NEW IDEA claims it had NO IDEA

Some how I think the Queen is going to say, off with their heads, to the pathetic team at the Australian magazine, New Idea, who published the fact that Prince Harry was currently deployed in Afghanistan. When there is meant to be a media blackout in place.

Why don't you make it easy for the Taliban you idiots? Why don't you make him and his fellow soldiers a sitting duck and a prize target? He already had specific threats on his head as it was. Did you print the map to his actual location per chance? Why not stick a crown on his head instead of his helmet perhaps? Make it obvious who he is. Bullseye.

As if soldiers doing the job they've been signed up by their political masters wasn't dangerous enough? Oh let's not think about the real victims in this, the civilians.

The Editor claims they didn't know there was an embargo on the story. Right, that excuse is about as believable as the magazine's recent stories that Britney is pregnant with triplets, Nicole Kidman has been pregnant for two long years and Angelina is pregnant with Chinese and Polish twins.

The hilarious thing is that everyone assumes their stories are rubbish so when the Harry story appeared two weeks ago no-one raised an eyebrow. Everyone except, a German publication that picked it up and the story suddenly grew arms and legs.

A change in magazine title is required pronto to NO IDEA!! Plus, if you see the Queen and a sword coming anywhere near you soon, I would run. Simply because it won't mean what you think it does....

DID YOU KNOW?

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.

Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

A cockroach can live without its head for an entire week

In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

Car airbags kill 1 person for every 22 lives that they save.

Cell phones have more bacteria and germs than public restroom toilet seats.

2 out of 5 people live in China or India.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it...

No, I didn't know any of these and there is probably a damn good reason why. However, I am going to tuck them away in my memory and when I am out somewhere and need to start a conversation, change the subject or throw a spanner in the works, I will trot out one or two. Just for the hell of it. I have to say I am most disturbed about the lipstick - there is obviously so much I need to learn (I am going to investigate that one and let you know).

The ORBITREK vs FREEDOM

Each year 30,000 people are apparently seriously injured by exercise equipment.

As of today, I can tell you why that is the case. It's not because people hurt themselves while using the equipment. It's because they injure themselves while stepping over or around their unused, dust covered stuff that has been slowly breeding since time began.

I tripped over my Orbitrek (yes, I was impressed with the name too when I ordered it) which was filed neatly in the corner for use at a later date (along with all the other bits n pieces of equipment I have bought with the purest of intentions).

Along with the Orbitrek, I have the Abbuster, the exercise bike, numerous weights, the Rock n Roll stepper and the rowing machine.........plus...well, that's all I'm admitting to anyway.

I may have overindulged with home exercise equipment but it's not like you can try before you buy and every time the Biggest Loser comes on it inspires me to shape up. For a while, that is, until the novelty wears off.

Besides, when you see it advertised it looks so easy to use. I mean if Elle McPherson uses it then...... I know they are stretching the truth but I choose to ignore this in the hope that one day they really will be telling it like it is. Miracles happen don't they? (Speaking of which, Obama, if the whole Presidency thing falls through for you, I can tell you, you'd be really great at selling Orbitreks....)

Well falling on my a$$ today, was a reminder that all this stuff is just cluttering up my life. It's got to go. Look on eBay if you want some really cool things, which have really weird names and which promise miracles for the fat, unfit and downhearted.

I'm walking these days and intend to leave fancy machines, with all their empty promises, behind. I only need me and my shoes. Far less dangerous this way. Plus, I have nothing or no-one else to blame but myself if it all goes pear shaped.

MAGIC!

When I was in Singapore once I saw these words on the side of a building, advertising what I do not know. I wrote them down because they reminded me how music affects each and everyone one of us, regardless of our personal tastes.

• Music opens up your mind
• Performance finds you inspiration
• Craftsmanship takes your breath away
• That's when you know it's MAGIC!

Whenever I listen to the late Eva Cassidy, I always think of these words. Her combination of vocal beauty, emotional expressiveness and an intuitive sense of phrasing does indeed create magic. Listen to Eva singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow and you will understand what I mean. Your troubles really will melt like lemon drops....

What does your car say about you?

Well, after today, I am not so sure.

My mother, bought herself a bright red sporty looking car with a rear spoiler, mag wheels and the works. I went for a test drive and I was amazed to see the number of young males who turned their heads to admire her new set of wheels. I haven't had that kind of attention for a while ( ok, ok, a long, long while, if you must know). Even if they were only looking at the car.

I was shocked with her purchase to be honest. Simply because I couldn't imagine a woman of her more mature years buying a car like this. It just seemed so out of character.

After thinking about it some more, I think I have worked out why she bought this particular car.

Society often deems women, of a certain age, to be past it. It's as if, once the muu muu years hit, women should give up on life, stay home, take up knitting, bake cookies for the grand kids and basically just disappear into old age waiting for death to knock on their door. Look at Hillary Clinton after all. She's only 60 but apparently she's too old and has too many crows feet to take on the biggest job in the world (despite how geriatric some of the male candidates are).

According to the popular media, she is a woman first, of a certain age second, a wife third and an accomplished candidate fourth. Why is it we have certain tapes running through our head, perpetuated by the media, that tell us how we should compartmentalise people depending on their age, race and sex. It's wrong. We need to stop those tapes from playing, permanently.

Why do we assume people should act or even look a certain way when they are 20, 40, 60 or 80? How does one feel a number exactly? The answer is that of course you can't. We may look older but we don't necessarily feel any older.

Like Hillary, my Mum just didn't get the memo about what she should be doing at this time in her life except living it in the best way she knows how. That is, living life on her terms. My mother is certainly making a statement with this car. I think she is saying loud and clear that she is full of zest, energy, ambition, life, drive and bravery. And, better still, full of surprises.

In fact, the person she has always been despite the grey hair and the number on her last birthday cake!

Way to go Mum! I think its the perfect car for you, afterall.

On a side note, any women feeling depressed and down should hire a red sports car just for the weekend. I promise you it will do great things for your self confidence and morale! A fabulous investment wouldn't you say?

Message from your Mother - about SUCCESS

Sometimes something happens which either forces you, or at least encourages you, to take a good hard look at the meaning of life. Your life.

The universe gave me a big hard slap in the face in recent times. I must not have been paying attention as well as I should have. It forced me to really examine what was important to me and what direction I wanted to take my life.

I have learnt that a successful life cannot be measured in numbers. A hefty bank account is a nice thing and a wall full of awards may impress your dinner guests but they are signs of a successful career not a successful life. Your career is not your life. It may be a large part of it, and that's ok, as long as you've balanced it alongside your personal relationships, leisure time and a healthy dose of perspective. But, if your desire to succeed has become all consuming, eclipsed all else and prevented you from truly enjoying every day, then you have missed the proverbial boat. You are not really living.

If you want to measure how successful your life is, then answer the following questions honestly and you will get a clear picture.

Do you have stable, drama-free personal relationships?
Do you laugh out loud every day?
Do you make time in your day for leisure?
Do you sleep well at night?
Do you reward yourself for your own successes?
Do you make the most of your surroundings?
Are you able to trust people?
Do you enjoy doing nothing?
Are you able to love freely?
Are you able to be affectionate?
Do you live without fear?
Do you take responsibility for building a brighter future?
Do you contribute to society in a positive way?
Do you make choices for the good of everyone and not just yourself?

It doesn't come easily or necessarily naturally, but its a conscious choice we have to live our life in a positive way which will not only benefit us but those around us.

Notice: This post was not sponsored by The Church of Scientology nor inspired by The Secret, Oprah or Dr Phil.

I'm F***ing Ben Affleck

A long-running fake ‘war’ between actor Matt Damon and American talk show host Jimmy Kimmel has blossomed into a star-studded online feud, with the two celebrities creating ever more elaborate and insulting music videos ridiculing each other.

WATCH & READ THE STORY HERE it's hilarious! Revenge is so sweet, particularly when Brad Pitt is involved.

Eat, drink and what was that again?

Talking about Mississipi restaurants got me thinking about some of the strangest dining venues I have been to over the years. More in terms of their location and decore than the food they served.

In Bangkok I went to a restaurant called Cabbages & Condoms. It is dedicated to birth control and AIDS awareness. The name reflects the owner's belief that condoms should be as accessible as produce. Condoms and sex toys are a major part of the decor. All diners get a condom with coffee, instead or an after-dinner mint. Much healthier anyway!

Then in London I went to a place called Dans Le Nuit - french for Dine in the Dark. Seriously, you sit in pitch black and eat your meal. It also has a lit bar and a lounge for drinks before and after your meal. A real experience and quite funny. Least you get to play with the food with your fingers if you want and not be put off by which piece of cutlery you should be using. It puts the focus back on the taste of food. Try it at home! Trust the chef though!

In Vascone, Italy I went to the smallest restaurant in the world, Sole per Due. It offers a romantic table for two. Perfect. You must like the company of the person with you though otherwise it could be a very long night.

There are some other restaurants I want to go to ....one day .....all these are on my list

The Ithaa Undersea at the Hilton, Maldives. This restaurant sits five meters below seal level in the Indian Ocean. The aquarium-style restaurant allows you to take in 360 degree views of reef and marine life. The restaurant is small (it only seats 12). Let's hope they don't serve seafood on the menu!

The B.E.D. Restaurant in Miami, Fla. B.E.D. stands for Beverage, Entertainment and Dining. If you go, don't look for a sign, there isn't one. B.E.D. is not marked except for the street number and the logo hidden on the mat outside. How many times have you ever been in a situation where you just want to lie down after a great meal and relax - now you can.

ICE HOTEL, Sweden - while the entire hotel is actually made from ice, fortunately for diners, the restaurant is not. However, for an arctic feel, the ice theme is carried through by serving many dishes on ice plates. I guess they serve cold platters then!


And, here is one that is really unique but I am not sure I could stomach this -

The Hadaka Sushi in Hollywood, Calif. Diners eat sashimi or sushi from the body of a woman or male "serving dish." Seriously. And don't worry the food is served on banana leaves and never touches the model's skin ...mmmm I see. Somehow I don't think diners would have much of an appetite given the distractions.

Hey Fatso, yes I'm talking to you.........

get outta here.

Remind me never to go to Mississippi. Fat folk may get banned from eating in public. It won't be thoughts of, wonder what's on the menu but rather, hope I'm thin enough to get in the front door! Can you imagination the walk of shame when you are rejected at the door. No food, for you fatso!! Come back when you've dropped some pounds...

That's right. If you live in the great state of Mississippi and you have a body mass index BMI of 30 or more, you may be denied service at restaurants soon. There is a bill working its way through the Mississippi House of Representatives now that would require restaurants to refuse to serve patrons who are obese.

BMIs would be taken of customers and they would be weighed at the door. The state's Department of Health would be responsible for enforcing compliance, and would revoke business permits for those dining establishments that violated the legislation. Wow....that's kind of scary although understandably, the bill is not expected to be passed.

It seems that we, the masses, need to be shepherded through life by Big Brother lest we veer off into a dangerous realm of personal responsibility and free will. Do you really reckon that is going to stop the problem? That's like banning ugly people from beauty salons, well people from hospitals, bulimics from restrooms, anorexics from the gym, movie stars from the papparazzi, or people with no dress sense from designer boutiques.

Fat is unhealthy we know. It has and will continue to have a huge drain on our health resources. We do need to do something. It's about being educated and learning how to be self sufficient. It's about having self respect. Its about food suppliers providing healthy produce at reasonable prices. I mean look at France, the French eat out all the time and how many fat people do you see there? Everything in moderation.

Don't ban fat people, ban fast food chains and mass produced super sized crap! How is what they are doing any different from distributing poison? For profit, no less. People get addicted in the same way they do any other illegal substances. Good food needs to be affordable. Tax fast food so it becomes a luxury.

Yes, McFattys Restaurant chain I'm looking right at YOU!!!!!!

POMPEII MAGIC - How far have we really come?

The most interesting place in the world I ever visited was the ruins of Pompeii. If you ever get a chance, make the trip as you will not regret it for a second. Well over 2,000 years ago those 20,000 inhabitants lived a pretty damn good life before the volcano wiped them out. They had heated baths, gyms, gorgeous gardens, 9 brothels, take away food shops, amphitheatres, markets, great artworks, servants, lovely homes. It really is incredible to see that we have not come very far at all. So, if they had all 'that' many, many, many lifetimes ago, how come, other than being able to put a man on the moon, we haven't been able to solve the real issues of the day. Well, like inventing ladderless tights, non-iron clothes, an anti cellulite solution THAT works, two hour flights to Europe and fat free chocolate. And you thought I was going to ask for world peace and a cure for Cancer.........I am not that stupid. We can only do that if we get rid of greedy men in the banking, pharmaceutical and media industries. I guess, that's what natural disasters are for.....

Message from your Mother

Fortuitously, I heard over the radio this morning, some interesting facts about lack of sleep. I am sure there are many of you who burnt the candle at both ends over the weekend and may appreciate the insight.

So, if you feel kind of tired and out of it there is no wonder. Scientists (notice how they never give names just in case you want to argue the point or knock on their door for more details) say that having less than six hours sleep over two consecutive nights will leave you feeling (on Monday morning usually) like you have had three very large (and I mean very large) alcoholic drinks for breakfast. That's right, feeling generally blah, woozy and finding it impossible to concentrate.

Just thought you would like to know......and oh yes, I think you just might know who you are......

You realise life is just not fair

when you see pictures of Brad and Angelina......

Why is it

that all those products offered by the shopping channels look way more appealing in the early hours of the morning, when you can't sleep and you decide to turn on the TV for a minute or two. Two hours later, you're stretched out in comfort on the couch, looking glorious in your night attire, snacks at hand, oohing and ahhing at all the wonderful treasures that you just can't live without.......

That may explain why those leopard skin binoculars with the built in camera, which looked like the must have accessory of the century last night, look decidedly dodgy this morning ....... I can only hope that I look that appealing in the twilight zone as well...........because I have just looked in the mirror and I'm not looking so promising in the cruel light of day..either. Better get some sleep tonight..and hide the remote control, just in case...

A little ray of shunshine

Something about this face makes me smile....a baby ray

Stress Free???

Fat free, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, salt free, wheat free......absolutely taste free .........and now there's stress free. Food can now make you less stressed?

I kid you not. I have never seen this listed on food labels before. I went to open my yogurt today and it hit me between the eyes. The yogurt is not only stress free but it's 100% stress free. I wonder if there is a money back guarantee because just the sight of those words caused my blood pressure to rise.

'Oh my god', I screamed, 'you have to see this'. The dog looked at me with a level of disdain that was crippling. I think his lack of interest in the boring, sugar free, gluten free, vanilla yogurt gave me the answer. He always comes through. I guess there is not a lot about the bland taste of yogurt to get your heart racing.

It's a wonder the marketing gurus have not been having palpitations about all the possibilities of stress free food advertising. There is a huge target market after all.

According to the American Psychological Association

- 43% of adults suffer from adverse health effects from stress

- 75-90% of all doctor's office visits are for stress related aliments and complaints

- stress in linked to the six leading causes of death - heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

- $300 billion annually is lost due to employee absenteeism, reduced productivity and worker's compensation benefits.

Stress is neither a symbol of status nor an indication of your importance. It is merely a one way ticket to high blood pressure, jangled nerves, exhaustion, emotional instability or a heart attack. These are not pleasurable things so stress is best to be avoided at all costs.

Being stress free is a definite status symbol.

It's only a matter of time before we see McD's bringing out their stress free line or is that what the Happy Meal is meant to be all about.

Personally, I am thinking the only way food can be stress free is if you plant it, grow it and cook it yourself. Just need to go out and buy me a cow to make my own yogurt.....then again, there are all different kinds of stress..........I think I will just quit reading the labels for a while....it will cause me less stress that way.. .....

Keep it real on Facebook

On Facebook you can find sites for Sarkozy, Bush and Blair as well as sports stars and film stars - all a joke. Unfortunately for a Moroccan 27 year old computer engineer, the joke has back fired. He registered a false internet Facebook profile as King Mohammed VI's brother.

He was sentenced to 3 years in jail for his troubles. Asked why he had set up a Facebook profile under the name of Prince Moulay Rachid, the king's younger brother, Mourtada had replied: "I admire him, I like him a lot and I have never caused him any wrong, it was just a joke. I am innocent."

Amnesty consider him a 'prisoner of opinion'. Oops, sometimes it seems it's best to keep your opinions to yourself. Harsh!

Brunch Today for Friends

Brunch with Cranberry and Peach Sunrise, Bircher Muesli, Asparagus with ham, eggs and garlic crumbs, Mushrooms with haloumi, tomatoes and spinach and Caramelised onion and olive toasts

Sultana and Cranberry Scones with lashings of strawberry cream

And me on my diet.......

The best advice my mother ever gave me......she said

We keep our lives in our handbags so whatever you do, always choose a beautiful life.......

Global warming

A row of frozen benches, a cafe and a waterfall in Greece.

Beauty Shop in China?

I read today that 81% of females wear makeup every day, 18% sometimes and 1% never. I am one of the 81 per cent but you may have read my previous blog on my obsession with facepaint.

• The average woman has 189 beauty products.
• We spend on average of $3,000 a year on makeup and beauty products.
• The Beauty business alone is worth 4 billion in Australia, 56 billion in the US.
• Seven out of ten of us don't have a clue what the ingredients are in the products we buy.

I started to wonder just how many products I have. As it turns out, I have stashes. I am a makeupaholic. I have it hidden all over the house - in the bathroom, bedroom, car and in handbags, makeup cases, the garage.......and maybe under my bed if I had to be perfectly honest.

How many females are there in China? Well I am sure I could accommodate them nicely. I am not your average woman it seems. I have more than enough products to set up my own Beauty Shop for millions of people.

I love the packaging and the free gifts but more importantly I love the products that really work. They are few and far between. I go through fads but I have a few products that I have used for many years. I am not loyal to particular brands either. That comes from having trained as a make-up artist. I got to see the products up close and personal. I use, and have tried, every brand there is.

These are the TOP TEN beauty products I would not be without (well, unless I died or there was a natural disaster).

1. Ultraceuticals Professional Sun block SPF30
I wear sun block every day, rain, hail or shine. It's probably, along with water, the best thing you can do for yourself. I have only one condition of purchase, it cannot be too greasy - which many of them are.

2. Clarins Radiance Plus Self Tanning Cream-Gel for the face.
Whenever I use this, I feel like I just got back from the Caribbean (by the way, I've never just gotten back from the Caribbean, but I can dream). Every time I wear it someone will comment on how healthy I look. This is a great product for people with deathly pale complexions as it's very natural looking.

3. YSL Touché Éclat
This product has bestseller written all over it - and for good reasons. Sold somewhere in the world every 20 seconds, I do not leave the house without this in my bag. Launched more than 10 years ago, the brush-tipped pen, which subtly covers dark circles and blemishes, is still the beauty industry's pièce de resistance. It really is magic wand!!!!! It disguises the heaviest bags under your eyes and is great as a base for eye shadow and making your lips look bigger too!

4. Clarins Beauty Flash Balm
Radiance-boosting products are all the rage now, but when this glow-getting cream launched 20 years ago, it was the first of its kind and caused an absolute stir. Still going strong, this flowery-smelling, peachy pink gel-cream gives skin a real, obvious, visible glow. A thin layer in the morning makes skin look moist again and diminishes face fatigue. I also use it as a face mask, layered on thick whilst soaking in the tub, and then wash it off with ice-cold water. On average, 1800 tubes are sold per day, throughout the world.

5. Christian Dior Diorshow Mascara Waterproof
This formula is for ultra-thick and long lashes, and includes a nice big brush. The more, the better! Maybelline mascaras – are also excellent.

6. BeneFit Dandelion Blusher
I put just a quick swipe of this subtly shimmering powder over cheekbones, brows and the bridge of the nose and it never looks out of place with, or without, a tan. Another great blush is Chanel’s Incognito.

7. Ella Bache Masque Soir de Fête
A skin beautifying “pick me up” mask that is ideal to use before a special occasion. Known as the “party mask”, it smooths skin features and leaves an instant glow. Perfect as a treatment before make-up application. It can be used on sensitive skin as chamomile and allantoin soothe the skin and reduce any redness or blotchiness.

8. Chanel Le Vernis Rouge Noir
Synonymous with ultimate coolness, thanks to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, this deep, dark and sultry shade of red has remained on beauty wish-lists ever since and has been copied a million times over. But if you've glanced down at fingers and toenails recently, you'll realise that everyone's caught on now, so it's no longer cool and cult. Chanel, being the glorious makeup makers that they are, make the best nail polish colours and Flamme Rose – a subtle, slightly peach, slightly pink, slightly nude shade – is also fantastic.

9. Chanel No 5 Perfume
One of the most famous perfumes in the world, this all-time classic was my very first perfume. I have others that I use but if I only had one choice this would be my selection. Every time I put it on it reminds me of places, people and events. It is really a classic.

10. Phillips Sonic Electric Toothbrush and floss
Electric toothbrushes are great whichever one you get. Your teeth and gums will love you for it and you will be doing something positive for your smile and your health. Don't forget the floss.

Finally my favourite website to shop for my makeup is http://www.strawberrynet.com/
I tend to avoid the stores and the sales people this way but its essential you know what you are looking for before you purchase the products.

Let me know what your favourite products are because maybe we could come up with a definitive list of the best products of all time.

All Men may have been created equal but

it seems women were not!

If its not enough to know your chances of growing up beautiful, brainy and humane partly depend on which end of the gene pool you lurk, researchers have just discovered that while the G spot does exist, not everyone has it. Ah right, don't tell me, I bet it comes with the long legs, killer bodies, blonde hair and blue eyes right????

Interesting anyway.

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink

I had my water cut off for a few days this week, not because I didn't pay my bill but because they were fixing drains or something in the neighborhood.

There is nothing like being deprived of something you consider essential to make you wake up and smell the roses. Being totally without water was the pits. It also made me realise how much water I actually use. I couldn't flush, shower, fill the kettle, wash my hands, do washing or brush my teeth in the way I normally would.

I live in one of the driest continents on earth and I thought I was quite aware of the ramifications of over using water. Problem was, I just didn't know what it was really like to live without water for a period of time. I am now going to be far more rigorous. Because quite frankly, I don't want to grow old and be without water. I don't want to have to bathe in a bucket or carry water from a stream in pots on my head or wash my clothes in the local lake. It's not the quality of life that I had hoped to have in my muu muu years.

Degradation of our planet and global warming are real issues not just political rhetoric. However, there are occasions when the 'Save the Environment' messages go in one ear and out the other. Time I grew up and listened properly. I now realise more than ever that I need to be responsible and make more of a contribution to saving the planet. There is nothing like personal vanity to make a girl change her ways.

Here are some tips to do your own bit to save the planet.

Clinton, Obama and Bush

all come from disadvantaged groups.

Much has been made of the fact that the United States could soon have its first female or black President. It does show real progress.

But, people are forgetting that the current President also comes from a disadvantaged minority group. Which one in particular I will let you decide. The only choices left are intellectually disabled or gay.

View this and make up your mind. It's very clear really.

Search and You Will Find

Search and You Will Find is a soap opera I am writing (for fun) using phrases, questions and words that people Google and strangely end up my blog. Everything in italics are my words, the rest is owned by the best script writers in the world, the people searchers of the Internet. And you thought life was dull. Well it seems for some people, it clearly is not.

In the first episode we meet TREY, the handsome, debonair plastic surgeon who is married, in the loosest possible sense, to the beautiful but fragile SELINA, a former cocktail waitress. We also meet Selina's sister TWILIGHT, a rather mixed up and over surguried up and coming fashion designer who is married to 55 year old retired Formulae One driver, BLADE. Oh and did I mention the gorgeous pool boy, 18 year old JACK?

TREY and SELINA are relaxing on lounges on a hot Sunday afternoon by their spectacular pool. Music plays softly in the background.

Trey: Sighs contentedly. Sometimes Sel, I think life is too good to be true.

Selina: Groans and puts her drink down on the table beside her. Well, that's because you just can’t handle the truth about your life! You are so in denial, Trey! It’s like you are wearing a lampshade on your head. Too much white powder has clearly affected your brain.

Trey: Exasperated. Why are you so uptight Selina? You need to chill out and stop worrying. And while I’m at it, I've had enough of your ridiculous questions. You ask way too many questions for a normal person.

Selina: Trey, why don’t you remind me to try and suck a little less every day. You kill me with your put downs. Besides, you are the last person who has a right to judge what’s normal. Out with it then, what kind of weird questions have I asked you in the last week?

Trey: Laughs loudly in a mocking way. Questions? I could write a book. How about, if you run backwards will you gain weight? Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed? Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Does double sided tape hide fat? How do I get Angelina’s .....

He is interrupted by the persistant ringing of the doorbell. He slowly slides off the deck chair, wraps a towel around his waist and heads towards the house.
Trey: Muttering to himself. Why does a man continue to stay with a woman he got caught cheating on...

He opens the front door. It's Twilight. She looks decidedly the worse for wear and is clearly agitated.

Trey: Ah, Twilight. Don’t tell me, trouble in Paradise?

Twilight stumbles into the hallway in her five inch stilletos and stops in front of a large ornate mirror. She drops her bag on the table and pulls her hair back tightly with her hands. She moves close to the mirror and contorts her face into a myriad of possibilities.
Twilight: Oh mirror, mirror on the wall ...looks like I am my Mother after all. How did that happen Trey? Do you think I would still be beautiful if I had more surgery on my nose? How long after rhinoplasty would I have to wait before getting my teeth done?

He smiles knowingly, all too familiar with Twilight's neuroses. She was a carbon copy of her sister after all. He forcifully grabs her arm and leads her through the house to the pool area. Selina jumps up from her chair and walks over and hugs her sister.Selina: Twilight, are you alright? You've been drinking! It’s only three in the afternoon for chrissakes. What’s your problem this time? Does your dog likes the maid more than he likes you? Or can’t you find the right shoes?

Twilight: She makes a face at her sister and heads to the bar and fixes herself her favourite cocktail. I'll have you know Selina, that I do some of my most creative work when intoxicated. And at a time like this I need to be creative. I’m traumatised. And this time it’s nothing to do with morphing into my Mother and wanting another nose job. Jack’s in trouble. Big trouble. The police are after him. How am I going to tell his parents that he’s going to be arrested all because of me? Do you think he could hide in your house so they can’t find him?

Selina: screams, Jack is going to be arrested? For what?

Trey: Turns away and lies face down on the lounge chair. He sighs loudly. Oh, here we go again. This pair need to get professional help or I need to run as fast as I can.

Twilight: You see, well....Jack found out...that I’m having an affair with my husband and...he didn’t take it well at all. One thing led to another and Blade is now in hospital. Oh why do these things always happen to me?

Selina: Oh my gosh, Jack attacked Blade?

Twilight: Yes. My lover tried to kill my husband. He shot him. You see it's all my fault. I finally realised that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side after all. Jack is so, so sexy but it was wearing a bit thin and I missed being with a man who makes me laugh every day. So I rang Blade and one thing led to another....and

Selina: Oh, please .... have you forgotten? The good old days with Blade were not good enough. Leave the past where it should be, firmly behind you. Do I have to remind you about Blade, the motorbike and the blonde? And the fact they got arrested for indecent exposure on Highway 24? Or what about the time he hired a nude housekeeper when you visited our grandmother in Venezula? Or what about the time you went to a witchdoctor to find magic potions to keep your husband faithful? Are you crazy?

Twilight: That’s the $64,000 question. I know. I’m mixed up and need help. I may have lost my mind. And Jack and Blade all at the same time. Maybe its gratuitous concurrence. Maybe its karma. Maybe I am an alcoholic. Maybe I am confused. But one thing I know for sure is that Jack is never.....

She is interrupted by loud yelling and banging at the front door...........they all look at one another and Twilight steels herself for what is to come by taking a quick gulp of her Cosmopolitan......
to be continued....depending on what the next few month’s search terms are - who knows where this story will lead....

Have you ever wondered.....

why the governments of this world just cannot pay the paparazzi hounds to go find Osama bin Laden?

They would soon smoke him out of whatever burrow he is hiding. Unless, of course, he is already dead as the late Benazir Bhutto stated in an interview last year.

The paparazzi seem to be able to track down every celebrity easily, often in the most obscure locations, doing the strangest things, in cities of millions of people, all over the world. They court unwanted attention often.

Time for a bit of lateral thinking people. Why not use them to do something of real use and get them off the streets. I mean they obviously have their talents.

Sad thing is the paps would get many more millions for taking pictures of Jennifer Lopez's soon to be born twin babies or of Britney without underwear than they would for hunting down America's Most Wanted.

There is something very wrong with the world isn't there?

The priorities are all screwed!

And we are to blame. It's all about supply and demand. We are the ones buying what they have got to sell and keeping the whole merry-go-round moving round and round.

Sweet Confection!

A match made in Heaven. My two favourites -1 George Clooney and 10,000 Jelly Bellys (jelly beans). Created by the Jelly Belly Gourmet Beans Company in honour of his Oscar nomination. I'd eat it!

Let 'em eat cake but only if they jump in my car first!

I love baking cakes but this is something else indeed! If you want to find out how they did it, in case you want to have your cake and eat it too, here it is!

I just did an IQ Test and the results were

just a little alarming...... but I guess it's hardly unexpected.

I was always told that there are some things you just don't talk about in public - namely details about your sex life, what diseases you have, your plastic surgery procedures, your alcohol or drug problems, your bank account balance, how much you earn or your IQ (unless you are a celebrity that is and then none of the above counts because most of us live vicariously through them and we have a right to know).

If I didn't talk about these things there wouldn't be much to say really. For instance, I just heard on the TV that there is a view that people are generally dumbing down. I blame recent beauty pageants, whose contestants obviously scored from the high end of the beauty gene pool but the low end of the intelligence pool, for this trend. And, let's not forget ex Idol, Kelly Pickler, who was not at all embarassed to say on national TV, that she thought Europe was a country.

It got me wondering about the state of my own pink matter (no, I don't do grey anything under any circumstances). So I checked with my best friend Google to find a suitable free online IQ test to assess my own slide into Dumbsville. (Warning - Tickle is a great site but please treat the quizzes with a degree of lightheartedness).
After I completed the test it told me my IQ score was 124. Sounded promising. It then went on to explain in a detailed report what this number meant. It seems that:

In terms of my mathematical results, I scored better than 70-80% of people who had previously taken the test. My numeracy skills are better than the average bear supposedly. Except, why is it then that I still count with my fingers and toes, can't quite read what those numbers on the scales say and definitely do not know what they mean, can't balance a chequebook and I have a huge credit card debt? Is it any wonder that the global economy is rooted?

In regards to visual-spatial intelligence (an ability to think in pictures) I scored higher than 90-100% of people taking the test. Yes, I think in pictures alright and those pictures usually entail a gun, my ex and some unfortunate accident which involves a funeral. I alternate those images with ones of a mansion, money, Manolo Blahniks, servants, George and Italy. I mean Oprah told us that visualising and asking for what we want is a good thing (a la The Secret). Apparently, if you focus on something with a lot of passion, it happens. And I am ready and waiting...with my black funeral outfit and my black cocktail dress at the ready.

On the linguistic side of things my score was 90 -100% better than others who have taken the test. Well that would be because I never shut it...my mouth that is. And that's the least number of words I have ever uttered on any subject.

At this point I thought I was definitely going to be able to join Sharon Stone in MENSA, except....I faltered at the last hurdle. The final results put a most definite kibosh on my illusions of braindeur.

You see, on the questions which tested logic, I scored lower than 70-80% of people who took the test. I know this to be true. When I 'used' to buy IKEA furniture, I spent days and days trying to put together complex pieces of furniture, such as lampshades. In fact, I was putting together a desk in my study one afternoon when a bushfire almost completely enveloped the house and burnt it to the gound. I was concentrating so hard on the instructions that I didn't notice the black sky and the menacing flames outside the window. It was a message from God. 'Put down the screw driver and set of instructions and step away from IKEA forever. Oh, and running for your life now may be a very wise thing'. I did and I have never looked back. Except now, it seems, my lack of DIY training is contributing to my dumbing down.

In summary the IQ test revealed that I talk a lot, am ok with numbers, see things in pictures but have no bloody common sense to apply any of it into something useful. This explains so much. Thats why I have a large debt, walk around with soft focus view of the world which enabled a sociopath to become my best friend and talk round and round in circles with no actual conclusion to anything.

What's more interesting is that my ideal careers are supposedly a publicist, broadcaster, politician or attorney. Not so surprising when you think about it. What's the common theme here - they are all full of bullshit.

Say no more, I mean it, shut it...... I get the picture. I know the numbers count but I also know I do not have to bloody understand it all. I am happy to never see IKEA again and could care less if it means I lose a few measly IQ points...besides, I already know that Europe is the capital of Equador..

Why don't you take the test and have a laugh. At your own risk of course.

I just bought

a new mobile phone. My old one somehow fell off the top of the fridge into pieces last night (long involved story which thankfully for you, you are just too busy to hear). Just rest assured that investigations are continuing as to whether it was pushed or it jumped.......

The new phone is apparently a combination of beauty and brains or so says its marketing .....strange, it's somehow everything I wanted for myself ....it makes me curiously happy (and no, that's not a sin).

Changes - Presidential Candidates feat. Bowie

Changes

Seven Deadly Sins - what your mother should have said

but for some reason has left it up to me to tell you.

Ok, I am officially on the wrong side of the journey to death's door now. Therefore, I am entitled to share my wisdom even if I refuse to share my makeup. I have two daughters (well I adopted one along the way, unofficially, and without the consent of her mother .... nonetheless). I am always giving my two cents worth to them so I thought I should spread the love a bit further.
What better place to start then the Seven Deadly Sins. This is important because like it or not, a lot of your life is going to be spent trying hard not to commit them, getting yourself out of the mess after you have or paying the price when someone else breaks them at your expense.

Now listen up kids, its serious.

1. LUST - to have an intense or obsessive desire, especially one that is sexual. Lust is really only wrong when your staring in the face of rejection. You know, you have to know what's realistic or what's not, so lusting after Brad Pitt or, in my case George Clooney, is probably wasted effort on both our parts. Keep your lust targets 'realistic'. Where lust is absolutely ok is when you are sure you are going to have some success. So, in my case, its the 80 year old, bald, blind guy sitting on his own with 12 empty schooner glasses in front of him in the pub!!! You truly cannot judge a book by its cover. If you don't know how realistic you are ask your mother, she will tell you the truth. PS. In one of my daughter's cases, aim higher, much higher. The other one has it in the bag..

2. ANGER - a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance. This is one I know a lot about. It's really only wrong when you have the papparazzi flashing cameras in your face, when you are in a packed restaurant, or in fact any public place where there will be witnesses (or cameras). It's also wrong to get angry when your mother gives you good advice and for some unknown reason you don't want her meddling in your life. It is definitely right when directed at pushy salespeople, ladders in your tights, politicians, computers or where fighting injustice and immoral behaviour. Just don't hit anyone.

3.GLUTTONY - Excess in eating or drinking. It is always wrong when you eat or drink to excess in someone else's house, when you are eating in a restaurant, when meeting your prospective in laws for the first time, or when at social functions. There are exceptions though. It's ok to work your way through 10 tubs of ice cream and 10 bottles of tequila (in one sitting) when you've just broken up with the love of your life. Just don't let anyone else see you in that state, always lock the door behind you and have the ambulance number on speed dial just in case. It's also ok when you are doing chocolate and cocktails to excess too -some things God intended us to overdo ....again and again..........and again.

4. GREED - An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. Greed is never right unless your getting something for free (no, that does not include that stuff that fell off the back of a truck)or you are particularly ugly and need loads of makeup or surgery. Never harm anyone else in your endeavours to get stuff ever. Don't take what is not yours and that includes someone else's money, boyfriend or your mother's makeup. Greed is insidious and it's what causes most ills in the world. You just have to look at corporations and politics to see this (and let's not forget that crazy f****ng sociopath ex of mine - oops I have turned angry...apologies..wrong sin). Don't buy into it - resist. It ruins lives.

5. SLOTH - An aversion to work, laziness, untidiness
This is clearly wrong when you are broke, the house is on fire, you have maxed out your four credit cards or your trying to impress someone. It's definitely ok if you are heading for the muu muu years, you snagged a billionaire, have hired help or you're on vacation and no-one knows who the hell you are anyway.

6. ENVY - a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another. It's really wrong if the object of envy is unattainable (ok Angelina you are officially off the hook, we don't hate you any more). It's ok if it's small enough to pinch (joking..).

7. PRIDE - finishing on a high note - this means in this context arrogant or disdainful conduct or haughtiness. Of course a healthy self respect is a virtue but this is when it becomes a little too narcissistic. They do say pride comes before a fall(listening Adnan - Britney's supposed papparazzi boyfriend?). Its wrong to be arrogant after committing a killing spree, winning a war, robbing a bank, or achieving anything which results in another person's suffering. It's definitely ok when your kid scores the winning goal, you achieve great things from adversity, find a cure for cancer, bake the perfect sponge or you see justice done.

That's it kids. But if you would indulge me for a minute, there is one more deadly sin that doesn't get discussed often enough.
No. 8 - IGNORING YOUR MOTHER!!!!


DIGG THIS

You really inspire me .........

Mildred Muhammad

Every so often you come across a person who stands out from the maddening crowd. Mildred is one such person.

Mildred is an advocate for eradicating violence against women. She started a foundation called After the Trauma Inc. after her own horrific abusive relationship. Not many people will know her by name but they will recognise her ex husband, the man who was dubbed by the press as The Washington DC Sniper. As often is the case behind the attention grabbing headlines, the real story goes untold. Not palatable nor fit for public consumption. But horrifically real and happening to many people across the world.

Mildred's personal story and her drive to do something to help others in domestic violence situations is inspirational indeed. Her book, Scared Silent, will be in bookstores in October 2009.

After the Trauma's purpose is to assist victims of domestic violence by providing them with the resources to make the transition from existing to living. And, because TRAUMA is a REAL factor for survivors and their children, counselling is also arranged. Sign up for the newsletter and help yourself or someone you know!

Mildred is there to give people a hand up to rebuild their lives. I know. I put my hands together for you Mildred. An inspiration for many people.

"The world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplations. The hand is the cutting edge of the mind."

Pour Me a Drink....

Listen here to some beautiful music by Edwina Hayes from the UK.

Perfect contemplation music.

Heidi, you have ruined...

my love life.

Well, the fact I do not have one, is beside the point. It could have been a possibility, if it wasn't for your latest efforts.

For the two people who read my blog you will know that I have a love/hate relationship with my dentist, Heidi. She is technically proficient, just personality deficient.

Today was D Day (dentist day for those who struggle with technical terms). I was on time, but nervous.

Goldilocks was in fine form. Here is a picture of her. The similarities to Barbie are incredible and very deliberate. All perky, blonde and spray tanned. She looked me up and down and said, "My, my, you are looking well, aren't you?" Well, we all know what that translates to, you are stacking on the weight girl, what a shame, you've really let yourself go.

"Right, you think so, do you? Well, let me tell you some home truths. Your latest round of surgery is not doing you any favours either, your mouth is now sitting where your nose used to be." Well, I would have said that, but she is in a position of some power, if you get my drift.

Today she was at her best, her obnoxious best. She told me I must be a Type A personality - anally retentive, uptight and a perfectionist. She forgot to mention HOSTILE! Why her diagnosis? Because I grind my teeth in my sleep. "Well, if you only realised, little Miss Sunshine, that I grind my teeth for eight weeks a year, two weeks prior, and two weeks after, my visits with you. Get the picture?" Well, I would have said that, if I didn't have a mouth full of blue plastic goo at the time.

I finally had a light bulb moment as I was gagging from the goo and she was telling me about her new eyelash extensions and latest round of liposuction. She is a cosmetic dentist. She has taken her job title literally. She is not here to make my teeth, and hence me, more attractive. I am there to generously top up her Plastic Surgery Fund at least two times a year. She does not necessarily care about the quality of my life at all. Just the regular donation I make to her cause. And to prove it, this is what she gave me and told me to wear to bed. Every single night, all night.

WARNING OBSCENE PICTURES FOLLOW - PARENTAL GUIDANCE RECOMMENDED

For my mouth, of course. Now do you get, how she has single-handedly, ruined my life? What kind of self respecting male is going to be turned on by that bedroom accessory?

And, just so I was not going to leave empty handed, and because she was feeling very generous, she gave me this.

A mould of my upper teeth. Why? What am I going to do with it, put it on my coffee table with all my other knick knacks? Admire it from afar? Spend hours playing with it? Use it as a key ring perhaps or a device to scare the neighbourhood kids?

Heidi, it's like this, patients do not expect a little take home gift other than maybe some floss and a toothbrush. I realise that when you leave the plastic surgeons they give you your sucked out fat and leftover body parts all wrapped up in a neat bow (they do you know). Dental patients, on the other hand, do not need that kind of 'buzz'. We get enough of it while we are held captive in the chair, sweetheart.

I said my goodbyes, but not before she said, "Hey, I forgot to tell you, look closely at the mould. You have the strangest shaped mouth I have ever seen. It's like a triangle, narrow at the front and really wide at the back."

"Yes, and it's all the better to eat you with Goldilocks" (wrong nursery rhyme I realise but same sentiment). Well, I would have said that, but my teeth were clenched so tight I couldn't prise them apart to get the words out.

"Great", I finally mumbled, "must go, I can feel the need for a bottle of Baileys coming on".

Ah well, I've got six months to get my self esteem back under control and just two weeks of wearing this 'new accessory' until the grinding stops...........told you, a love/hate relationship........

PS: My apologies for posting such graphic and disturbing pictures but they were necessary in order to tell my story.

Clinton and Cruise somehow speak as one

Watch this

Tis a wee bit funny. Except Hilary is real and Cruise is just a cardboard cutout!

Oh my God, this is one for the girls!!!!!

Girls, of any age that is!

I am thinking about getting a new hair style but I have always been too afraid to try anything too different. So I just happened to click on one of the links on the right -makeoversolutions.com - looking for makeup ideas. I stumbled on their virtual makeover site by chance. What a playground it is. I am not ashamed to say I am over 40 and felt like I was 8 years old again playing with dress-up paper dolls (remember them?).

You can choose hair styles, accessories, makeup, hats, jewellery, beards (yes, you will notice a pic of me with a beard - now I know that I am going to come into my own when I am 80).

You can choose the hairstyles of your favourite stars, colours, styles etc. The end results are hilarious, particularly the makeup. Great fun and one the kids can get a lot of fun with too!!! You can play some terrible tricks on some poor unsuspecting people if you have their pictures. To do anything too advanced you have to subscribe, but everything I did cost nothing. I think this is a really good site for lots of tips and tricks! Um and no, I didn't really find the one for me, but I am kind of loving the curly red (that is, if I was 20 years younger and perhaps colour blind).

It's all kind of Andy Warhol-ish though don't you think?