27 December 2008

The Erotic Appeal of Housework

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This week I am spending some time with family so I am reposting some of my earlier posts. I hope you are getting ready to welcome the New Year and are planning your 2009 resolutions.

Blue-eyes, blonde hair, and, most importantly, on a salary considerably lower than her boyfriend or husband.
These are key attributes that define the perfect woman, if the latest survey of 66,000 UK men is to be believed. The ideal female would also weigh nine-and-a-half stone, live on her own and occasionally wear glasses.

Most men ranked 'blue eyes' as the most important attribute followed by 'long blonde hair', with 'occasionally wears glasses' as third.

That's nice, most men are looking for an intelligent looking Barbie who is prepared to sacrifice her career to protect her man's ego but still earn enough to live on her own. I get it. Thank god for blow up dolls.

OK guys, do you want to hear what we women want? Women are not as picky it seems about a male's physical attributes. However, we are more forthcoming about what we find truly sexy in our mates. And the good news is, it's something well within your reach - whether you are handsome or ugly, rich or poor, fat or thin, hairy or bald or young or old. How cool is that and how fair and equitable are we?

Now this is a SECRET that I am prepared to share ONCE and ONCE only. So listen up.

According to some research published this week and which will be buried so far down the media in tray that it will never see the light of day, THERE IS NOTHING A WOMAN FINDS MORE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE THAN THE SIGHT OF A MAN DOING HOUSEWORK.

Read it again. I do not jest. The study found that men who do their fair share of housework - driving the vacuum cleaner, vigorously scrubbing the bath tub - received much more sex than men who don't pull their weight.

I am telling you guys, put this one to the test. I am sure you will get the positive feedback you deserve in any shape, form or otherwise you desire if you are just prepared to give this a go.

Here are the instructions. It's simple really.

Wait until your partner or prospective partner is home. Then, just sashay down the hallway to the cupboard where the cleaning products are kept (yes, this may mean opening a few doors until you find them - note this is what you would expect to find at left). Try not to draw attention to yourself. Subtlety is called for.

Then, choose a suitable product. OK, put the Fairy Original Spray down and choose something like Mr Muscle if you find this exercise to be any kind of slight on your masculinity. You do not have to read an instruction booklet for this task because the name of the product tells you what to do - Spray n Wipe, get it? Next, take your shirt off simply because Home Journal says it's wise to do so and a health and safety hazard to do otherwise.

Now, put the hot pink gloves on if you want some protection (hot pink is the new black for men this spring - Mark Jacobs says so) - NO, step away from the ones with the frills, let's not take this little jolly too far, too soon. Pick up a clean cloth, whichever one takes your fancy. Start scrubbing anything and everything the product tells you, you can. Preferably on your hands and knees. Be thorough. Put your heart and soul into this. The longer and more vigorously you do this task the better the end results will be.

Eventually, your partner will come and find you. She may appear shocked at what she sees and gasp loudly. Do not be put off or distracted. Stay focused on the goal at hand. Even if she collapses to the floor, in shreaks of laughter with tears rolling down her face, do not be tempted to put the cleaning cloth down. It just means the magic is working. She is actually showing all the signs of being deliriously happy. After two hours of cleaning (floor play we call it), your partner or love interest will be so turned on by the sight of you flexing your muscles, and cleaning for Texas, she will find you completely irresistible. Bleach fumes and all.

That's all it takes guys. A little bit of effort will go a long way. Cleaning at least once or twice a week will make your dreams of Barbie a distant memory. You will have something way more real and earthy waiting for you at home.

It's time we women spoke up. I think the erotica film industry has poorly catered for females to date. Sure, we see women turned on by the hired help such as the pool boys and the gardeners. Little do they realise that we want to see the real men in our lives, donned in manly aprons, armed with cleaning products and giving us some bathroom cleaning action. There is a whole untapped market out there.

I did find a book called Porn for Women which more than backs up my views. It's from the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative. Thousands of women of all ages were interviewed about what they found sexy in their men. The book features men fully clothed, cooking, listening, cleaning, asking for directions accompanied by steamy captions such as 'I love a clean house' or 'as long as I have two legs to walk on you'll never take out the trash'. !!!

So, to all the males out there who haven't discovered the erotic appeal of housework, stop dreaming, start living and do this for yourselves. It's a win-win all around. Share the love with your mates.

And, in the spirit of compromise, while you're cleaning I am prepared to sit back, insert some blue contact lenses, don a pair of glasses every now and then, stop working for the duration and breathe in .........just to be even more fair.

41 comments:

  1. I love this entry. I agree, it's really appealing to see men doing the house chores if they do that we can do what they want in return, be their dressed-up barbie dolls. Compromise and we will all be happy! :) I like reading your entries you know. I'm a fan :) Keep it up! :)

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  2. This entry was just on time for me. Made me laugh. :) And heck, I have natural blue eyes, and I sometimes wear glasses... I am 3/4 the way there!! :P

    Wickles

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  3. You have just performed a major social service. Brava!

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  4. its not true! its not true!
    My mother brought us up well ( us being my brother and I)we both do our fair share of cleaning and we are both the primary dogs bod who cooks every night...I digress...the way to a happy sex life is through your womans stomach (so to speak).
    To think you thought you could pull the wool over our eyes!
    good try ;-)

    regards
    mere male

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  5. Mere Male - then your parents deserve a huge round of applause. Oh you cook as well? Well and if you are ever available again you know where to find me, he he. Thanks for stopping by, do so again. THe other posts you may be interested in are the ones under men - very funny book I found written in 1911 about advice given to married men - oh dear, I am glad we live in these times really. Thanks for your witty comment - stop by again!

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  6. ...so that's why I'm single....too late....just before I go on stage, my dresser always says "Don't forget your bits"...I don't (just can't remember what they were for)

    I find Blanche strangely attractive

    henry

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  7. Henry - never say never. Its all fun. Yes Blanche is strangely attractive - a wise woman too!!!. Have a great weekend in the sun I hope!

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  8. Absolutely! I have this picture in my mind of this blue eyed blonde Barbie in glasses and a VERY short skirt (well it IS my fantasy) watching me work up a sweat and then... Wow! No problem - oh and I like cooking too! :)

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  9. Oh dear, its strange going back and reading something you wrote ages ago - bit of a laugh anyway but very true OF COURSE! And in terms of the housework it isnt fantasy...he he.

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  10. Love this post, Lilly.
    What an entertaining writer you are!
    And it's all so true.
    Love ya, Lilly.
    Jlo

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  11. I love this post! I even stumbled it on stumbleupon.

    Thanks for the chuckle and for attempting to open male eyes to this reality! lol

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  12. Thanks Shannon, I appreciate your comment. Yes I think we need to spread the word a bit and thanks for the stumble. I appreciate that. I shall come and visit you!

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  13. This is great!! It reminds me to be thankful for my very well trained husband and my in-laws for doing the training!!!

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  14. I just hope some men read this and are suitably inspired... :)

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  15. Now if all mums taught thier sons to do housework, the world would be a sexier place!

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  16. I love it! Visiting from WTBAY. I think the increase in ...interesting activities... for those men who do housework would also relate to how exhausted their spouse was at the end of the day!

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  17. le @ thirdontheright13 October 2008 20:31

    hee hee so true - when I come home from work - given I work full time and MIC stays home with the kids - I am so aroused by clean floors and dust free surfaces - better than oysters !!

    As for what men want .... pppllleleaase get a grip boys !! are real women really that challenging ... hugs le

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  18. LOL Great post! :) I'm dropping by from WTBAY

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  19. My ex was a teacher who came home at 3.30pm and watched me peel the potatoes when I arrived from work at six. Wonder why we divorced Lilly?
    By the way you have given a whole new meaning to 'rubbers'. Who would have thought pink washing up gloves could be sexy?

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  20. "It's from the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative. Thousands of women of all ages were interviewed about what they found sexy in their men."

    As it was from the somewhat snooty CWPC, I would suggest that it was more, what they 'admitted' they found sexy in their men.

    henry

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  21. Oh please....I can find a host of things more sexually appealing than some guy doing the housework. What kind of universe do these women INHABIT??!!

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  22. Yes, I'm all for men doing housework. Entertaining post.

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  23. FABULOUS!!

    And yes, oh so true!!!

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  24. I tried letting my husband do the housework... he's now someone else's husband. But that's ok... I found a guy who is 56 but thinks he's 30. ;) He even helps me clean sometimes and he doesn't even live with me!

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  25. Love your take on this one. Anything that gets men to do husework is a plus.

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  26. I LOVE this post! It's one of my favourites!

    Um, your spider scared the BE-HECK out of me. It needs Baygon. :)

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  27. floor play - bwahahahaha!

    I couldn't agree more!!

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  28. I just cannot stop laughing and have printed this off for my partner with directions to the cleaning products. Such fun Lilly.

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  29. I loved this post the first time around and I still laugh when I read it. You are such a witty writer "OK, put the Fairy Original Spray down and choose something like Mr Muscle" ~ is Funny :)...and that's only one sublime moment!

    The reason I avoid doing housework, is because I feel that I would be casting a slight on the little woman's ability "I've just done that!...Isn't it good enough?"

    So I sit back and then compliment profusely.

    It's all for the best, even though I have to forgo the joys of housework.
    x
    helpfulhenry

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  30. You're wicked Lilly! Pity me - I have a dust allergy!

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  31. This was so wonderful...oh what a smile maker!
    You are a true delight you know!

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  32. Strangely I agree. My girlfriend loves it when I clean and I mean LOVES it. I might play hard to get now and stop vacuuming though. We are so on to you now, LOL.

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  33. Blond hair wouldn't quite work on me but I'm glad I do have a husband who does housework. It's definitely a sexy attribute.

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  34. I am always amazed that despite twenty years of married domestic cleaning practice that I never quite do it right. Effort good, but end result not quite there.

    Good to know that in theory, getting out the vacuum and doing a suck job around the house increases the chances of a blow job.

    Just don't do a sucky job.

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  35. I don’t know…I’d be terribly suspicious…we would end up in a fight. But no worries, he knows exactly what turns me on!

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  36. Lovely, funny post !

    My ex-boyfriend always asked "why do you keep touching my bottom when I cook ?"... well, here's the answer ! ;o)

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  37. Funny, I agree. My husband cleaned the kitchen last night perfectly. It definitely made me very happy.

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  38. I thoroughly agree -- watching my husband clean the windows is a total turn-on!

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  39. Like this post.....

    absolutely agree with you

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Thanks for your comments. I love reading what you have to say.