Saturday, 5 April 2008

Conversations

of the heavily edited kind



Am I the only one who has to carefully edit their conversations with certain people?

The people, I am referring to are the over the top health fanatics, whose intentions may be pure but whose born again shove it down everyone else's throat attitude is suffocating to all who come within a five meter radius. You know the ones I mean. The ones who strike the fear of Satan in you when they suggest a visit to your house. The ones who cause you to go into near cardiac arrest while you manically search through every inch of your kitchen destroying any evidence of food items which have ingredients that end in – OSE.....because these people can sniff them out at twenty paces.

I really do appreciate the importance of a healthy lifestyle and I do the best I can. I just don’t appreciate having the all or nothing approach constantly in my face. But, if I did say what I really thought to these people then it would cause all sorts of dramas. Sometimes, you just have to bite your tongue and choose your words carefully. That, as you might have been able to tell, is a tough thing for me to do.

Here is an example of a typical conversation with one of these 'people' during the week.

Please note, anything in italics is what I should have said but I just cannot seem to spit it out for fear of causing drama.

"Hello", she said, "you are home, I was beginning to think you were avoiding me".

“Hi there”, I gulped, “Of course I am not avoiding you. How have you been?”

“Fantastic”, she said, “I have just paid for of an eight week adventure holiday which involves cycling across the Sahara, wrestling alligators in Brazil, free falling off the Harbour Bridge, climbing Mt Everest naked and swimming from Australia to Cuba…and back. I feel so alive and incredible. I am jumping out of my skin. What have you been doing?”

Note to reader – when she asks this she is always referring to what healthy and extreme past time I have been pursuing since last we spoke.

“Well, I have been doing lots of walking today”, I said, round and round the mall shopping before I had to have a rest at Koko Blacks the divine chocolatiers where I couldn't decide between the Belgian Chocolate Mousse Martini and the Silken Chocolate Tart, so I had both.

“And, I have been doing lots of weights", that would be lifting up the cocktail glass to my mouth too many times last night. "In fact, my personal trainer told me this week which machines I should be avoiding at the gym to get the most out of our sessions," in fact he said avoid every damn one of them because I never use them properly and therefore they are having zero impact. “I feel great, too”.

Oh I must tell you”, she said, “I thought you would be really interested in something new I have found. I think you should give it a go. Apparently, the only proven way you can slow down the aging process is to reduce your calorie intake by 30%. Given you have wrinkles I thought you might like to try”. (Note to reader, she is serious about this, click here, for more info on the calorie restriction topic – these people look ill to me.)

“Right, that sounds interesting, I’ll check it out”, I said. Personally I don't want to look like an 100 year old prune simply because of malnutrition.

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” I ask. “If you are, then you may also be interested in this research which I found. If you drink 1,000 bottles of red wine a day it will slow down the aging process and cause death most likely but you would be a young looking corpse if that's any consolation. Apparently the resveratrol in the red wine works on a gene which controls the aging process. I have to say that at this point I am kind of favouring the red wine option over the starvation option though”. (Note to reader, watch here)

“So, how’s the yoga going?” she asks.

(Note to self, she has a mind like an elephant, even though she lacks the bulk, I must remember never to tell her my New Year’s Resolutions ever again).

“Well, I have been researching the best yoga style for me" I said. "I mean there are so many options really. What with Hatha, Vinyasa, Iyengar, Kundalini and Bikram. It's not an easy decision." The truth is I am not a contortionist and there is no way I would get my body out of some of those poses even if I managed to get into them, (even if Sting can and loves sharing the benefits of it over and over again). The best I will be able to manage is laughter yoga which is a good thing given I care about my face more than the rest of me.

She says, “I've been doing yoga every day and I must say its great for your sex life. It's the best I have ever felt”.

Too much information for me and and you're making me feel worse every second I stand here talking to you. With my blood pressure beginning to rise and my self esteem beginning to plummet I say, "Listen, it's been so nice chatting but I really have to go and get something out of the oven”.

(Oops note to self – never mention food it’s a red flag to a string bean)

“Oh what are you cooking?” she asks excitedly.

Oh shite, “Um that would be the new recipe I found, um, the no wheat, no sugar, no dairy, no fat , no ingredients at all coffee cake”, I mumble.

“Oh gosh”, she said, “that sounds so Zen, what’s it got in it then?”

Oh a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I must email the recipe to you when I get the chance. Anyway, lovely chatting as always but I must get going otherwise it will be dinner soon".

“I’m just having a new Feng Shui East Peruvian vegetarian dish I found, it's a tofu bean blanddisgustingcrup salad", she gushes. "What are you having?”

“You know, come to think of it I think I will start that anti-aging diet right this minute", I said with a hint of exasperation in my voice. "Thanks so much for the anti-aging tips and I’ll let you know how I get on. Bye”. I skipped the food and went straight for the red wine.

…Gulp. Gulp. Gulp…. mumble, mumble - blue and green should definitely never be seen unless there's a colour (and an ocean) between them.

Three hours later my head hit the pillows.....


I didn't wake up 10 years younger because 1000 bottles is far more than you realise but the resveratrol did leave it's mark - a big headache. However, I still woke up with the same view I always had, that a little bit of this and a little bit of that always does a power of good. Why do we have to be so far left or right of centre anyway?

9 comments:

  1. That was hilarious! I have a couple of those in my family believe it or not. If they come to my house, they can eat the way we do or do without. But yes, they always tend to make me feel a little bit bad about myself. I get over it though by having a Dr. Pepper and a couple of Oreos. Hee hee!

    Thanks for your encouraging words on my Blog. Really helped my attitude today :)

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  2. RainforestRobin6 April 2008 at 02:30

    You are a DELIGHT! I love it. So human and honest and funny and just...Lilly. Good for you girl. Wonderful writing and so fun the way you laid out the whole dialog. You are VERY talented. And kudos for being yourself.

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  3. Lilly, you most certainly have the "gift". This story was hilarious, and you have a wonderful ability to story tell. I can't wait to see what's next.

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  4. Troublex2 - mine are family too. They are the ones you can't walk away from. Oreos and Dr Peper is an ideal solution. I will visit your blog again!

    Rainforestrobin - thanks for stopping by. I find humor in the smallest things but also realise that in reality we are all individuals and somehow need to row our own boats and not crash into each other. Life is funny sometimes and, as you know from your time over here, we tend to be a bit too straightforward sometimes. I am trying to hold back more often on the things that really don't matter.

    Matt - Thanks for dropping by. I seem to have lots of 'stories' in my life for some reason or another. Mostly harmless, thank goodness.

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  5. hi lilly. thanks for dropping by my site. i'm glad you enjoyed it and loved getting all your comments. i've just added your blog to my blogroll to help others find out how funny and wise you are...

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  6. Horatio - Salt

    Your welcome, a very funny and clever site you have. Have added your site as well.

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  7. LOL ! awesome post ^^ that's so very funny yeah that so happens ^__^ Thanks for your shout ^__^ I really appriciate it ^____^

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  8. Tamahome - thanks for dropping by!

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  9. RainforestRobin8 April 2008 at 04:24

    Hey Lilly Girl, I actually hope you NEVER hold back. You crack me up! AND one of the things I LOVE about Australians is that they are so forthright, with no pretentions, aren't easily impressed with hotty-totty artifical hoopla. In fact when I was there one of the things I found SO refreshing was that the first question out of their mouths WASN'T, "Where did you go to college?" In America it seems that can sometimes be the big defining thing, along with income, car, home, and other "status" symbols, but in Australia people were really intersted in WHO I was and didn't much care about the rest. I found that very refreshing. I LOVE the Aussies.

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Thanks for your comments.