Full of hot air or not

I am facing one of my fears finally.

After two days of positive and inspiring messages I had convinced myself that I was ready to go on that balloon ride. Even though I'm tall I have this fear of heights. Go figure. In fact when I am in a multistory building my feet start to twitch if I go near the windows - instead of walking away, I want to do the opposite - and jump out the windows (and no, I normally do not have suicidal tendencies). It's just one more odd thing about me.

I usually get pushed by others to do things (and no I don't mean out of fourth floor windows). I mean to try new things and take risks. When I think about it, if it wasn't for others I may not have ever done a great deal. I never volunteer for things. I was not born with the brave chip.

For instance my fear of heights has been all consuming at times. Two years ago, I was on the Isle of Capri with a friend. Great, relaxing holiday until........she decided she wanted to go on the flying fox up and down a cliff face. I didn't. She said, "just come and wait for me while I go up then". Except, when we went to the entrance, they just pushed me on to the chair, shut the gate and I was off. No time to jump. Now when I originally thought of the Isle of Capri, I imagined soft white sandy beaches and blue oceans. A safe landing. Oh no. Its all cliff faces and rocks. High cliffs. The only consolation was there were lots of churches in case I needed the last rites at any stage.....and a burial. My shoes ended up over some poor Italian's vegetable patch and I screamed all the way up to the top and refused to come back down without having sedatives and a bottle of gin first. My advice is never look down. Ever. My friend was hysterical and crying - with laughter. She will never let me forget it for the rest of my life. The only upside was that I had a great excuse to buy a pair of wonderful Italian shoes (and I did feel great afterwards even though my clothes were drenched with sweat)..

Sometimes, the fear of humiliation overtakes my fear of heights. Once I was on my way to a management course in another city. I really didn't want to go. It was raining and a bus picked us up from the airport. Except not long after the bus collided with a tram stop. The driver was badly hurt and the passengers thrown about like clothes in a dryer. The only way out of the bus was through the window. Even under those circumstances I balked. I did it but just because there was no choice. And it wasn't even too far off the ground. I remember the CEO of the company sent us faxes saying how sorry he was to hear about the accident and, given we had been chosen for our management potential, we would get to go on another course soon. I wrote back and told him if this is the way he assessed people's management potential then I had clearly failed...I said he could have the dizzying heights of a management career on his own and stick any future courses. Thank goodness he just assumed it was the painkillers talking ...... let's say he never forgot me, I never had to do that course and nor did that crash do anything to resolve my fears of heights. It just gave me a new fear of buses (kidding).

In fact, I have seriously prayed that heaven is on ground level on a flat and even surface. And that I don't have to have a pair of wings to get in. No, the other option doesn't sound entertaining either because I don't do darkness and searing heat well either. But, just in case the only way to heaven is up, I know I have to conquer my fear of heights once and for all. How embarrassing if I can't get into the pearly gates because I was too scared to take a leap of faith.

So it's D day. It's not like I am talking about bungee jumping or sky diving. I mean it's only going up in the sky standing in a wicker basket with a balloon over your head. How hard could it be? I'll let you know.

UPDATE:

I DID IT and I learnt some things I will never forget.

One, you have to get up incredibly early to catch a ride because the early hours are the calmest time of day for balloons to do their thing. Two, you have to be sure that the cane baskets you ride in are not made in Taiwan and are actually wicker (and I was caught trying to find the Made in..... sticker) and three, you also can't be scared of fire (because that is one big flame keeping the balloon aloft because they need a burner to heat the air in the balloon until it is hotter than the air outside the balloon) and four, and most important, accept the glass of champagne they offer you in flight because it can calm the nerves. If you can't loosen your hands from their tight grip on the side of the basket, or around the neck of the man standing next to you, kindly ask another passenger to pour the champagne down your throat. It's medicinal. And compulsory.

Most of all I realised that this was my kind of flying; serene, unique, an aerial nature walk. You don't feel any wind because you are moving at the same speed as the wind. I guess most of all I learnt that you should never look down to test the ground before taking your next step. You have to keep your eyes on the horizon and, with any luck, you will indeed find the right road.

I think I am learning to feel the fear and do it without being pushed to take the plunge. We are like ants in the overall scheme of things, and we really have to learn to get over ourselves and focus on real issues. Next, I might scale the Sydney Harbour Bridge....well sometime....or other.... I am sure there are lots of years left in me to give that one a go. I don't think you can see me in this picture - I'm the one on the floor of the basket hanging on to someone's ankles (just kidding...sort of).