19 December 2008

Message from your Mother

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Note to new readers: Message from your Mother is a series of letters written by Lilly to her daughter which are usually based on their most recent phone call or in this case recent visit. The letters are often written in the kind of irrational way that seems to come naturally to most mothers when speaking to their children no matter how old those children happen to be. You will always find a hidden message though if you look hard enough.

Hi

I'm sorry I embarrassed you.

I know I'm getting too old to be doing that kind of thing now but.....but it really, really, wasn't my fault that I got stuck in the doors at your office.

They nearly killed me.

It happened because I was too busy taking photos of everything that opened and shut and failed to see the disaster closing in on me.

Let me try and explain.

We bloggers take our jobs seriously. We are like paparazzi journalists. So, it means that we need our camera with us at all times, just in case. Well in case we come across a good story that can, with a sprinkling of magic, be turned into a half decent post without any consideration for the privacy, rights, dignity, views, requests, pleading, lawyers phone calls or bribes of family, friends or even perfect strangers.

I was really happy when you asked me to check out your 30th floor office with those gorgeous panoramic views. The excitement must have gone to my head. I think possibly.....altitude sickness had a bearing....

It's just that when you had your back turned (I knew you would disapprove) I was taking pictures of the view, the river below, your office, how tidy your desk was, the name plate on your door, your matching desk accessories (a colour I so approve of), the chair you swirl in, your business cards and ...... Was that so wrong? For a mother to be proud of her child and how high up in the world she had come? Thirty floors is an achievement. I only ever made it to the fourth floor.....

Then, when you asked me to go and check out another part of the building I dutifully followed. Except, you didn't warn me that these modern architect designed buildings have equally modern architect designed electronic glass doors.

Designed to harm.

Now I finally know what these companies mean when they throw around the term natural attrition in these dark economic times.

The doors were open when I walked through them and naturally I assumed they would stay open.

How was I to know that they stay open for a few seconds and then slowly close.

In the shape of an inverted V.

And I just happened to be standing at the tip of the V.

Blissfully unaware of the trauma to come.

You disappeared no doubt thinking I was right behind you.

I stood there awestruck. The Christmas Tree was amazing.

I raised my arms to quickly take a photo before you reappeared.

And wham!

I didn't hear them coming. They were silently rolling round the bend. (For some unknown reason I feel like breaking into a Johnny Cash song - I hear the train a comin´it´s rolling round the bend and I ain´t seen the sunshine since I don´t know when, I´m stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin´ on).

I felt an enormous pressure on my arms - the glass doors were closing and crushing me. I was standing in the f****** path of the door. I was stuck. I screamed and tried to worm my way out.

I managed to wriggle my way through the door only to find myself some 2 inches taller and somewhat narrower (I think the technical term is called redistribution. If any plastic surgeons are reading this, as I imagine they would be, I want you to know that I coined the term first and I'm having first dibs at patenting the procedure depending on the cost of fancy glass doors).

Anyway, back to you. You came looking for me none the wiser to the drama that had unfolded moments earlier. Don't you recall you looked me up and down and told me you thought I had lost weight and asked me if my rosacea was playing up because my face was all red?

I decided to keep 'mum'. Thinner and taller is good despite the pain right? After all, nothing had been harmed in the making of my documentary to show your grandparents EXCEPT ME!

Well now it seems I was wrong.

It seems the whole thing was captured on your office's CCTV.

I'm no doubt humour fodder for the masses. Well, just remember people that I am the victim here.

I can understand your humiliation and your need to deny that you are related to me or even know who the hell I am. It's a harsh call but I completely understand.

Tell me, does the footage also have sound? Just wondering. Because that could be really embarrassing. Pain makes you say terrible things.

I have pictures too! Of zebra stripes running down my arms. Black, purple and blue. Like a Hockney gone incredibly wrong.

Anyway I digress, do you suppose it would be reasonable if you just emailed security and told them that if they really want to know how some strange woman got captured in their doors with a camera in her hands then they should just read my blog?

Mmmm, I guess you're yelling right about now.......

Well I'm sorry .....

I just want you to know that next time, if there does happen to be a next time, I won't be tempted to bring my camera with me and get distracted.....

Your Mother xx (your still considerably thinner and taller mother -I guess one day I will bounce back - more than likely over Christmas).


PS. If the worst should happen as a result of this 'accident', and they demote you to the 4th floor or something, I still have all the pics of what the view was like from the 30th floor just so you never forget. They do say hell has harbour views and they could be right after all.

PPS. Please don't mention that old people's home that you have picked out for me on the other side of the country again. I have another 40 years before I'm due to go in one of those and no amount of talking about it is going to make me act your age, ok?

78 comments:

  1. Ah, Lilly, you are the blog of my life.... It was when I got to "taller and thinner" that I could no longer contain myself. I now picture you as a cartoon of yourself, endlessly elastic.

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  2. Ha, that's hilarious!! I might have to go in for some redistribution myself!

    I love your blog, you are a crack up!

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  3. It so true and it hurt. It hurt worse than finding out after I had returned home that the whole thing had been captured on CCTV. The fact it happened at the end of our Thailand trip just made me think karma was coming for me. Truly I do lead a normal life - other than this stupid stuff that I blog about....cartoon of myself - its true... Thanks for dropping by Jeanne.

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  4. @ Katy - ok its like this I will crack you up if you keep sharing that great artistic talent of yours and keep giving me great Etsy links!!!

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  5. @ Blonde Duck - the sad part is its all true! I dont seem to have to make up my funny stories....

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  6. Well, you have a gift and that's the best part -- you can relate all these "not always funny" things in a way that makes them funny to read, without laughing at you. Always love your stories! Thanks for sharing them and, yep, I could use a little redistribution, too. Thanks for a great giggle on a cold, gray, somber day!

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  7. Oh my God that is so funny!!! I hope they do have sound on that video. And that it ends up on you tube!!

    However, I do need you to go back, perhaps when you have stanley, and take another picture of the doors, because my simple little brain just doesn't get it!

    And, hey! Why on earth did your daughter desert you? I think YOU should be the one a little torqued!! lol

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  8. @ Sylvia - thanks for your support! Always appreciate your comments.

    @ Rhonda - think of the shape of a V - thats the shape of the door. So I was standing at the tip of the V and the doors closed. As for my daughter she just assumed I would follow her in and not stand there mesmorised by the Christmas tree - I do need a picture because I have never seen doors like it!! Hey Rhonda, I am glad you are fixing me up with a new man - I trust you I think.....he he. Have big plans for Stanley and I....

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  9. Oh I love reading your stuff! I was laughing the whole way.

    Now about that photo though, why is the water so dirty looking? Do they dump your toilet sewage into it like ours? (They also filter ours and send it back thru our facets, blech)

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  10. @ Where is my Angels - the reason the water is dirty is because they have had terrible storms and I think there is a lot of dirt in the water - normally its very greeny blue!!! Thanks for dropping by - glad you had a laugh!!!

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  11. Taller and thinner works for me. Glad you weren't hurt, just embarrassed! Now we can laugh about it. What a lovely view, lucky daughter, how proud of her you must be.

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  12. Lilly you are priceless! And now I'm waiting for the YouTube evidence of this experience..

    But ow, that musta hurt...even though you did become taller and slimmer. But personally I thought you were perfect before, my lovely :)

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  13. @ Christine - oh yes, thinner and taller but its not the way to do it I think. Thanks for your comment.

    @ Braja - yes I am a danger to myself. I wonder what they do with that CCTV footage. That is a little embarassing though. Yes I think I better blog about something 'normal' soon otherwise I am going to get a bad name. I think my next blog will be about Chrismas baking - you can't go wrong with that. Thanks for dropping by!!!

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  14. When you went to Thailand and the trouble happened there, it was like I was expecting it. (All the political stuff was just excuses).

    Now you have an actual episode in keeping with your stature as Canberra's finest. Nothing wrong in being on CCTV. Just think of how much of a pre Christmas entertainment you gave (and that too, for free), to all those folks in the building who see boring people walking in and out of doors, 30 floors at a time, day in and day out.

    Congratulations to your daughter on her new office. Tell her its a good omen, when something like this happens in the beginning. Her career is slated to get "taller".....

    And as a make up person, never mind the black and blue stripes.....

    Totally cracked me up.

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  15. Ha Ha Lillyness! That's incredible. You're a fantastic writer and I'm sorry you got hurt in the writing of this post! Well, hurt before the writing of this post! You're a hoot and a half!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

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  16. That was so funny! I loved this letter. And, obviously, as a blogger I can appreciate your dilemma.

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  17. so THAT's how you get taller and skinnier! I'm in! Love your letters to your daughter. You crack me up. And every time I read one, I think -- She can't possibly have a daughter old enough to whatever... in this case have a job!

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  18. Too darn funny! You should have taken pictures of the bruises...for our viewing pleasure...and for the possible lawsuit lol. Better yet...see if they can embed the video into your blog hehehe. That would be fun!

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  19. hee hee...Lilly, I LOVE reading your blogs each day. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling, you always make me smile and laugh. THank you!

    *hugs*

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  20. @ Ugich - glad it made you smile - it makes me laugh too. And you are right I need to look upon these things as a community service. Ha ha!!

    @ Shelia - he he well you know us bloggers know about the risks of working in the field - gues we take our chances. Thanks for dropping by - cannot get over your new floor!!

    @ Alyson - well you have a few children so all this is before you just remember this.

    @ Adlibby - oh yes I may have started young and strong but she is that old. Mind you at this rate I will be lucky to get to old age.

    @ Nikkicrumpet - mmm well about that lawsuit, no points for guessing what kind of office she may be working in so dont like my chances there....as for posting pictures of it I do have some self respect left...just a little..

    @ Alex - thanks for your comment - I feel the same about your writing and your art PLUS your singing which we dont hear enough of!

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  21. Your blog is one of the few that I just have to slow down and savor each word. This was hilarious! I can see the pride you feel in your daughter and I know she's proud of you, too!

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  22. @ Kay -aww thanks for your comment Kay. I am really proud of her and we really do get on really well (well we did until I go stuck in the doors, he he). Christmas is coming it will all be ok.

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  23. Great post....however embarassing it might be. I know if it were me-the part that would probably bother me the most was if they could hear what I was saying..when i'm scared or mad--my mouth is NOT prone to good things.

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  24. @ Dawnie -yes you and me too. I dont think I handle shocks well!!

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  25. Oh Lilly - OH MY STARS! Honestly.

    Sheesh mate, I just shut myself into car doors. Like, often. Sometimes just an arm or a wrist, and sometimes half of my body... a la Rodney Fox with the great white pointer.

    One would think I would be able to get into my car successfully.

    It's not my fault they make car doors so heavy.

    And I know what you mean about being proud of your child's work place. When 17 year old Alessandro was made Sunday manager of the blind store, and he had a sprained ankle and his MUMMY had to take him to work and get him a cup of tea and press the button on the photocopier and fetch him his measuring tape - I was SO proud!!

    My son, the Blind Man! Woo hoo mate!

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  26. @ Leslie - Oh you make me smile. You know exactly what I am talking about. Alessandro is doing well in all areas - with his sport and all - you need to protect those limbs of his!!! He is on a fast track to milions. Mmm I leave car doors alone usually but this time I was not concentrating on what I should have been obviously. Hope you have a great weekend!

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  27. Hilarious! Redistribution - that's a thought.

    You write these letters so well I'm sure you're just reporting facts as they actually happened.

    And don't worry, it's the duty of all parents to pay their children back for all the tantrums in the middle of supermarkets etc., by embarrassing them as often as possible.

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  28. @ Cjw666 - yes that really is the tragic part - they do just happen like that but the older I get the less I get embarassed really. Yes pay back is a sweet thing. Thanks for your comment.

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  29. Wow, I would have got stuck in them too, probably by my head... they sound dangerous, imagine if a kid got stuck? Though sounds like a non kid type office.

    Hope your bruises fade soon!
    You inspired me...

    'Twas a door that closed on me,
    its silent glide I could not see
    It squeezed and held upon my self,
    those doors of glass with all their stealth
    So if you see me on the 'tube
    or notice all my arms of blue
    remember with a hint of glee
    "Twas a door that closed on me.

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  30. Lilly I just noticed your Thailand pics in the side bar. They are all gorgeous. The beaches look deserted...wonderful.

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  31. That is so funny! I can't believe it was captured for the entire office to behold.

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  32. That's hilarious!!!! Love the story and the letter... kept me laughing the whole way through!!!!

    :)
    ~Tabitha~

    freshmommyblog.com

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  33. Oh.My.Gawd.I'm.Crying.

    Seriously, I almost got busted for blog reading on company time when I burst into laughter for "no reason" in my office and my boss came to see why I was on the floor.

    I want to be funny like you when I grow up.

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  34. haha that's funny :p
    and to be frank, I'm totally going to be the next bloggyrazzi huhu can't put my camera down these days. Always brought it everywhere.Oh my ..

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  35. Oh Lilly, I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but that's hilarious. But I think it's okay for me to laugh, because I'm equally as accident prone and clumsy. I fell backwards over a laundry basket last night, and landed into a very tall bookshelf. My husband was still laughing about it this morning. Oh, and I look forward to seeing that video on YouTube. lol.

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  36. I'm sure your daughter will understand. Bloggers have to absolutely be ready to capture everything with our cameras...even if that means sometimes embarrassing ourselves or being chastised by our children. My daughter can't verbally object yet or give me a disapproving look, but I know it's coming. Funny post... but sorry you got caught on the CCTV.

    Davida

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  37. LOL that was great, I just love your posts, you suck me into the moments so well.

    aahha and yes thinner and taller despite the pain. LOL.

    xx

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  38. Lilly ~ If you ever stopped blogging, I will have serious withdrawals! I mean, physically painful withdrawals, akin to what you felt between doors and I'd probably say some of those same words too that you said. That was hilarious! And beautiful - because you are so proud of your daughter and oh WOW - what a view!!

    (And whispers - is it true - all bloggers carry around a camera - I know I do!)

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  39. Sue the buggers :-)

    I am so glad things like that happen to you (sue me)!

    You keep me so healthy by laughing out loud! I keep smiling all day, walking down main street, in the office, in a store – just imagine those looks I get – I make a good impression as a madwoman!

    I look forward to the Christmas baking story – You have the ability to turn an ordinary event into a hilarious experience, called Lilliness. I just wish you could bottle your wit – I’d be gulping down that stuff.

    I guess Mom and Daughter are equally proud of each other! Your love for each other shines through your stories.

    I wish you a speedy recovery!

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  40. Oh lord, terrific. I guess it just goes to show the picture taking pride doesn't end with toddlerhood...poor poor children.

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  41. @ Dee - oh my how clever are you - that is fantastic!!!! Thank you.

    @ B - yes you know how they are about security in these buildings -I never gave it a thought because if I had I would have gone looking for that damn CCTV camera....

    @ Tabitha - thanks for dropping by and for having a laugh - its mandatory coming here and usually you will find its laughing at me not with me...he he.

    @ Julie - given you are the most hilarious person I know and given I am addicted to your blog, your comment means a lot. Glad it made you smile - your latest post made me cry just because it was so beautiful!

    @ yulz - yes I know I am beginning to have a new view of papparazzi now - its a sickness this whole blogging, camera thing. We just cannot control...

    @ Summer - I know you are lying - you did mean to laugh at my pain. Hell, I even laughed at my pain - what a pathetic thing to let happen.

    @ Attygnorris - well as an attorney I expect some advice please, he he.

    @ Leigh - thanks for dropping by, yes with a bit more stretching I can be one of your models for your next photgraphic shoot or painting.

    @ Aleta - the feeling is mutual - never like to miss your posts either - glad you confessed about your camera carrying ways - it makes the rest of us feel less exposed..

    @ Fida - well I am happy to oblige and believe me these things do happen and they make me laugh. Lilliness - yes it is what it is I guess. Have a great weekend!

    @ Anns Rants - yes its sad I have turned into my mother. Hang on, even my mother wasnt as bad. Its the blogging thing I tell you...

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  42. I am so glad I "ran into you" and your blog. Your post are so fun, and vibrant.
    I laughed about being ready to get a blog photo at any time .... SO true of myself.
    Family members scatter and say, "ohhh no, I do not want to be on your blog!"

    Super post - " I´m stuck in Folsom prison" ???

    HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

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  43. Why haven't I been reading you already...??? All this lost time. Love the post!!! It makes me want to start a letter collection to my three boys.

    Hope the re-redistribution goes well and everything lands where it used to be and not someplace new! ;)

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  44. I now can only see you as a cartoon character is in Tom and Jerry, getting squashed flat and then being rolled up like a carpet.

    I love your Message from your Mother series...

    ...but the clever thing (for me) that you did, was not put the photo of the 30th floor view, at the head of the post - Madonna was just fine in that position...but, bless you...at the end. This suddenly made it all real to me - and therefore more powerful...grrreat :)

    I've enjoyed it so much, I won't even mention Kylie. (damn)

    xh

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  45. I love the 30th floor view, and I'm hoping if I do get demoted, it won't be lower than the 20th floor.

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  46. Hi Lilly...hop you have a good weekend!! :)

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  47. Hysterical! I consider these public maternal embarrassments wonderful revenge for what we had to endure during our daughters' teenage years.

    Love your blog!

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  48. I don't know for sure if the first comment went through. My computer hiccuped, or passed out from my laughing, at your post. So if this is a second, feel free to click the tiny little trash can to dispose of it.

    Now that I have regained my composure 20 odd minute laugh attach from reading your blog. My wife is now convinced I have completely lost my mind I want you to know that I will be scouring YouTube in search of the pirated security footage hopefully complete with audio. Once I find it, and it has to be out there, rest assured I will find an appropriate method of sharing it with all our friends. You know I'm helpful that way!

    I can picture you standing there in the doorway with a dumbfounded look on your face. Trying desperately to free yourself from the dastardly clutches of the automatic doors.

    ROFLMAO

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  49. Oh, Lilly, you are priceless...priceless!
    Another great post, my friend!
    Keep up the awesome work - so very proud of your blog and your writing!
    Love,
    Jlo

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  50. Ahh ha ha ha. It's true, our blogs are running our lives.

    I conducted this experiment the other day. No media. I was going to er...cleanse my inner landscape.

    Driving along, after about 4 blocks with no radio it started....

    Inside my head, I was composing my next blog. The ideas came fast and furiously. I was cracking myself up.

    By the time I got home I couldn't remember a single thing.

    Inner landscape? Screw it...

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  51. @ Speedcat - well I am glad I ran into you too! Yep Johnny Cash - the thought just came to me as I was writing..

    @ Amy - Oh I never thought about it that way - it may bounce back just not in the same position which may or may not be a positive thing...thanks for dropping by and commenting.

    @ Soul Merlin - yes, thats exactly as it was a cartoon character squashed..oh dear its not even Christmas and anyone reading that would think I had started on the Christmas cheer a little too early. And what do you mean no Kylie....

    @ Geri - well can I advise you not to invite your mother to your office then...or me for that matter if you want to retain your 50th floor view - thanks for dropping by and commenting..

    @ Vegas Lindalou - why thanks for that - hope you are enjoying the snow where you are.

    @ Vinnie - thanks for dropping by.

    @ Alex - glad your singing went well.

    @ Eric - well given its you and I like you a lot then I dont mind you LAUGHING AT ME. Just tell your wife its sunny in Oz and it could be sunstroke that causes my accidents. Thanks for dropping by and hope the laugh did you some good.

    @ Judi - not sure about priceless but thanks for your encouragement about my writing. You know you have been commenting on my blog for nine whole months. You have inspired me so Jlo if only you knew how much.

    @ Charmaine - I so agree - inner landscape screw it. I do the same. I just burst out laughing at the most inappropriate times and when asked why, I have to say oh I am just thinking up the next post...they dont get it of course.

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  52. Oh My ///I am so glad I accidently landed on your blog. Your too darn cute. Love the storie and enjoyed reading some of your post. I have bookmarked you and will be back to read more soon.

    Sondra

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  53. omg. Are you SURE we are NOT related? And, I'm with Braja- I would LOVE to see the video.

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  54. Lilly, this was SO Hilarious!! Your gift for telling a story is truly outstanding!

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  55. Such a hilarious post! Thank you for making me laugh until I almost hurt myself. :)

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  56. Great one this post, I enjoyed it and got some of my family members to read it too.

    Vivek

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  57. Stopping by from SITS. You are just TOO funny. I will definitely be back!

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  58. That was a good story, Lily!!!
    Sorry, though, to hear about your pain!

    But, the imagery you evoke through your words is amazing!
    Keep writing!!!
    :-)

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  59. Sorry I haven't dropped by, but I was off-line for awhile. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays if I don't see you before. ;o)

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  60. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. It's the opening chapter of your BOOK, I presume? hint, hint

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  61. *heh, heh*

    So....... you embarrass your daughter too, hey?

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  62. Oh, Lilly, the predicaments you find yourself in. I suppose, if I'm being selfish, that it's a good thing you do find yourself in these "compromising positions" so you can blog about them and keep all of us, your devoted fans, rolling with laughter.

    Another terrific and hilarious post. Thanks for the laughs. Oh, with the economies of all the world's major nations in turmoil, and with the world financial crisis as it is, you should have no trouble locating a reputable re-distributionist. Hee-hee

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  63. So funny, but all I kept thinking about was how impressed I was with your daughter - incredible view!! I'm sure they don't just hand those out to mediocre staff.

    I can understand your pride...and lack of better judgement.

    Em

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  64. Lilly, you are a scream. I can't wait to read your book! And just remember, me darlin,' odds are someday your daughter is going to have a daughter, or a son, or both! And she will embarrass them :) Count on it (my son is doing it now, to his children, and I cackle with glee on a regular basis).

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  65. I am going to need a lot of redistribution by the end of this Christmas holiday. This story was so funny. I could just picture it all. Hope you and yours has a very Merry Christmas.

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  66. freaking hilarious
    that was one great post
    btw
    happy monday from a fellow sits-er

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  67. Lilly, this blog is a gem! I LMAO when I read the "taller and thinner" part of the post. I'm so sorry those doors hurt you. But the view is breathtaking!

    P.S. Thanks for your comment on my blog. You really made my day! :)

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  68. ouch ouch and double ouch !! you must be more careful - we cannot replace you dear one ...

    have a safe and automatic door free xmas Lilly - my best le xo

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  69. just imagining you and the whole episode made me laugh. i love your humour and i'm pretty sure your daughter loves it too. if i were her, your christmas present this year would be a dvd: Lilly on cctv - the movie!

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  70. Ouch! Lilly, that had to hurt real bad! I hope you're okay now? Congrats to your daughter's promotion up to the 30th floor. That's an awesome view, indeed. I have a feeling they'll keep her up there. Just make sure to be careful next time you go visit her not to run into those wascally doors.

    Thanks for making me laugh, even though you had to pay for it. I'm so sorry, Lilly. I can't help from laughing when you write it this way.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and to your family.
    Tasha

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  71. OMG - dying laughing!!!!

    I would do that ...probably HAVE done that in some respect. I had a friend of mine get her arm stuck in a revolving door. She's screaming...I'm trying not to laugh but oh Holy Mother of Mary - was it funny!!!!

    Sorry I've been MIA. I'm going to post soon on why - suffice to say Big A was quite sick last week and I and she missed the whole week fo school and work. Ugh! But I'm back and playing catch up. I hope to get apost up soon.

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  72. Hi Lilly! Hope you're having a good Monday!! :)

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  73. I am coming over from SITS and I just loved your "letter" :)
    I'll be back!

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  74. Hi Lilly, I saw your comment on Nikki's Blah, Blah...and I am a bona fide makeup junkie (well over 40!) I've been reading your posts this morning and enjoying them very much.
    I love this concept of "letter from your mother" (might borrow/steal someday) and you've coined some hysterical terms here. When you have that "redistribution" machine ready, give me a ring and I'll be first in line to try it out or perhaps your daughter could just invite me for an office tour. wink wink

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  75. The dog is barking because I was laughing so hard as I read this!

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  76. Haha that blog is hysterical! And what amazing pictures- I totally agree that we bloggers have no shame! And there aint nothin wrong with that. :P

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Thanks for your comments. I love reading what you have to say.