Thursday 7 February 2008

OK, so I am not that fearless after all.......

I have always had a fear of dentists. Today I realised it has not gone away.... not one insy, tinsy, tiny bit.

I have had toothache for the past month but finally had to give in. I had to pick up the phone and make an appointment with THE DENTIST.

It's not the sound of the drill, the stuffy receptionists, the needles or the puffy swollen face that I hate. Its THE DENTIST.

They are the root cause of today's problems ...... whatever you do, I strongly urge you to NEVER, EVER google root canals because what you will find will change your life.....and not for the better... Some things you are better off going to your grave just never knowing. Trust me on this one.

My dentist is no ordinary dentist. Not by a long shot.

Her name is Heidi and she is blonde and cute. She is talented alright but unfortunately she is a totally obnoxious wingnut.

She also has an unusual addiction.

She is addicted to plastic surgery. She talks about it nonstop. I mean what can I say while she has suction tubes, drills and other appliances stuck in my mouth. I am a captive audience and have to listen to her tell me about each and every procedure she has ever had done. Her father is a millionaire doctor and by the age of 30 she had already had a brow lift, breast implants, nose job, liposuction, botox and laser peels. And her very own luxury cosmetic dentistry practice.

Heidi was also the cause of my run in with the law.

It all started like this. I was on my way to her practice for an appointment. I was running late.

Truth was, I was speeding though a school zone (going 60k over the limit). I was obviously and shamelessly willing to risk the lives and limbs of small children so that I could make my appointment on time.

But no, as Murphy's Law would have it, of course it was not meant to be.

About half a block to the surgery, I heard sirens. I looked in the rear vision mirror and saw the police were waving me down. SHI*T! I pulled over panicking (because this was going to make me SO late now). I mean how dare they! Who the hell do these guys think they are? What would Heidi say?

The officer got out of his car ever so slowly (like I had time for him to go all Clint Eastwood on me) and casually walks up to my car and says in the slowest drawl you could ever imagine, Afternoon ma'am, you do know that you were speeding through a school zone?

Sure, I said, just write me a ticket and I will be on my way officer.

But no, do you think that was going to happen any time soon?

I swear this guy must have been on triple time and a half and he was milking every second he could. Milleseconds seemed like hours and I envisaged Heidi with blonde plaits swinging, eyes bulging, chasing me around the surgery with the bloody biggest drill in her tool kit: all because I ruined her schedule. I so hate the sight of blood, particularly my own....

At this point I was so ready to scream at him, Just give me your book you idiot and let me write my own ticket - I do shorthand. I was getting so frustrated that I just burst into tears. Because, well because I was going to be SO godamn late. And if you knew Heidi like I know Heidi then you would so understand.

Ma'am, he said, are you ok?

I am not proud of what came out of my mouth next. It shows that I feared Heidi more than the police or even God in fact. I lied. It was not even a fib, it was a big fat bold lie. It just came to me, just like that.

Through sobs, I told him that I was on my way to visit a friend who was very ill in hospital (just so happens there is a private hospital up the road) and I was desperate to get there in time. I said, I just hope I am not too late.....

Well, he did not know which way to look. He ripped up the ticket he was writing and said, terribly sorry, ma'am for holding you up. Drive safely and I hope your friend is ok.

I put the foot down on and away I went. Screeching into the carpark, running across the road, into the reception, breathless and terrified.

Take a seat and relax, says the Receptionist, Heidi is running 20 minutes late.

The f $**8!$!£$!g Cow!!!

So, my appointment is one week away. I have another week to get my mouth in order. Going to the dentist is like having someone come in and comment on how clean your home is. I am in training as we speak. I will spend ages cleaning and flossing and rinsing. Like I have been doing this three times a day for years.

There is nothing more humiliating then being told when you are an adult that you could do a better job of cleaning your teeth. This time I have the big guns on my side - my new electric toothbrush.

Bring it on Heidi. I am ready and waiting......for anything........anything at all, except that is, if you ever come across this blog.....

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