Thursday 15 January 2009

Stop hogging the headlines Apple, it's my turn

Reality sometimes has a habit of giving you a hard cold slap in the face.

Yesterday, I was laughing at Saundra because she was feeling old (she's but a baby) because her new doctor appeared to be fresh out of kindergarten. I’m with her. The accelerated learning fad, favoured by education systems the world over, has gone too far!

Anyway, I wasn't laughing today. I received two gifts in the mail.

Australia Post guarantees it always delivers and it does.

I just wish it was like other government agencies and never kept its promises.

First, was a letter from the Health Department. This is my plain English version of the letter.

Dear Madam,

We are writing to tell you that you are officially old.

Therefore, because we feel extremely sorry for you, please accept our gift of a MENOPAUSE KIT.

Apparently, Unfortunately, Regrettably, you are now in the age group where you may experience some rather uncomfortable symptoms that go along with Menopause. These symptoms can continue for up to ten years before you officially go through 'the change' and hopefully come out the other side in one piece
(the Kit doesn't tell you where you end up though...Italy via Mumbai maybe?)

Knowledge is power and there is no better knowledge than to know for sure that you have not developed a psychotic personality disorder but that you are merely in the midst of Peri-menopause.

Enjoy it with our pleasure!

I see, so do they really think that symptoms such as thinning hair, feeling like a furnace, sexual problems, sleeping problems, taking a peculiar interest in sharp surfaces when thinking about people that piss you off, sweating in your sleep like you have run a marathon and having more hair on your chin than on your head are going to go unnoticed? And not only that, but now they have explained the symptoms, they expect me to enjoy it when I finally succumb? Its like waiting for the bullet to hit.

Well, dear Government, thanks for your unsolicited concern about my advancing years but you are too flipping slow. I've had a morbid fascination with sharp objects for a while now! However, your gift is not wasted. I am regifting it to my family. They need to read the facts, not me. This way, the next time I turn into a screaming banshee, they will show me greater empathy and understanding. And keep their distance if I happen to be wielding something sharp!

My second gift is from my friend Sue. She lives in London.

We are competitive on the gift giving front. We aim for the weirdest gifts we can find.

I found her Christmas gift, called a Nose Up, while I was in Thailand. We both joke incessantly about wanting nose jobs. The packaging on the product says, In order to make your nose smaller, clearer, more beautiful and full of happiness, this product is necessary for your nose. Hard to resist a product that makes your nose happy.

However, her gift was incredible. Incredibly horrid.

It came with this note, Do you remember how I loved dissecting frogs in biology class and you used to hide under the desk screaming and holding your Save our Amphibian Friends sign? Here is your very own knitted frog dissection. All the organs are in place for your dissecting pleasure. Perfect.

She inhabits a curiously dark world this woman. Which I totally love.

She definitely won this round. Just wait...she has a birthday coming up...and...

And on other matters....

Even though my blogging friend Matt is going to win this, if you too want a job which pays over $100,000 USD to live for six months on an Australian island then read Matt's post.

Thanks to my blogging friend Eric from Ruminations of a Small Town Mountain Boy for nominating me for a Bloggers Award. What is it you want, Eric? A knitted frog? It's yours.

The image at the top of this post is my Batik painting - I took a class in Thailand. The instructor spoke no English and I spoke no Thai. We smiled a lot.

And I have just visited Braja's blog and she has also a post on Menopause. An excellent read.


  1. The nose up is hysterical!

    The frog? OOOOOOoooo grosss. I detest frogs and toads ...(my skin is crawling) eeeeccckkk !!!!

    What is that sound? Oh never mind..I think they are playing taps...LOL
    Your letter from the gvt was funnier than the nose up!

  2. As a knitter, let me say - That. Is. Awesome. I would so knit that if I had the pattern.

    The govt sends out menopause kits? I had no idea (just give me another ten years). Now if they sent out PMT kits, THAT would be useful. Well, useful for the people who have to deal with me at Lady Time. I'M fine but other people occasionally find me a little.... testy.

  3. I saw an article with pictures of a biologically-accurate knitted brain the other day. Now this! I wonder where you get these patterns from.

    And... I was considering whether to apply for that job... Matt can have it this year if I can take over from him! :)

  4. Lilly,

    At least your government sends you a menopause kit. Mine wouldnt know if got reincarnated as a prime minister or postman and came back....

    And please dont do anything to noses. Everything is cyclic and you never know. Non-pointy noses may simply come back in fashion , like its been happening with straight and curly hair.

    And yes, the batik design is wonderful ? Are u making a batik scarf or something. Keep making it bigger, and bring it with you on your trip to India en route to Italy. You can surely make a grand dress or top out of it here....

  5. Oh the kit story is hysterical (sorry)! Exactly what was in it? I like the idea of Italy being the other side of menopause. It gives us something positive to look forward to--LOL.

    And I must be warped because I think that frog is actually quite clever ;-)

    Love your Batik!

  6. HE he he he he he he he he he !!!! I want that frog. They send you kits in the mail? Least they show they care, HA!! You should have bought me one of those Nose ups too I really love that. It is weird. Loved your batik painting what are you going to turn it into? Or will you frame it?

  7. It sounds like the menopause letter and kit are a little friendlier than the warning on cigarettes.

    I love the dissected froggy, but have no desire to knit one or actually own one. I could use a Nose-Up, though.

  8. Oh Lilly how funny!! I must have rec'd one from the Australian Government as well, at my official Aussie address (my mum's). Well, good to know that they're looking out for their aging constituents, but unless that package included a Glock 9 and spare rounds, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

    I'm sorry, was I shouting then...???

  9. Was the menopause kit like the kit my mum got? She's "over 60" and got a DIY test for the National Bowel Cancer screening program - yes, "it" gets sent back in the mail - eww

    I love the frog, I could do a post about my uni frog dissection...

  10. @ The Muse - yeah I am with you on the frog, he he!!

    @ Femina - yes its a new trial thing they are doing in a similar way to the Cancer Screening tests they are doing. It is a good idea its just that I am sitting here waiting for it to hit me. You would knit that? Ohhhh

    @ Rachel - you go for that job - how much fun would it be besides they fly 11 people in to interview them anyway!

    @ Ugich - oh my, you are hilarious. No you are right they are taking a big interest in health issues. I joke but it says more about me having to take these things a little seriously than I may. Its a watershed moment maybe. Yes I am coming to see you hell or high water. The batik is actually on white cotton. So I am going to make it into a tablecloth. I loved doing it very much. I will have to post my daughters one she did sometime too. Hers was really good.

    @ Just a plane ride away - yes Italy is what I am channelling now. The Kit has educational materials, and samples and coupons for products to relieve menopause symptoms (no drugs).

    @ Sarah - so what is with the frog? Everyone wants one well if you are lucky one of you may get it!

    @ Hippnomatic Jen - yes, its true but you cant avoid going through this..Nose ups are hysterical. The strange thing though is why Asians would need them. They have small noses as it is...

    @ Braja - you were bloody yelling and I dont like what you had in your hand. Step away....I am not sure who is getting them and which States. Its all positive really, good on them. I am just in denial. Its like waiting for the gallows or something. I am hot, is it a hot flash or the fact the weather is 100 degrees in the shade. You get it. I choose to ignore.

    @ Dee, first go on do that then - a post on a uni frog dissection. Well to be honest the rats were way worse. You can get kits to see if you are in the throes of menopause this was more education related. I do know that the Bowel Cancer one is going to people who are turning 45, 50,55,65 before 2010. Now that one I think is a truly wonderful initiative. Oh I had no idea it gets sent back in the mail. Well maybe more people will particiapte that way.

  11. I laughed so hard when I saw that frog, and this menopause topic is very timely for me. First I'm hearing about peri-menopause too. I know what you mean, the government means well, but they could be a bit more tactful! Have to run, but I have to read this post again later, loved it.

  12. Too funny, You always have such a good humorous outlook. I like your knitted frog, but thanks NO.

    Your blog is going all bonkers again, and everything is way down at the bottom, including your badge for the bloggers choice award.

    so for all your commentators here's the link

    Go vote for Lilly.

  13. As you know , one is into limericks. This one just happened : ( I was going to give it world wide publicity on the limerick blog, but worry about you being bombarded with knitted frogs...)

    Liily from Canberra was barbecuing some stuff,
    A sudden knitted frog sent her off in a huff
    But Australia heard her roars,
    When she was stuck in automatic doors,
    Folks, this is someone who is real tough!

    P. S. Let me know if you want to have a World Premiere on the Limerick blog, and i can put a link to the frog post !

  14. Loved this post on menopause. How funny. The nose up was kind of fascinating. lol. I like frogs but would not want to dissect one for anything. I visited Eric's blog from June Saville's and voted for you for best blogging award. You deserve it. I love coming over here to see what you are into next.

  15. @ eric - oh really I wonder why it did that before with You Tube so I have taken them off and wonder whether its ok now.

    @ Ugich - yes that is so funny - go right ahead - put your site address on your comment so I know where to go and look at your limeriks!

    @ Judy - how sweet of you truly - thats lovely, Thank you.

  16. Lilly,

    You've just become world famous.

    See :

  17. Great Post Lilly. Too funny the gifts. My sister and I do that. Except we go for the uglyist. (hold your ears Braja) She gave me a purple cow with vividly painted flowers all over it. So, this year she got a blue deer, with red stripe socks and a fox painted on the side..along with Joy painted on the fox...LOL my sisters name is Joy. Who could resist that! I will have to post these you will have a good laugh!

  18. Morning, Lillyness! Oh, how I love your paining! You're a funny girl today! Loved hearing about your letter! Now the nose contraption - looks painful!
    Be a sweetie and thanks for the visit.
    Shelia ;)

  19. You know I need that nose thingy too.

    My gosh your government is so thoughtful LOL!

  20. You hit all the spots today, Lilly, I'm still laughing and these days we can use all of those we can get. Have to admit that menopause visited me and left quickly without a lot of hoohah and came really LATE! Love the frog and the nose up! now those are gifts to share without a doubt.

  21. Who would make something like that frog?? Or for that matter buy it? But I guess someone did...
    The world never ceases to amaze me! :)
    And a kit for menopause? Never heard of that before either. I guess I do live at the end of the earths.... :)

  22. I love that frog! Such an interesting gift. :)

    Gotta love the government too.

  23. Okay...this may be over the top, but I came across a book being sold on the net called, "Cooking with Semen" Maybe a good revenge gift?? I don't know...made me kinda gaggy just to see the cover.

  24. Check out my blog for the nasty details.

  25. Lilly
    Police officiers and Doctors. Thats how you know you're getting old. If they seem to young to you. You're old.

  26. Hi Lilly,
    You made me laugh throughout, so thank you for making my day. Does your government actually have such a program for the menopausal women of Australia? As far as I know, we don't have that here in the U.S.

    I love your batik work of art. Very pretty. Stay far away from those sharp objects. Hee, hee.


  27. Hmmmm - I was just watching an episode of The New Adventures of Old Christine - Elaine from Seinfeld thought she was going through menopause. Good stuff. I'm so glad I have something to look forward to. Yuck!

  28. Love the nose up but the frog that is so, so strange. What are people on when coming up with their ideas. Mind you its a funny gift though and definitely weird.

  29. I read this and simultaneously got a hot flash? Coicidence? I think not.

    Love, Old Julie

  30. @ Old Julie - you never fail to make me smile..

  31. That frog is perfect. I love it. Oh, and the menopause kit. Seriously, WTH?

  32. That's the kind of dissecting I could have got into back in school. LOL. I'd say your London friend definitely won that round!

    "taking a peculiar interest in sharp surfaces when thinking about people that piss you off, sweating in your sleep like you have run a marathon"
    --Oh yes, my wife complains about those things! Too funny or is it tragic?

  33. Thank you so much for visiting my Blog today & Laughing with me.
    Come back anytime.

  34. Hey Lilly I'm baack! Read and commented earlier on your great post today. But I Wanted to invite you to com'on over.I wanted to share with you whenever you have a moment. :-)

  35. I remember years ago some actress/singer (barbara strisand?..madonna?)
    somebody...was on some day time talk show and said she was looking forward to menapause and coudn't wait. It was 26 degrees out side..I had the door open,the air conditioner on full blast and I was standing in front of it buck nekkid with sweat running off my body and down my finger tips..if i could have reached thru the tv set and snapped her neck..i would have...eeeek

  36. that frog is awesome! the nose--well dosnt picking it in certain directions help move it around where you want it? LOL

    Ohhh the menopause-I'm having symptons again and I hate it..just hate it. I literally hide knives in my house and I am on the quest for the perfect ladies flask for some irish whiskey to store for when I want to smash someones face in. Oh and i did find a neat flask--but I didnt have the stupid 20 minutes to have my name engraved on it--THAT p....ed me off lol

  37. Lilly,
    Menopause - grrrrrr ! What a letter from the Health Dept ! I'm in the middle of it, sigh...

    Your friend Sue's present of that frog cracked me up :)

  38. OH MAN!! that knitted dissected frog just kills me. That is so funny i want one of those. They should have just had those for kids with weak stomaches. I would have prefferd that insted. :) Oh the answer for your question on the flip flops in my post...... The winters in utah can get pretty cold, but everyone keeps changing the styles on shoes and that irritates the crap out of me when the shoe finally is at its wits end they dont sale them anymore, well to get to the point no matter how many times i wear flip flops and if they get torn or worn there is ALWAYS FLIP FLOPS. :)

  39. Your government sends you a kit??? What a lovely gift. And the knitted frog has to be the most freakishly funny thing I've seen in forever! Who decided to knit a disected frog...and I'd like to know where they live so I can stay far far away!

  40. Very funny! If you are old, I'm ancient!

  41. That's an honest to goodness gross looking dissected frog! But wow such talent! I'm impressed but gotta look away now b4 I puke!

    Zen Ventures
    Golden Flower Creations

  42. @ Darsden - I checked out your site and it's hilarious - I want that cow, maybe next Christmas?

    @ Shelia - still haven't got over seeing your table display.

    @ Jade - hmmm it is a bit nasy hey?

    @ Sylvia - well that is what I like to hear. I am just going to ignore it and keep healthy and see what happens.

    @ Betty - oh really? I was going to send you one of these soon. Has Flat Stanley arrived yet - I am getting worried....

    @ Blue Castle - yeah I actually like the govenment better than the frog. Strange I know...

  43. You rock. Plain and simple. I just can't get enough!

  44. Not sure about the menopause thing because from where I sit any adult women may have some or all of those symptoms. Progressive government though it would seem. I want one of those frogs too as I have fond memories of my science classes too. Yes, she won she really beat your arse this time. next time let us help you. I think Tiffany's book she found is both shocking and perfect for Sue's next present!

  45. LOVE the nose. However, I do quite like breathing, so I would probably have issues with this. It does look like a great anti-snoring device, though!

    I would so be applying for the Queensland job, but first I need to know how big your spiders are??? lol

    I was explaining to my delightful husband the other day as he complained about his 'belly': "Men get a big belly and lose their hair. Women get fat and grow a beard." He thought the beard thing was hysterical. Asshole. lol

  46. @ Rhonda - ok well I am going to devote the next post to your question. So tell me how big are the spiders there? Gosh you make me laugh and slap your husband for me will you. I am not looking forward to a beard.

  47. Lilly, I left you some follow up questions to your fascinating comment. Thx.

  48. Menopause... so far, so good. If no one ever told me it was invented, I'd never know it existed. I just hope it stays that way!

  49. @ Tiffany - Oh my I just saw it on your blog woo hoo!!

    @ Cleo - ok then I am old

    @ Tasha - yes they are doing some trial or other. They do it with other diseases as well. Notice I say it like menopause is a disease? Thanks for dropping by.

    @ Carmen - you have years before you need to consider this - forget it!

    @ Banoffi - yep Tiffany is on to a good thing!

    @ Julie - HA HA HA HA! Pure coincidence!

    @ Summer - you have a few years up your sleeve too - BUT ITS COMING TO GET YOU!!

    @ Mmmmm - your wife doesn't follow your comments then I take it? Don't turn round then, she is the one standing behind you with the knife!!

    @ Star Forbis - thanks for dropping by! Yes delightful frog isnt it?

    @ Darsden - Loved the cow. In fact I want to swap you for the mouse!!

  50. This must be a new thing,because I sure as heck didn't get one of these letters.

  51. @ River - yes its a trial to make women smile one by one..

    @ Vega Lindy Lou - thats what I like to hear!

    @ For Myself - thanks, so sweet always. Appreciate it.

  52. Lilly, I would have like to have been a fly on the wall when you got your "package" in the mail. I agree with you, though, that maybe one's family might be the more appropriate recipients of such a package so they can morre fully understand what it is for. lol

    I think the nose clip thingy is very interesting. I can imagine people really thnking it will work and wearing in the evenings at dinner, and when they go to bed. I guess if there is a market for an item, no matter how crazy, someone will make one and sell it.

    Really funny post, Lilly, as usual. Thanks so much for the link, I still haven't been able to get through to the site to apply because so many people are trying to do the same thing. Foolish people, don't they know I am perfect for this job!

  53. @ Matt - I hope you do apply. seriously. They have to pick at least 11 people so who knows?

  54. Can't post on the other one - that big hairy thing scares the be-heck out of me!

    Ok - you went to UNE too???

    Crikey!! This is SUCH a small world!!

  55. And I thought those knitted tampons were the, that frog has even those beat! Great friend!!!

  56. thanks for stopping by my blog today.

    I think I'd want the nose up for a different reason. For those times when you are changing a very stinky diaper it would come in quite handy to block out the odor. :)

  57. That gift giving thing the two of you have - hilarious. And the comment on the nose-clip:Anti-germ and stink proof! Who the hell is coming up with stuff like that?
    I ignore your marvelous piece about Menopause! Don't want to know, don't want to... am I repeating myself?

  58. I am glad you said that!!!

  59. Great read! I want to see a follow up to this topic?!?


  60. I wonder what Araceli can do about this!!!

  61. Hey, I am checking this blog using the phone and this appears to be kind of odd. Thought you'd wish to know. This is a great write-up nevertheless, did not mess that up.

    - David

  62. Hello. And Bye.


Thanks for your comments.