I should be ashamed that I'm even going to share this story with you. Well you and anyone else out there in Internetland who happens to stumble on this post while searching for the term, crazy Australian woman.
I don't know what came over me yesterday. But over me it came.
I learnt a lesson.
I learnt that it's dangerous to go cold turkey from white sugar, white flour, chocolate, dairy, coffee, diet coke and alcohol all at the same time. And moreso, that it is completely deranged to attempt such a thing when you have PMT.
It's a lethal combination.
Yesterday was Day 4 of my New Years Resolutions.
They say it only takes 21 days to break a habit. Well the truth is, it only took me three and a half days to nearly get arrested. So I am not sure what else I can expect between Day 5 and Day 21.
It all started like this. I was dropping my daughter at the airport late yesterday. Of course we were running late because she had to wrestle with her suitcase for some time to try and get it closed. Post Christmas Sales Syndrome.
Anyone who has read my Message from your Mother series knows my daughter always likes to tell me things that are often unsettling to me even if they aren't to her.
So she picked that moment to tell me that a couple of weeks ago she had been mistaken for a prostitute. She had been walking to the local shops one evening (she lives in an inner city area) and a shady looking guy pulled over in his car and asked her if she was looking for a "gentleman" (Is that what they call themselves these days? Yuk!).
Of course I fired 52 questions at her - "what were you wearing?", "how were you walking?", "what time was it?", " why do you have to walk so much, exercise is overrated, take your car"..... Jewish mothers have nothing on me. Even I feel sorry for her.
Then, as we neared the airport, she got a phone call from my sister to say that she had left her handbag behind and that my sister would drop it off. How we missed a bright green handbag, resembling Kermit, is totally beyond me.
I pulled into the drop off zone, and after a few minutes spent discussing how she could board a plane without ID, she started taking her suitcases out of the car. I then heard a guy yell at her to "move it along". She tried to explain that she had forgotten her bag and that's why she was a little slow to get out of the car. Anyway, he kept up his obnoxious performance and continued berating her. Even though we were the only car there.
It was all too much for me.
I opened the window and yelled out into the never-never, "Don't be so rude, you ******* ********!!!!!
Keep in mind that at this point I had only heard the guy's voice - I hadn't actually seen him.
Then I heard an "OH... MY.... GOD.....MUM!"
I looked in the rear vision mirror and saw a man striding towards me. His chest was puffed out, he had a scowl on his face, he was wearing a blue uniform, with shiny badges all over him. I had made a fatal error.
I had just yelled obscenities at a P -O -L -I -C -E O-F-F-I-C-E-R. A seemingly angry one at that.
He pulled the car door open and said, "Madam, what did you just say to me?"
I said, "Well you were being incredibly rude. And while I apologise for swearing I still think you shouldn't yell at people like that for no real reason". (Oh the irony...)
He yelled something back at me which was like waving a red flag to .........to an IDIOT.
Do you think I could have just left it there? Oh no, of course not. I was on a roll.
I sarcastically said in a very calm voice, "I cannot help it if you hate your job and have to take it out on us but go ahead and arrest me if it makes you feel more important. Oh, and by the way, have you just given up junk food as part of your New Years resolutions too because that would explain everything?"
From his seering reply it would appear that he didn't appear to like me very much and nor did he seem to have much time for New Year resolutions.
Thank goodness my sister pulled up with the handbag just in time for my daughter to board the plane and for me to avoid handcuffs.
The red faced police officer just waved the equally red faced me off with a whoosh of his hand.
So I figure that I need to stay close to home over the next couple of weeks. I've grounded myself until Day 21 and am laying low. Perhaps jail may have been the best option.
I am suitably remorseful and have now added never swear at public officials again on my ever growing list of resolutions.
There is a first time for everything but strangely swearing at a police officer wasn't on my list of 1001 things to do before I die. I can't imagine why.
Roll on Day 21.
And if anyone has any medication they would like to recommend, I am all ears (and all mouth too it would seem).