The Erotic Appeal of Housework

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This week I am spending some time with family so I am reposting some of my earlier posts. I hope you are getting ready to welcome the New Year and are planning your 2009 resolutions.

Blue-eyes, blonde hair, and, most importantly, on a salary considerably lower than her boyfriend or husband.

These are key attributes that define the perfect woman, if the latest survey of 66,000 UK men is to be believed. The ideal female would also weigh nine-and-a-half stone, live on her own and occasionally wear glasses.

Most men ranked 'blue eyes' as the most important attribute followed by 'long blonde hair', with 'occasionally wears glasses' as third.

That's nice, most men are looking for an intelligent looking Barbie who is prepared to sacrifice her career to protect her man's ego but still earn enough to live on her own. I get it. Thank god for blow up dolls.

OK guys, do you want to hear what we women want? Women are not as picky it seems about a male's physical attributes. However, we are more forthcoming about what we find truly sexy in our mates. And the good news is, it's something well within your reach - whether you are handsome or ugly, rich or poor, fat or thin, hairy or bald or young or old. How cool is that and how fair and equitable are we?

Now this is a SECRET that I am prepared to share ONCE and ONCE only. So listen up.

According to some research published this week and which will be buried so far down the media in tray that it will never see the light of day, THERE IS NOTHING A WOMAN FINDS MORE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE THAN THE SIGHT OF A MAN DOING HOUSEWORK.

Read it again. I do not jest. The study found that men who do their fair share of housework - driving the vacuum cleaner, vigorously scrubbing the bath tub - received much more sex than men who don't pull their weight.

I am telling you guys, put this one to the test. I am sure you will get the positive feedback you deserve in any shape, form or otherwise you desire if you are just prepared to give this a go.

Here are the instructions. It's simple really.

Wait until your partner or prospective partner is home. Then, just sashay down the hallway to the cupboard where the cleaning products are kept (yes, this may mean opening a few doors until you find them - note this is what you would expect to find at left). Try not to draw attention to yourself. Subtlety is called for.

Then, choose a suitable product. OK, put the Fairy Original Spray down and choose something like Mr Muscle if you find this exercise to be any kind of slight on your masculinity. You do not have to read an instruction booklet for this task because the name of the product tells you what to do - Spray n Wipe, get it? Next, take your shirt off simply because Home Journal says it's wise to do so and a health and safety hazard to do otherwise.

Now, put the hot pink gloves on if you want some protection (hot pink is the new black for men this spring - Mark Jacobs says so) - NO, step away from the ones with the frills, let's not take this little jolly too far, too soon. Pick up a clean cloth, whichever one takes your fancy. Start scrubbing anything and everything the product tells you, you can. Preferably on your hands and knees. Be thorough. Put your heart and soul into this. The longer and more vigorously you do this task the better the end results will be.

Eventually, your partner will come and find you. She may appear shocked at what she sees and gasp loudly. Do not be put off or distracted. Stay focused on the goal at hand. Even if she collapses to the floor, in shreaks of laughter with tears rolling down her face, do not be tempted to put the cleaning cloth down. It just means the magic is working. She is actually showing all the signs of being deliriously happy. After two hours of cleaning (floor play we call it), your partner or love interest will be so turned on by the sight of you flexing your muscles, and cleaning for Texas, she will find you completely irresistible. Bleach fumes and all.

That's all it takes guys. A little bit of effort will go a long way. Cleaning at least once or twice a week will make your dreams of Barbie a distant memory. You will have something way more real and earthy waiting for you at home.

It's time we women spoke up. I think the erotica film industry has poorly catered for females to date. Sure, we see women turned on by the hired help such as the pool boys and the gardeners. Little do they realise that we want to see the real men in our lives, donned in manly aprons, armed with cleaning products and giving us some bathroom cleaning action. There is a whole untapped market out there.

I did find a book called Porn for Women which more than backs up my views. It's from the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative. Thousands of women of all ages were interviewed about what they found sexy in their men. The book features men fully clothed, cooking, listening, cleaning, asking for directions accompanied by steamy captions such as 'I love a clean house' or 'as long as I have two legs to walk on you'll never take out the trash'. !!!

So, to all the males out there who haven't discovered the erotic appeal of housework, stop dreaming, start living and do this for yourselves. It's a win-win all around. Share the love with your mates.

And, in the spirit of compromise, while you're cleaning I am prepared to sit back, insert some blue contact lenses, don a pair of glasses every now and then, stop working for the duration and breathe in .........just to be even more fair.