Sunday 6 January 2008

This is a very good place to start

So here am I. A work in progress. A bit tousled and tear stained but otherwise functioning. I had a rather traumatic ‘episode’ in my life that has kind of left me empty and spare.

The saga is all documented elsewhere. It's sad and humiliating so best left in the murky archives 'safe' in the hands of the past. It's this past, I am assured, that is going to spring board me to a better place in the future (yeah, so people keep telling me that with straight faces and all). I am just not sure that Outer Mongolia is where I imagined I would spring board to....and its hard to stay calm when you are staring down the barrel of middle age.

I have supposedly done all the right things to grieve properly and work on myself. I am now so over it and and am so ready just to get back into life, before, well before, I either get Alzheimer's, get run over or become completely invisible (which tends to happen to middle-aged women... ). I must warn you I have always been a bit of a glass half empty kind of girl so you can imagine my take on things after my experience with the sociopath from hell. Jaded and cynical may be putting a gentle spin on my reality.

I am seriously on a time limit for this stuff and I am feeling the pressure of wasted time spent grieving. So, what better time to make resolutions for a life (let alone a better one) then right now, January 2008? And what better way to document it all on a Blog. It’s like making a commitment with the universe or something. I was actually reading Roseanne's blog this morning - ok, I am not even sure how I found that but I was kind of impressed really. She appears to be involved in lots of things, well just involved in life. She is truly a well rounded woman (no pun intended) and very, very attractive these days (ok, so that’s something you will learn about me I can be surprisingly shallow but she looks damn good).

So, while I may have been inspired by the strangest source I too am saying YES to life. To participate, move, write, read, do, sign up, take a stand and just get involved.

I want to fulfil MY potential. I don't think I have ever tried hard at that before. I feel like I am running out of time. Life has kind of happened around me resulting in the catastrophic disaster that kind of wiped me out. My life is a blank canvas. I feel like I am terrified to use the first dab of paint - there are so many options, what colour, what design, what if its a disaster, what if people laugh, what if the colour is all wrong for me, what if my judgement is wrong, again.....I feel enormous fear. Residual fear of the past and fear for the future. Fears I have to conquer, look squarely in the eye, and face head on. I mean it could not get any worse anyway.

So, with this Blog I am committing myself to pushing through my fears and becoming more than I ever thought possible (please don't laugh, it's what the self help book said I should do and surprisingly when you are on the floor distraught and crying hysterically it sounds plausible and so easy). I am forging ahead with lots of changes, safe in the knowledge that I just read a couple of days ago that resolutions usually last only until the end of January for the 90% of people who make them.....I definitely need some encouragement! I don't have much choice. I just have to be in that 10%..well because, just because, I bet the other 90% have never even read 'the book'......

1 comment:

  1. Hello Lilly my sweet friend
    You have journeyed a long long way since writing this post.
    It is now January 2012 and even though I haven't spoken to you for nearly 3 months I am hoping you are in a wonderful space, fulfilling your dreams.
    Namaste and warmest heart hugs.
    Peggy xxxxx


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