Thursday 10 April 2008

Message from your Mother

Note to new readers: Message from your Mother is a series of 'tongue in cheek' letters written by Lilly to her daughter which are based ‘very loosely’ on their most recent phone calls. The messages are written in the kind of irrational way that seems to come naturally to most mothers when it comes to the lives of their children.

How are you today?

I was shocked to hear you were involved in a near accident last night but thankful that you were able to swerve out of the way of oncoming traffic. You always did have sharp reactions, usually to things I have said, but nonetheless....I'm just glad you're safe.

What did you mean exactly when you said that TomTom told you to go through a red light? You weren't having a
conversation with him were you? Or letting him do all the work while you applied your mascara and lipgloss? Besides, I thought TomToms promised fun without compromising safety? Oh uh I'm sorry, I'm a little confused, I think that line may have actually come from someone I used to know....

Anyway, when you're able to stop shaking, and you're feeling like your old self again, you might find these latest 'pearls' I have, very useful. Only if you want to read them, of course. I am not forcing you to because I know its your life and I know you really don't like taking my advice.....even though it is my job to give it. I think if I checked my job description it says I have to do so until one of us dies. And don't get any ideas in that direction either - Mother's Day is on its way.

I am confident that this time you will appreciate my input. I have the answer to help you find 'the one'. I have scientifically calculated, based on my own experiences, that a single woman will meet 6,000 men in her life. Two thirds will be too young or too old. Of the rest, 2/3 will be married (even though 25% will pretend they are not), 18% will be gay, 3% will be sociopaths, 8% will have rotten haircuts, 4% will be lawyers and the rest may be possibilities. That's still a big pool of possibilities, right?

So, I have come up with a way to make it easier for you. I know you’re busy with your job and the gym, so this is kind of a fast track, no fail system. In fact, I based this on my experiences living in New York. You only had to stand still for five seconds and guys would come up and ask you 'in your face' questions to see which side of the possibility pool you fell into. It's a shame that most of them fell into the sociopath, lawyer or swinger swamps but I did learn something. Busy people have to go straight for the jugular. It's like speed dating with a difference.

So, once you have worked out that they are a possibility (with good hair of course), cut to the chase and ask them these questions on the first date:

Q1: If your company gave one-year paid sabbaticals, what would you do for that year?
This will tell you his true passions and priorities, showing you whether he is selfless, selfish, or overly ambitious.
Q2: Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?
This will tell you if he is secure enough to laugh at himself.
Q3: If your house were on fire, what’s the one thing you’d make sure to save?
This will tell you if he is sentimental or practical?
Q4: What’s the biggest misconception people have about you?
Maybe your date will say that everyone thinks he’s snobby and stuck-up, when he’s really just shy.
Q5: What’s the one life experience you want a do-over on?
Everyone’s got some regrets, and they speak tons about someone’s character.

Now the second thing I have to tell you is that apparently thin is now not in. Just as they had us all starving, now they've changed their minds. Aussie Men’s magazine FHM did an online survey asking whether readers found a size 8 (US6), 12(US10) or 14 (US12) model most attractive. 39% said the Size 14, 41% said the Size 12 and 20% the Size 8. The magazine editor said, “that it proves one thing, ladies, hoe into a hamburger, crack open a beer and we’ll love you just as much.” What have I always said?

And finally, you know how they, oh alright, I, say mothers are always right, well apparently eating an apple a day IS good for your health. They have just discovered that some compound in apples can dramatically improve lung health (and that may undo the damage of all those cigarettes you never wanted me to know about). Just saying is all.

OK, well I'll speak to you later and if I was you, I would give TomTom the silent treatment until he learns his lesson. Maybe he's colour blind, have you ever thought of that? On second thoughts, I'd ditch him - he has let you down badly. Sometimes, second chances lead straight to heartbreak.


Your Mother

Readers feel free to answer any of these five questions yourself, if you are game.


  1. this series of msgs from your mother would make a good book. i'm serious. clever writing....nice concept.

  2. Oh this is funny.We left Tomtom in Holland and I must say he has been quite a help although he brought us to some dead ends too.

  3. Pinayjade, I forgot you lived in Holland. No, TomToms are great as long as you still focus on the road and dont get distracted....take care!!

  4. Horatio salt - you, serious? How could this be? Seriously, thanks for saying that. I did briefly think it would make a cute book but not sure my writing is up to it yet. Will keep playing and see what comes out of it. Trying to find my writing 'fit' if you get me. Appreciate you stopping by!

  5. Oh my gosh! This is so funny :) The first time my sis and I used a Tom Tom we were in downtown Dallas. After all was said and done, we ended up calling it the "TomTom Bitch." TomTom B. will send you down non-existent or under construction streets in Big D! Well, we decided to give TTB another whirl on our last trip to the Dallas World Aquarium. We were in separate cars thankfully! TTB told my sis to turn right, and she did...(dumbass). Right onto the Dart Transit train tracks! Tell your daughter to take the TTB directions with a grain of sale. :)

  6. Troublex2 - ha ha, what a funny story, err after the event for your sister. That would have been a bit scary. OK so it is being renamed the TTB. Love it!


Thanks for your comments.