Reality sometimes has a habit of giving you a hard cold slap in the face.
Yesterday, I was laughing at Saundra because she was feeling old (she's but a baby) because her new doctor appeared to be fresh out of kindergarten. I’m with her. The accelerated learning fad, favoured by education systems the world over, has gone too far!
Anyway, I wasn't laughing today. I received two gifts in the mail.
Australia Post guarantees it always delivers and it does.
I just wish it was like other government agencies and never kept its promises.
First, was a letter from the Health Department. This is my plain English version of the letter.
We are writing to tell you that you are officially old.
Therefore, because we feel extremely sorry for you, please accept our gift of a MENOPAUSE KIT.
Apparently, Unfortunately, Regrettably, you are now in the age group where you may experience some rather uncomfortable symptoms that go along with Menopause. These symptoms can continue for up to ten years before you officially go through 'the change' and hopefully come out the other side in one piece (the Kit doesn't tell you where you end up though...Italy via Mumbai maybe?)
Knowledge is power and there is no better knowledge than to know for sure that you have not developed a psychotic personality disorder but that you are merely in the midst of Peri-menopause.
Enjoy it with our pleasure!
I see, so do they really think that symptoms such as thinning hair, feeling like a furnace, sexual problems, sleeping problems, taking a peculiar interest in sharp surfaces when thinking about people that piss you off, sweating in your sleep like you have run a marathon and having more hair on your chin than on your head are going to go unnoticed? And not only that, but now they have explained the symptoms, they expect me to enjoy it when I finally succumb? Its like waiting for the bullet to hit.
Well, dear Government, thanks for your unsolicited concern about my advancing years but you are too flipping slow. I've had a morbid fascination with sharp objects for a while now! However, your gift is not wasted. I am regifting it to my family. They need to read the facts, not me. This way, the next time I turn into a screaming banshee, they will show me greater empathy and understanding. And keep their distance if I happen to be wielding something sharp!
My second gift is from my friend Sue. She lives in London.
We are competitive on the gift giving front. We aim for the weirdest gifts we can find.
I found her Christmas gift, called a Nose Up, while I was in Thailand. We both joke incessantly about wanting nose jobs. The packaging on the product says, In order to make your nose smaller, clearer, more beautiful and full of happiness, this product is necessary for your nose. Hard to resist a product that makes your nose happy.
However, her gift was incredible. Incredibly horrid.
It came with this note, Do you remember how I loved dissecting frogs in biology class and you used to hide under the desk screaming and holding your Save our Amphibian Friends sign? Here is your very own knitted frog dissection. All the organs are in place for your dissecting pleasure. Perfect.
She inhabits a curiously dark world this woman. Which I totally love.
She definitely won this round. Just wait...she has a birthday coming up...and...
And on other matters....
Even though my blogging friend Matt is going to win this, if you too want a job which pays over $100,000 USD to live for six months on an Australian island then read Matt's post.
Thanks to my blogging friend Eric from Ruminations of a Small Town Mountain Boy for nominating me for a Bloggers Award. What is it you want, Eric? A knitted frog? It's yours.
The image at the top of this post is my Batik painting - I took a class in Thailand. The instructor spoke no English and I spoke no Thai. We smiled a lot.
And I have just visited Braja's blog and she has also a post on Menopause. An excellent read.