someone who keeps lying?
Stop lying to yourself. No.

19. Would it be a good idea to have grandchildren without having children first?

20. Is the moon I see in Scotland the same moon that you see in Australia?Ah no, it's certainly not. We Aussies don't like to share. We prefer our own moon. We're kind of funny like that. Even though yours is no doubt a perfectly nice moon, it's just not the same as ours.

Readers: Go check out your Google Analytics - what strange word searches do people use to get to your blog?


  1. Lilly, thanks for the smile! Number 8 (I am 5'11") is tooooo good.

    Cheers from one 'how's the air up there' to another.

  2. Lilly, google is my guide. I couldn't make it ,through life without this information super highway giant.

    4.been there done that..note to me don't do it again
    7.shit now you know my secret what's left after this lilly for us. that's the big secret eh....
    10.can't afford the clairvoyant but got the straps and the whip,where good to go
    19. ok...stop it now your confusing all the little ones who haven't figured out #1,3,6

    Love this post your my rock star


  3. Anything but a grass skirt! Fantastic - that made me laugh, cheers!

  4. Dropping by from sits. Have a relaxing Sunday and make it a cupcake day!

    In case you're interested my blog giveaway ends tonight. Grand prize is Juicy Couture cupcake earrings.

  5. "Is the moon we see..." God! The standard of primary school education is crap these days!

  6. Lilly what a world you have opened my eyes to!

    This was on mine:

    Can dogs have astygmatism?

    I don't remember ever addressing this in my blog but, as a service I found the answer.

    For most animals, the clear cornea, or window of the eye, is not as curved as in people. This results in astigmatism and distorted images.

    Learn something new every day dont'cha?

    Mr. Clooney you are indeed a sick bastard.

    Peace - Rene

  7. Hahahaha, great start to my Sunday morning, thank you! :)

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. thanks for making me laugh!...the moon, the grasskirt, what to wear in Aussi..and all...hahaha..

    People seem to find the answer to everything through the internet--I didn't know some ask this kind of funny questions....

    Have a nice day Lily!

  10. No time for a long comment, but I LOVE the grass skirt question. You had me LOL! TOO FUNNY!

  11. never cease to crack me up!! :) LOVED this post. Especially the motorcycle and George ones! Hope you have a good day! *hugs*

  12. Surely, Lilly, looking down on people is much better than my not-even-five-feet-tall condition. I am in the constant position of being forced to look up people's noses.

    Is it polite to indicate to a complete stranger that a booger is visibly lodged there?

    I was at the ski shop this weekend on the way to ski and had eaten a sandwich on the hour's drive. This perfect stranger, not perfect but quite handsome though also unfortunately about ten years younger than I, indicated I had a little crumb of bread on my lip. I brushed my lip and gave him a questioning look. He shook his head, then REACHED OVER WITH HIS OWN FINGERS and brushed the crumb off my lip...very gently. Whoa! That was sort of intimate...and kind of pleasant too.

    When the man behind the counter handed over my skiis which I was to rent for the day, the stranger took them and looking back now, I realize he was going to carry them to the car for me and who knows where that would have led. But, Damn! how dumb can I be? I took the skiis from him and said "I have to go to the lady's room" and when I came out he was gone. Never spotted him on the slopes or in the lodge. Just one of those slightly sexy, brief encounters, I guess. Gave me a little day dreaming fuel though.

  13. You are amazing! You always make me smile!

  14. I think the longer you blog for (and about more different things) the more likely you are to get people coming from strange Google queries. I don't have many interesting ones yet but I'm not sure what was in the mind of the person who searched for "darwin fish rice krispie treats"...

  15. That's so funny...wonder how those questions get them to your blog. hmm...

  16. Lilly, You crack me up, girlfriend. And I had no idea you were so smart!!! Dear Abby would be so proud.

  17. Your sense of humor cracks me up, Lilly ! Happy Sunday to you - you started my morning off with a smile :)

  18. Love your answer about the moon - oh - and the invaluable advice not to wear a grass skirt in Oz as it's bushfire season!

    I get a lot of questions asking me about: ice cubes and wet jeans...??

  19. I have been unable, to date, to get Google Analytics to work. Which is a drag, because I'd love to see questions like these (although I don't think I'd have half so funny answers).

  20. Lilly, I feel so much smarter now after reading the blog queries! #1 has been added to my bucket list. {Contacting clairvoyant to make sure I can balance on one leg.} #19 ... pondering ... ;)

  21. This was great! Had me laughing from start to finish! Thanks!

  22. Thanks for the smile. You really have some weird people popping by... :)

  23. An absolute hoot! Do people really ask questions like these??? Guess they do, but why for God's sake??? Maybe just to try and make sure someone hears them? Whatever, this is such a funny post, love it! Made my day!

  24. Oh my God! That was frigging hilarious!!!

  25. HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

    I have a new sense of world understanding. There is one thing though, I think there is a whole different set of correct answers for 1980 :-)

    (not that I would know)

  26. How hilarious are these questions. I know the answer to number 1. I will email you. Lilly go look at the titles to all your favourite posts for a start - is there any wonder you get these kind of Google searches your way? That gaffer tape sounds painful and the grass skirt cracked me up. As for the moon yes the people are dim here what can I say - its because we lack sunshine....

  27. I have given you the Noblsse Oblige Award. It is the second I have received, so I am passing this on to you. You may go to Melissa's blog to pick it up. Information is on my blog. Hugs.

  28. Oh Lilly, you are a riot! It's amazing what people will Google. I'll have to go check out what they google my blog for. :)

  29. I liked the moon question. In the States the moon rises in the east and sets in the west (just like everywhere else), but it treks across the southern sky. I'm thinking Down under it might trek across the northern sky because you're below the equator? I'm just saying...

  30. those are some terrific answers...but er, um..about the sex on a motorcycle? may not be able to have sex but you can well, help the driver never mind...

  31. Dear Dorothy Dix, why is it that you have so many people stumbling on your blog looking for answers to their strange questions? Could it be because you touch on all these subjects in one way or another? LOL too funny. I do not like the sound of that tape at all!

  32. The seeming ease you have with your witty and clever words just leaves me with aching, heaving sides wrought with laughter! Okay, I'll play... Ukranian, spiders and Christmas will bring you right to me! But, my poor little sitemeter doesn't allow me to look back very far... so now I am sold... google analytics it is. They should offer you huge sponsorship for this one!

  33. Very funny, Lilly. I need a whole carton of industrial strength gaffer tape :)

  34. @ Carolyn - woo hoo another giraffe!! We have better perspective don't you think? lol

    @ jb - yes I wouldnt be without google either. In fact I am hard pressed to remember life without it except my mother had an extensive library of big encyclopedias I used to pour over.

    @ Mike Smith - oh you are laughing does that mean Hearts won its football game? By the way, I bet you never knew that the moon you look at there bears no resemblance to the one we look at, yeah thought you mightn't have!

    @ Ms Cupcake - every day for me is cupcake day - how do you think I know about the benefits of gaffer tape?

    @ CJW666 - well clearly it is not good because you too didnt know that we have a different moon from you. Do you have a different moon in Spain? I imagine it to look all hot blooded with orange and red streaks with a little tequilla on the side!!

    @ Rene - you are a walking encyclopedia - thanks for sharing that. I only found out this week that animals practice rampant homosexuality as well. I dont know what education I had but Google has certainly enlightened me in every way but how to make a cool million without lifting a finger. I have to go check my dog out. As for George I am not sure if I meant Bush or Clooney but hey they are tarred with the same brush in my book.

    @ Bronsont - oh I can only hope you had a terrific Sunday.

    @ Nerissa - yes it is a concern that there are people out there that are asking these questions. What is even more of a concern is that I would choose to answer them lol!!! Thanks for dropping by.

    @ Sandi - honey I hope you are doing ok with the kids and are stressing less. Prayers are with you.

    @ Paris - the really sad thing is that they are all true questions that someone has keyed into Google search - the Condoleeza Rice question is so bizare it does not bear thinking about. But of course I had to include it and of course I had to implicate George in it - I am just a bitter woman, shoot me!! Glad to see you are doing so well, sliding across your wooden floor and painting walls!!

  35. People! Crawl back under the rock you came out from! You're just plain weird!

  36. I love the one about what to wear to Australia and you said no grass skirts. Hilarious! I guess it takes all kinds but these sure are nutty ones...

  37. I've come over from SITS, great entry, I especially love question 19.
    It never ceases to amuse me when I check what people search for to come to my blog, either.

  38. Very, very entertaining! Thank you,

  39. OH MY GOSH! Lilly! I'm seriously laughing out loud here. And you KNOW how much I needed a laugh! Thank you, thank you!

  40. That's insane...I never go where a post tells me to go, but I'm goin' there now :)))

  41. That was too darn funny...and sad...some of those questions are just sad sad SAD. But your answers were good for quite a few chuckles!

  42. See there is nothing stranger than folk. It is scary but so true. The fact is, people think they can key any old thing they like into their computer and still remain anonymous but its not really true. However, thank goodness they did because we have all had a good laugh. No wonder you couldnt answer number 19, how scary is that one? So funny, how do churn out all these posts just like that? It would take me days. How is the book coming along?

  43. Bravo! You always bring a smile to my day!

    Hope the weather has gotten a bit less rough.

  44. LOL...I always look at the key words that people use to find me. I always get a good laugh! Love how you set this up!

  45. Lilly. Great fun and lots of giggles! Thanks for brightening my today!

  46. @ Anya - oh sweet things come in small packages remember? Love your story about the run in with the mystery man. Leaves you wondering hey?

    @ Tabitha - well I always feel way better when I visit your blog too.

    @ Rachel - yes its true I have some bizarre titles on my posts at times I think they are what attracts the strange googlers - they dont stay around long though.

    @ Julie - from my post titles - thats what does it.

    @ Debra - oh gosh I need Dear Abby myself...bit of fun though and yes, strange and weird questions.

    @ Loving Annie - thank you, glad you had a smile.

    @ LadyFi - ice cubes and wet jeans mmmm, do tell. That sounds enthralling.

    @ Jeanne - well I hope you get it to work because you would have some funny data I bet!!

    @ JULS - well when you accomplish No 1 please reveal your secrets. If you wrote a book it would be a best seller.

    @ Nancy - glad you enjoyed it - inane but harmless.

    @ Betty - you are not including yourself in that I hope lol! No the weird ones find that my blog is not really what they came to find and leave pretty well soon after landing here.

    @ Blonde Duck - oh you must its important to analyse the data on your blog.

    @ Sylvia - yes they do and when you get your Analytics set up you will see for yourself. An interesting snapshot of society. Unfortunately.

    @ Rhonda - love the word friggin, really its one of my favourites.

  47. what a wild array of questions..well-answered I might add! Thanks for sharing.

  48. no need to thank me for visiting...I enjoy reading your post...
    Have a nice day1

  49. ahhhh ha ha. The best post ever.

  50. Oh, Dear Lillyness, you are just the most fun! I love coming to see you - you've always got some funny stuff going on- sex on a motor bike? humm... Thanks for popping in to see me and you always make my day!
    be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  51. Oh, Lilly. I don't know what to say. All I can say is that you got me laughing so hard again.

    I shall take a peak at my google analytics. Do they show readily once we're log on or do we have to search?

    Have a great week,

  52. These are so hysterical! Thanks for the funny list.

  53. @ Christine - I bet you have some interesting searches too given the wide array of links you also have in your blog.

    @ Nerissa - glad you enjoyed.

    @ Charmaine - thanks, now you too would have some great searches.

    @ Tasha - when you open up your report for your blog - it will have data in it for the time period since you set up Analytics on your blog. Go to the dshboard and you get to select which report you want. Choose the report Traffic Sources Overview. It shows you referring sites, direct traffic and search engines. Its the search engines data that you look at. It will tell you what people were searching for when they came to your site. There will be words, phrases and questions. Its mind bogling truly!!! Email if you get stuck!! Have a good week too!!

  54. @ Shelia - yes well this is on the bizarre side of funny this time lol!

    @ Debbie - thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

  55. I love your wit! You could write for "Mad Magazine". Great stuff!

  56. Very well put, I have favorites:
    #3, #8, #12, #19??, they are all good, put a smile on my face.

  57. @ Mark - I say it like I think it but I am not the kin dof funny that is reuqired for Mad Magazine though I thank you for your comment!!

    @ Margaret - yes number 19 still has me bothered? I wonder were they really serious or just plain stupid?

  58. mostly all i have to say is ha ha ha ha ha... :)
    Love it!

  59. God I so needed this today. I'm sorry I missed it earlier. You are a true giver of the everlasting smile.

    "Would it be a good idea to have grandchildren without having children first?" OMG, what insanity!

  60. LOL! Oh that's to funny! "Would it be a good idea to have grandchildren without having children first?" That would be a good trick.

  61. @ Ashley - glad you smiled

    @ Eric - oh you poor thing, well glad you had a giggle. Ridiculous as I can be. Take Care my friend.

    @ Awake in Rochester - glad you enjoyd and yes, that was a classic, you must go take a look at yours too, they are worth a look just because of the laughs!!

  62. Bwhaha! Those are funny. I haven't had any strange ones in a long time. The winner is the Aussie that wanted to know how to get his wife to take it in the bum. Gives a whole new meaning to down under. Yikes! ;)

  63. @ Joanna - ha ha, trust an Aussie, they dont follow directions anyway!! Too funny.

  64. I'm not smart, I still have not figured out how you figured that out. I tried last month, still don't get it. I think I need to color my hair the same as yours ;)

    I'm 5'9 also, My mom is taller than me though :(

    Loved your answers! had me giggling!

  65. too funny........that cracked me up!!

    dropping in from SITS!

    M :)

  66. @ Wheres my Angels - yep, blondes are shallow, lol. OK so you have analytics. Click on the dashboard link and it shows you four different tyes of reports. Make sure its for a decent period so you get a chance to pick up as many different searches as possible. Click on the one that says, Traffic Sources Overview. It shows you referring sites, direct traffic and search engines. Its the search engines data that you look at. It will tell you what people were searching for when they came to your site. There will be words, phrases and questions. Its mind boggling truly!!! Email if you get stuck!! Your Mom is taller, strangely my daughter is small. then again her fathers mother was 4ft 11".

    @ Michelle - as thanks for dropping by and glad you had a laugh.

  67. Alright you got me, I searched for one of these things and I am not going to admit which one. You will have to guess. Too funny. By the way have you seen the newspapers about George and Fatima. Would it kill you to know she is 26 and a Pakistani and a Bhutto? The upside is that Clooney may get to be the one to broker world peace, can you imagine? Sob quietly girl I know how you get, lol!!!

  68. Hi Lily, just dropped by to say hi... i haven't been here for months and i don't have excuses. Reading your Q&As is certainly worth taking a break for. I'm glad I did. =)

    now to try Google Analytics...

  69. Answering so many questions, how do you deal wth work life balance?

    The answers were interesting especially answer no.12

  70. Lilly! Your baby showed up on my blog list today! LOL! He looks so cute!

  71. Oh my gosh! This is too funny. I am going to check my Analytics right now.

  72. LoL. What hilarious questions! Some people have the weirdest imaginations.

  73. Lilly, this is just so funny! And so purely enjoyable. I had no idea there is a Google Analytics !!!

  74. I am laughing so hard I can’t think of any reasonable answer before I google them! I’ll be back shortly:D :D :D

  75. Hi Lillyness! Oh, you flatter me, really! I'm so glad you've gotten me figured out! lol
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  76. Hhahah!!

    I wish that there's a tape that hides fat which is more comfortable than what you have described.

    Condolezz Rice - naked? Ewww noh please.

    That's a good idea to check google analytics - I'll try that one and post about it if it's interesting or weird enough LOL.

  77. OMG I can't even begin to tell you how much I'm laughing over here!! I can barely breathe! It's all so ridiculous and your responses are HILARIOUS!

    So much more exciting than my incredible amounts of "Why is Wentworth Miller fat?"

    This is the hardest I've laughed in a long time.

  78. @ Stefan - you have a bike don't you? That's all I'm saying....

    @ Rachel - hello are you back blogging - that is so great - I will be over for a visit soon!

    @ Nsiyer - you want me to answer another question - work/life balance, um does such a thing exist? Be as happy in your job as you can be and then there is no need for a demarcation between the two, thanks for dropping by.

    @ JULS - oh I will have to come and check out the baby!

    @ Just a plane ride away - I want to know what you get. I have been blogging for a year so its taken a while but it sure is fun looking.

    @ Dionne - mmm were you referring to me having a weird imagination or the Googlers LOL!!!! True on both counts.

    @ Helen - well go have a look because its good to see where your visitors are coming from and what they are looking at etc.

    @ Fida - ok go for it and see what happens.

    @ Shelia - no seriously you inspire me to be more creative. I love your stuff and the way you write.

    @ Jade - YES, you should have some funny stories in yours I bet!!

    @ Simplicity - oh so glad you had a laugh thats what it was all about - nothing too serious or anything! Will stop by and visit you soon.

  79. OH gosh, that is one of th emost funny blog posts I've read. You are so hailariously witty. LOL. Love numbers 5 adn 6 and the one abo tthe grass skirts adn cigarettes! Ha.

    "6. When did life become so busy?

    It all started when you began asking the Internet lots of crazy questions. STOP, step away from the keyboard and miraculously, your life will slow down again."
    -too funny!!

    I never use google analytics but that would be interesting.I seriously can't believe people ask such questions and somehow end up on your site! Or do they ask them once on your site? Stranger still.

  80. Oh my that is hilarious totally. Best post I have read in a long time. Your sense of humor is so cutting and quick. Thanks for the read.

  81. The search term with the highest number of hits to my blog is "Bristol Palin Breasts" by far.

    They lead to this silly post:

    My second most popular post is about a dog that drags another dog to safety:

    Coming in third is the endorsements of Barack Obama and Joe Biden:

    Fourth is about how stupid Todd Palin is:

    Fifth is about an unlikely birthing of a second pair of "black and white" twins:

  82. @ Girldujour - I will have to check those out - how funny. I love Analytics its a useful tool even if it gives us a laugh, its ok.

  83. @ Girldujour - I will have to check those out - how funny. I love Analytics its a useful tool even if it gives us a laugh, its ok.

  84. Mmmm - thats a nice compliment coming from a great writer like you. I am actually more serious than funny I think. Not that you could tell from my blog though at times. It just spews forth in 15 mins and the post is done, grammar errors and all.

  85. That is too hilarious. I just looked mine up, and though not nearly as entertaining as yours... I did get one great chuckle from "cruel mistress of orissa " Because this is a constant topic on my blog.... huh? What?? Yeah, me neither. ;)

  86. @ Amy, oh no you so have to do a post on yours, how hilarious!!

  87. as you may have guessed, I'm reading your posts backwards (?). I am definitely going to subscribe... need a regular dose of laughs first thing in the morning!

  88. @ Roshni - thanks, I hope you do.

  89. I can't stop laughing Lilly :)

    "Have you seen Condoleezza Rice naked on a jet-ski?

    No, not even in my nightmares. You are sick and need help George."

    Sheer genius


  90. @ Soulmerlin - you see the hard thing is that there are people out there who really put this stuff into Google search, So while you laugh out loud for a while you suddenly stop and think there are way too many whackers in the world for our own good. Scary lol!! Glad you laughed though. We can all do with that hey?

  91. "Hovel Living"

    It was not my proudest moment.

  92. Hey all the questions are so cool, I loved the one about one night stand, you answer to it hook her up with Brad Pitt was a killer!


Thanks for your comments.