Wednesday, 18 March 2009

THREE is definitely ONE too many

I am busy reading 601 ways to simplify your life (think about that one for a moment because it got me wondering a few pages in), so I am reposting the following post I did a year ago when my blog was still private. What can I say, I was shy.

I think three is definitely one too many.
I'm not talking about a kinky threesome or one too many chocolate covered doughnuts. I'm talking about that must have little accessory designed to put us on the right path, help us from getting lost and lead us safely to our destination.

The TomTom.

You know, the satellite navigation system as opposed to the creepy scientologist.

It comes with extras I wasn't aware of until the weekend. The manufacturer of the TomTom system says that its novelty celebrity skin covers "add a little fun without compromising safety". Mmmm, where have I heard that line before?

Well, they got it wrong.

It's a little fun for one second then it compromises safety.

So, who in the hell thought it was a good idea to release celebrity voice skins for satellite navigation systems? Because thanks to you, two has now become three. It's now me, him and Ozzy Osbourne. For him, it's a laugh a minute. For me, it's just one more man in the car to have a one way conversation with. And an incredibly annoying one at that.

When they say it's much safer for people to have instructions in an audible form they didn't mean this surely? So, hearing "you've reached your f---ing destination" or "turn f---ing right at the next intersection", over and over is somehow meant to keep you calm? It increases my anxiety levels tenfold.

It's not only passengers who risk their lives listening to this 'entertainment'. It will also be the unsuspecting passers by who may accidentally get hit by flying TomToms flung out of car windows by fed up owners. With the growing popularity of the novelty voice download market, I can foresee a new type of accident hazard on the horizon. Flying TomToms. TomTom street warfare is on its way.

The market for these voice skins is split between parodies of famous celebrities such as Dirty Harry (Clint Eastwood), Mr T and Marilyn Monroe, and generic characterisations featuring the likes of the Voice of God, NASA Ground Control and the adult-oriented Sex-Toy Susan. So maybe his choice could have been worse...after all.

When it comes to celebrities, three is definitely a crowd. In my car anyway. Tacky, distracting and somewhat vulgar. Have a listen (click on whichever one you want to hear) and see why Ozzy drives me around the bend.







PS. However, after considering others' points of view, (spare me, it just about killed me to do it as well) I am now willing to compromise on the whole celebrity skin issue. If there are any third party developers out there, let me know if you are willing to do covers for George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or Richard Gere. Then you'd be talking and I would be listening. In fact, I would then be willing to take a long extended road trip. Just me, my car and one of the boys. Oh no, I haven't changed my mind though, three is definitely still one too many.

46 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Ozzy Osbourne - how slow would he give the directions to you, you would have crashed by then!! I love my system and take it most places. All I need is a TomTom to run my entire life now. Oh, and Marilyn is hilarious too.

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  3. Ozzy Osbourne giving directions!? How ironic - he could do with a little in his life himself...

    Give me George Clooney any day.. please!

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  4. Hmm. Yes, I'm with you - very funny for about five minutes, although I do still think Marilyn Monroe was one of the three sexiest women ever born - present company excepted, of course.

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  5. Haha, you are so funny! I don't have a GPS because I like to know where I'm going before I leave. I like to print out my mapquest directions and read them before I go- waiting for a voice to tell me what to do would make me a nervous wreck.

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  6. I never knew I could buy accessories for my TomTom. Kind of like buying a pet for your pet.

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  7. I had no idea and I have a tom tom. I wouldn't be able to under stand Ozzy-it might as well be speaking French to me!

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  8. Those celebrity skins are so funny, I enjoyed listening to them, but you're right, it's just the novelty and then it might drive you crazy! Thanks for the morning chuckle!

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  9. OMG unreal. I have to say I would probably go with Ozzie because most of the time I'm in my car I'm an enraged idiot anyhow--lol.

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  10. This is hilarious! Your "p.s." is so true! Give me other options like Clooney, Depp or someone like that and I'd be all over my TomTom. I'd probably bring it to bed to soothe me to sleep! =)

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  11. The problem I would have was forgetting where I was trying to go in the first place... I mean if I hear Arnold's voice I'd begin looking for the snowy mountain peaks and begin looking for the von Trapp family, or craning my neck for Buckingham Palace if I heard Michael Caine! You are so right, 3 is a crowd!!

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  12. I would feel guilty if I didn’t set it for GOD every Sunday. Also, I wonder what God thinks about losing out to Ozzy!

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  13. Unfortunately we are too impoverished to have a TomTom so I've had to improvise and become a BarBar I'm working on the voices and up to now can do King Kong ,ET,the Tellytubbies and James Cagney. I can sometimes give the correct directions as well

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  14. Remind me to tell you one day of how the GPS lead my son and I into Mexico via the migrant workers border, and we had no passports to get out. And we were lost in Mexican ghetto with no Spanish dictionary.

    I was not happy.

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  15. I gave up driving a car years ago, in favour of two wheels. Can you get a motorcycle GPS or would it be deemed too dangerous?

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  16. Ha! We don´t even have Tom Tom´s here, so at first I didn´t even know what you were writing about. But after listening to the various skins, I totally agree with you! Very funny for a few minutes, then....not so much.
    We still use the good ol "unfoldable" paper maps! :)

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  17. Fun post as usual Lilly....!! what if you get lost inspite of voice skin...?
    I think celebrity voice skins would be more of a distraction and a driving hazard.

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  18. LOL, I liked Arnie myself, you can't understand half of them anyway, so you might as well get one with an accent you can laugh at.

    I am shocked that you were ever shy, LOL. It just does not seem quite possible to me. he he he.

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  19. Call me naive... but I was shocked to hear the Aussie Accent on it.

    Leave it a dumb American to expect EVERYTHING to sound like me. LOL!

    Even when we were in Europe... my mind couldn't wrap itself around the Ipods and Gameboys being written, spoken in Italian...

    So funny

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  20. I'd want one with a British accent because it would sound smarter than me.

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  21. You were shy, Lilly?

    Now I find that hard to believe!

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  22. "After two tenths of a mile, turn right into the gas station, and ask directions."

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  23. They would drive me nuts period! But have to admit the one that my son has, has a voice that sounds as though he just landed from Mars or one of those planets out there -- certainly not from here or Hollywood.

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  24. jeez!..can't anyone read a map any more?..

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  25. LOL The Ozzy voice is hilarious Lilly! We had Tomtom too in the Netherlands but didn't know about this voice skins then.

    We have now a Garmin- wonder if they have voice skins too;)Now I am gonna look it up.

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  26. Lilly, Lilly, Lilly what will you come up with next!
    I'll be looking to purchase a Tom Tom shortly so this was a very timely post.

    Excellent analogy "satellite navigation system as opposed to the creepy scientologist".
    I was in a friend's car recently that had a Tom Tom and we were on our way to Canberra on the M7. She (Tom Tom) kept on telling us to get off the M7 and use another road. We told her sorry lady can't hear you, we are taking this road.....on the way back Tom Tom took us via the M7, I guess she didn't want to be ignored again.

    Michael Caine summed it up well:
    "After 80 meters you have reached your destination and not a lot of people know that"...

    Hey thanks for the link to the mosaics, it is going to be very helpful.

    Have a great day, the sun is shining in Sydney....hope it is shining in Canberra.

    Hugs
    Peggy

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  27. Ozzie and Arnie are my favorites. Very funny, Lilly!

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  28. This is funny! It makes me glad for my boring garmin and its limited voice options.

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  29. I have never heard of them either. I think I would want God travelling with me and I would turn it up as loud as I could. Ozzy would make me angry though I am with you on that one.

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  30. That's about the I want to smack the navigation sysytem and tell it to shut up !!! Just get me, there, quietly, please.....

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  31. What a funny concept...although Dirty Harry and Michael Caine didn't even sound close to the real ones! I could definitely do without Ozzy...Who would believe any directions he gave anyway...the man's brain is dead and gone. I'm with you...if I'm gonna have a man yapping in my ear while I drive...it better be somebody hot!

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  32. No way, I coud handle this as my husband is a back seat driver as it is and I would be having to deal with two guys yelling directions at me. I dont have that much patience! Except if Johnny Depp was really in the car then I could put up with it.

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  33. Lilly you are brilliant as always.I love this.
    Can I steal it ...
    Monday I used a 'moo moo' navigation system for the first time ... it was Karen & I ... she really got upset when I went my own way and refused to do a U turn.I was going to blog about it soon.
    I would love George Clooney skin.
    God is always with me ;)and sometimes the other voices have good ideas too.
    Sorry I haven't been by for a while life has been hectic and stressful.I missed you.

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  34. @ Trish - of course you can use this. Honey you have twins its a wonder you can do everything you do. I am in awe of you always!

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  35. Lilly,
    Enjoy your read. This was worth a re-post, funny!

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  36. I could not handle anyone talking and giving me directions! It would drive me insane.

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  37. 601 ways to simplify your life....

    Wouldn't it be "simpler" to talk about, say, the top 10? How "simple" is a list of 601 things anyway?

    I hope you'll post a simple summary of the book...

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  38. Now that was strange!! The Terminater giving directions ... ha haaa !!!!!!!!

    I could go for a Holly Robinson with a French accent. I saw (heard) this on 21 Jump Street way over a decade ago, and still think about it.

    Well, maybe I would crash ;-)

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  39. @ Speedcat Hollydale - he he you would too!!!

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  40. Hi Lilly,
    Are you participating in the Rag Doll Challenge tomorrow? If you are, which blog should I link to? Also, I'm readding you to my blog roll...would you add me to yours?

    EM

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  41. Lils... Remember Fireland ...
    "When I was a lad, I always imagined that conjugal visits would involve more edible lingerie and less shoving a crying baby in my face." Maybe 3 is a crowd!!! LOL!

    (You don't have to post this! I was looking for a way to email you!!!)

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  42. How about Hugh Jackman?

    He is absolutely oozing sexiness. I would definitely buy one and drive around with him giving me directions on where to go.

    Yeah, definitely Hugh Jackman.

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  43. @ JULS - Your new photo is gorgeous!!! Never heard of Fireland - um I live in the back of beyond remember?

    @ BIBI - Whoah - yes Hugh Jackman you are so right! I never used to like him that much until I saw him at the Oscars (well on TV as opposed personally). He is hot I have to say. Now I get it!

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  44. Oh where have i been all this time? I want one way conversations with satrs too! NOT!
    You know, i've not even heard of these voice skins. Way too much imho. I'm with you on that.

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  45. Grr.
    Left a note but it never got through. Annoying like the idea f celebrity voice skins. Way too much for me.

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Thanks for your comments.